What's going on in my head

I don't really know where to post this, but I need to get this off my chest and I have nowhere else to really turn.

Over the past few years I've been experiencing serious bouts of depressive episodes. I then moved to Florida, and almost a year and a half later I finally start to feel better. Everything is great. I love my job, I met this amazing guy who I am convinced is my soulmate, I got a great apartment, things were just finally looking up.

Then September 2017 hit. And I snapped. I started spiraling daily. Crying spells constantly. My loving boyfriend tried what he could but I kept pushing him away. I tried to hurt myself. He saved me.

After that I saw a nurse practitioner, because at the time my mental health coverage was out of network. I was put on Lexapro, and then later Depakote when we found out I suffer from bipolar disorder. Things finally start looking up again. Well, some things.

I keep having mood swings. My boyfriend and I keep having small fights and for some reason I can't logically talk to him, instead I just become more difficult.

Now we're in November. We're fighting all the time. He wants time apart. Tells me not to talk to him. I can't control my impulses. I keep trying to talk to him. He tells me give him two weeks. I tried, but couldn't hold out the full two weeks. He says he wants to break up, we talk, decide we can work it out, the next morning was our six month mark. The day after he broke up with me.

And here we are now.

I still keep trying to contact him. I won't go into detail, but some not great things happened which partially forced us to speak to each other again. And honestly, it seemed like despite the shitty circumstances at the time it gave me hope that maybe this could work out.

Then I had bad medication reactions. And more mood swings. And a hormonal imbalance. I pushed and pushed and pushed him. And now he wants nothing to do with me.

I've tried talking to my parents about it. I go to therapy one to two times a week. I try to meditate and work out daily. I take my medicines the way I should. I stopped taking the medicine that caused the reaction. I emailed my ex explaining all of this.

But I still feel hopeless. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Like I can't breathe. Everywhere I look I see him. I see us. I see the opportunity I fucked up by not seeking help sooner.

I lost my person.

And it's making me feel like I've lost my purpose. I never wanted or pictured myself ever getting married, or having kids. But I did with him. He motivated me to draw and write again. He encouraged me. He really was my everything.

I fell in love with him the minute I laid eyes on him.

And now I'm alone. He was my support system. Outside of my therapist I really don't have anyone. My family lives in another state and just doesn't really get it, and their answer is "just move back home that'll fix everything" when the reason I left in the first place was because of how depressed and miserable I felt.

I reached out to him. He won't even respond to an email. I'm blocked from everything.

I've truly given up at this point. Even if they figure my meds out and get me level I really just don't see the point in anything anymore. I'll always be alone, or I'll settle for someone who doesn't make me truly happy.

I can't even put into words the way he makes me feel. He was my light. He fought my demons away.

And now I'm alone.

And I'm alone with my demons.

And this post has been a rambling clusterfuck.

I plan on killing myself after I have someone bring his valentines gift and a letter to him. I know he wants nothing to do with me at this point, and I bought the gift when we were going through the shitty circumstances as a thank you. He'll never see this, so I feel comfortable saying it.

If anyone bothered reading this, thanks I guess.

I need to go clock in now.

I don't really know where to post this, but I need to get this off my chest and I have nowhere else to really turn.Over the past few years I've been experiencing serious bouts of depressive episodes. I then moved to Florida, and almost a year and a half later I finally start to feel better. Everything is great. I love my job, I met this amazing guy who I am convinced is my soulmate, I got a great apartment, things were just finally looking up.Then September 2017 hit. And I snapped. I started spiraling daily. Crying spells constantly. My loving boyfriend tried what he could but I kept pushing him away. I tried to hurt myself. He saved me.After that I saw a nurse practitioner, because at the time my mental health coverage was out of network. I was put on Lexapro, and then later Depakote when we found out I suffer from bipolar disorder. Things finally start looking up again. Well, some things.I keep having mood swings. My boyfriend and I keep having small fights and for some reason I can't logically talk to him, instead I just become more difficult.Now we're in November. We're fighting all the time. He wants time apart. Tells me not to talk to him. I can't control my impulses. I keep trying to talk to him. He tells me give him two weeks. I tried, but couldn't hold out the full two weeks. He says he wants to break up, we talk, decide we can work it out, the next morning was our six month mark. The day after he broke up with me.And here we are now.I still keep trying to contact him. I won't go into detail, but some not great things happened which partially forced us to speak to each other again. And honestly, it seemed like despite the shitty circumstances at the time it gave me hope that maybe this could work out.Then I had bad medication reactions. And more mood swings. And a hormonal imbalance. I pushed and pushed and pushed him. And now he wants nothing to do with me.I've tried talking to my parents about it. I go to therapy one to two times a week. I try to meditate and work out daily. I take my medicines the way I should. I stopped taking the medicine that caused the reaction. I emailed my ex explaining all of this.But I still feel hopeless. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Like I can't breathe. Everywhere I look I see him. I see us. I see the opportunity I fucked up by not seeking help sooner.I lost my person.And it's making me feel like I've lost my purpose. I never wanted or pictured myself ever getting married, or having kids. But I did with him. He motivated me to draw and write again. He encouraged me. He really was my everything.I fell in love with him the minute I laid eyes on him.And now I'm alone. He was my support system. Outside of my therapist I really don't have anyone. My family lives in another state and just doesn't really get it, and their answer is "just move back home that'll fix everything" when the reason I left in the first place was because of how depressed and miserable I felt.I reached out to him. He won't even respond to an email. I'm blocked from everything.I've truly given up at this point. Even if they figure my meds out and get me level I really just don't see the point in anything anymore. I'll always be alone, or I'll settle for someone who doesn't make me truly happy.I can't even put into words the way he makes me feel. He was my light. He fought my demons away.And now I'm alone.And I'm alone with my demons.And this post has been a rambling clusterfuck.I plan on killing myself after I have someone bring his valentines gift and a letter to him. I know he wants nothing to do with me at this point, and I bought the gift when we were going through the shitty circumstances as a thank you. He'll never see this, so I feel comfortable saying it.If anyone bothered reading this, thanks I guess.I need to go clock in now. http://ift.tt/eA8V8J http://ift.tt/2DHK2Du