Crisis happened last night. Here's what happened.
Last night I finally snapped. We had a sit-down but let me start with some back story first as it's very relevant.
back story
About 1.5 years ago the relationship was going along very well when she ended up pregnant. The doctor diagnosed me as sterile but failed to mention I was "low count" sterile. The chances of getting pregnant are <1/10,000 but still there. At the same time, she was on antibiotics which, as most women know, nullifies birth control. I wasn't too worried as, like I said, the doc diagnosed me with sterility. I only found out about the "low count sterile" and the 1/10,000 chance after she ended up pregnant. Great. Still I was excited to be a dad. I was tested afterwards and... still sterile. I tested after the birth...it's genetically mine. Sometimes when it's meant to be, it's meant to be. The kid is amazing and stole my heart.
Anyway, the pregnancy was a nightmare as some pregnancies are very tough while others are a cake walk. Baby came and she's breastfeeding. The child is 7 1/2 months old now. Sex is pretty much at a rate of once every month. I'm not calling this a DB yet because she is battling severe post-partum depression and breastfeeding is a known libido killer as well as preventing the hormones from balancing out from the pregnancy. In my opinion it is impossible to know if it's a true DB scenario until those problems are addressed but the lack of sex was getting to me and I was pointed here so that I can speak and vent here without pressuring and badgering her while she battles the PPD.
the crisis
So, the crisis happened last night. Things just got to the end of my rope. She is suffering from such bad depression she's been in bed the past 3 days straight, buried under blankets. It got to the end of my rope because she wanted the child to sleep next to her the entire time and you can tell the child obviously wanted to play with their toys, as children are wont to do. (Always wanted to use that word in a real sentence) I took the child to see my parents just to have a day of it. When I got home I had the sit down with her and told her she needs to seek help, or she needs to leave because it's starting to impact the child. I'm not going to list them, but she has every single symptom except the last three listed here: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/postpartum-depression-facts/index.shtml
Almost every. Single. One. She has been diagnosed by her OBGYN, PCP, and her friends and family. As friends started to inquire she systematically cut them out of her life and she now has zero friends left as well as no family. I have set up appointments only for her to cancel them or not attend. I can't physically drag her somewhere she doesn't want to go. I have been as supportive and helpful as I can be, but the crisis came when I told her that I am now refusing to offer any help or support as long as she refuses treatment. I will walk with her through the river of crap, but I will not set up camp in the middle of the river and live there. Our sex life is non-existent now as well as any emotional intimacy. That's slowly been leaving as her symptoms have been getting worse.
She finally broke down and agreed to set up an appointment. I am insisting on couple’s therapy since she has a known history of cancelling or failing to make the appointments. I want to make sure she goes. I am also insisting we switch to formula. It's time her hormones got back in balance. Breastfeeding is amazing but if it destroys the mom/dad bond it's not worth it as it fractures the home for the child. At 7 1/2 months it's only a few months of formula anyway. She has given the gift of breastfeeding to the child but now it is time to repair this relationship before the second gift given is a fractured home.
I am very hopeful concerning the DB situation. I can foresee that recovering itself as treatment starts and improves. This is perhaps the wrong forum for this post, but everyone here has helped me see that the DB is a symptom of a deeper problem. The PPD and hormonal imbalance seems to be at the root of almost all these problems. If you browse through those symptoms they started out mild and now they are very intense.
I want to thank everyone here. I have been an emotional wreck myself on these boards but know that while I have been an emotional wreck here allowing me to pour out that poison in a separate space from my family life allowed me to be the even keel needed to handle the situation. It allowed me to be the rock for her to lean on and when it became too much for myself I came here. That is changing as we seek therapy. If I came across as rude, judgmental or offensive please accept my apologies. You guys have allowed me to vent in a (mostly) non-judgmental way and offered valuable insight. There are a few people who even just listened as sometimes that's all that's needed. I am eternally grateful to everyone here and if the DB situation is fixed I will update everyone as hope is something in short supply on this sub.
sorry about the wall of text. I am interested in your thoughts and opinions.
TLDR; DB may be caused by postpartum depression and breastfeeding. Offered ultimatum and she finally started to seek treatment. Very hopeful for the future.
