First off I must preface by saying that I’m well aware that there are plenty of other people who are in worse situations than me. But, that doesn’t make the pain, dissatisfaction and ennui I feel any less real. But it does make me feel more pathetic.
I’m in my very early 30s. My life up until now has mostly been a story of waste and self sabotage. My 20s were mostly dominated by crippling social anxiety and periodic depression, which, due to discouragement, belittling and not knowing any better, went largely untreated until it was basically too late.
I’ve always been pretty intelligent, but didn’t do too great in college due to a combination of aimlesness and terrible depression. In one semester my mom attempted suicide and I missed all my finals. I was able to retake them all although my one hardass professor was pretty mean about it. I didn’t tell her the truth about why I missed it. I felt too ashamed.
Eventually I graduated college with a bachelor’s in psychology with middling grades. I’ve come to realize how useless my degree is. I could find a entry level something (maybe) but it’d pay substantially less than the boring, unfulfilling job I have now. I lost my passion for psych in my final semesters so what’s the point?
My romantic prospects were sabotaged in those years too, which looking back I was much more attractive and had better prospects back then. These days I’m overweight, and due to my hypothyroidism and other hormonal imbalances, make weight loss a lot harder and demotivating than it is for other people. Not to mention I have very attractive health issues like hirsutism and lymphedema which make me feel great about myself. I also have trust and anxiety issues still. And I think I’m probably asexual. So I don’t think I’ll ever find a romantic partner who has patience for me.
Basically I feel like the future is bleak and I have nothing to hope for. I feel like the only reason I have to live is to give my dog the best life possible as she certainly deserves it better than I do. I’ve already messed up and it can only go downhill from here.
First off I must preface by saying that I’m well aware that there are plenty of other people who are in worse situations than me. But, that doesn’t make the pain, dissatisfaction and ennui I feel any less real. But it does make me feel more pathetic.I’m in my very early 30s. My life up until now has mostly been a story of waste and self sabotage. My 20s were mostly dominated by crippling social anxiety and periodic depression, which, due to discouragement, belittling and not knowing any better, went largely untreated until it was basically too late.I’ve always been pretty intelligent, but didn’t do too great in college due to a combination of aimlesness and terrible depression. In one semester my mom attempted suicide and I missed all my finals. I was able to retake them all although my one hardass professor was pretty mean about it. I didn’t tell her the truth about why I missed it. I felt too ashamed.Eventually I graduated college with a bachelor’s in psychology with middling grades. I’ve come to realize how useless my degree is. I could find a entry level something (maybe) but it’d pay substantially less than the boring, unfulfilling job I have now. I lost my passion for psych in my final semesters so what’s the point?My romantic prospects were sabotaged in those years too, which looking back I was much more attractive and had better prospects back then. These days I’m overweight, and due to my hypothyroidism and other hormonal imbalances, make weight loss a lot harder and demotivating than it is for other people. Not to mention I have very attractive health issues like hirsutism and lymphedema which make me feel great about myself. I also have trust and anxiety issues still. And I think I’m probably asexual. So I don’t think I’ll ever find a romantic partner who has patience for me.Basically I feel like the future is bleak and I have nothing to hope for. I feel like the only reason I have to live is to give my dog the best life possible as she certainly deserves it better than I do. I’ve already messed up and it can only go downhill from here. http://ift.tt/eA8V8J http://ift.tt/2BMsd7X
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