Edit: formatting
Crisis happened last night. Here's what happened.Last night I finally snapped. We had a sit-down but let me start with some back story first as it's very relevant.back storyAbout 1.5 years ago the relationship was going along very well when she ended up pregnant. The doctor diagnosed me as sterile but failed to mention I was "low count" sterile. The chances of getting pregnant are <1/10,000 but still there. At the same time, she was on antibiotics which, as most women know, nullifies birth control. I wasn't too worried as, like I said, the doc diagnosed me with sterility. I only found out about the "low count sterile" and the 1/10,000 chance after she ended up pregnant. Great. Still I was excited to be a dad. I was tested afterwards and... still sterile. I tested after the birth...it's genetically mine. Sometimes when it's meant to be, it's meant to be. The kid is amazing and stole my heart.Anyway, the pregnancy was a nightmare as some pregnancies are very tough while others are a cake walk. Baby came and she's breastfeeding. The child is 7 1/2 months old now. Sex is pretty much at a rate of once every month. I'm not calling this a DB yet because she is battling severe post-partum depression and breastfeeding is a known libido killer as well as preventing the hormones from balancing out from the pregnancy. In my opinion it is impossible to know if it's a true DB scenario until those problems are addressed but the lack of sex was getting to me and I was pointed here so that I can speak and vent here without pressuring and badgering her while she battles the PPD.the crisisSo, the crisis happened last night. Things just got to the end of my rope. She is suffering from such bad depression she's been in bed the past 3 days straight, buried under blankets. It got to the end of my rope because she wanted the child to sleep next to her the entire time and you can tell the child obviously wanted to play with their toys, as children are wont to do. (Always wanted to use that word in a real sentence) I took the child to see my parents just to have a day of it. When I got home I had the sit down with her and told her she needs to seek help, or she needs to leave because it's starting to impact the child. I'm not going to list them, but she has every single symptom except the last three listed here: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/postpartum-depression-facts/index.shtmlAlmost every. Single. One. She has been diagnosed by her OBGYN, PCP, and her friends and family. As friends started to inquire she systematically cut them out of her life and she now has zero friends left as well as no family. I have set up appointments only for her to cancel them or not attend. I can't physically drag her somewhere she doesn't want to go. I have been as supportive and helpful as I can be, but the crisis came when I told her that I am now refusing to offer any help or support as long as she refuses treatment. I will walk with her through the river of crap, but I will not set up camp in the middle of the river and live there. Our sex life is non-existent now as well as any emotional intimacy. That's slowly been leaving as her symptoms have been getting worse.She finally broke down and agreed to set up an appointment. I am insisting on couple’s therapy since she has a known history of cancelling or failing to make the appointments. I want to make sure she goes. I am also insisting we switch to formula. It's time her hormones got back in balance. Breastfeeding is amazing but if it destroys the mom/dad bond it's not worth it as it fractures the home for the child. At 7 1/2 months it's only a few months of formula anyway. She has given the gift of breastfeeding to the child but now it is time to repair this relationship before the second gift given is a fractured home.I am very hopeful concerning the DB situation. I can foresee that recovering itself as treatment starts and improves. This is perhaps the wrong forum for this post, but everyone here has helped me see that the DB is a symptom of a deeper problem. The PPD and hormonal imbalance seems to be at the root of almost all these problems. If you browse through those symptoms they started out mild and now they are very intense.I want to thank everyone here. I have been an emotional wreck myself on these boards but know that while I have been an emotional wreck here allowing me to pour out that poison in a separate space from my family life allowed me to be the even keel needed to handle the situation. It allowed me to be the rock for her to lean on and when it became too much for myself I came here. That is changing as we seek therapy. If I came across as rude, judgmental or offensive please accept my apologies. You guys have allowed me to vent in a (mostly) non-judgmental way and offered valuable insight. There are a few people who even just listened as sometimes that's all that's needed. I am eternally grateful to everyone here and if the DB situation is fixed I will update everyone as hope is something in short supply on this sub.sorry about the wall of text. I am interested in your thoughts and opinions.TLDR; DB may be caused by postpartum depression and breastfeeding. Offered ultimatum and she finally started to seek treatment. Very hopeful for the future.Edit: formatting http://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/7yhiyn/crisis_last_night_and_heres_what_happened/?utm_source=ifttt
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