I've been posting on different reddits for a while, mainly JNF and recently Keto. And those are scary to post on....but the one that scares me the most is PCOS. Because with PCOS it can take away something I've wanted for so many years. It can take away my ability to have a child naturally. I don't mean where IVF is needed, or a sperm doner or something like that. It can take away my ability in utter totality. It can render me infertile. My greatest fear is to be told "you are infertile. You have to use a surrogate or adopt" that would destroy what I have left in my life. I lost my mother at 15, I the brother I was closest to at 15, 3 months after my mother died. He had just turned 25 and the day after they found him dead. I lost the two most important people in my life at the time. And now my ability to have a baby that is completely mine that was carried by me is being threatened. because of possible genetics or fucked up luck. my mum had me by pure miracle. she had PCOS had been treated for it, and had to be treated again after I was born. I should've died, or never been born. And the signs are coming back that I have PCOS. The pains in my pelvic the increased hormonal imbalances resulting in worse skin conditions, the now needing to be tested by a clinic, to go through testing that triggers me back to when I was assaulted by the man I thought I loved who I thought loved me but never did.
And I have NO ONE I can truly unload on. I can't do that to my friends, they don't deserve the pain I'm going through. They are childfree by choice as well. They don't have to worry about this. And my only living parent is an abusive narcissistic asshole. And if I dare confide in him about anything about my health, before Sunday the entire congregation at his church will know that I'm going through this. it doesn't matter if I don't want my business spread about, he does it anyways. He's already said he will do it. He said he has a right because he's going through it too. That he has the right to go to anyone he wants even if I tell him no. My personal business isn't respected. So I get to bottle this all up. I have to lie about going and getting cancer screenings at planned parenthood because it leaves less of a trail! I'm so fucking alone! I have no parental figure I can confide in without it crossing lines of professionalism. And the only therapist is a horrid clinic that rather pump me full of pills than actually help me! I don't know anymore.
I'm 24 and I could lose the ability to have kids! And all my father thinks about and says often that he expects me to have 12 kids for him. FOR HIM! it doesn't matter that my body may not be able to handle having even one, no he demands I go through 9 months of pregnancy that could be high risk for me 12 times, if I don't have twins or triplets etc. He thinks its so funny that I get upset. He doesn't realize that I could lose everything! That my depression has gotten worse that when I was 19 I nearly KILLED MYSELF! I had the entire plan ready to go and the only thing that stopped me was a guilt trip from my abusive then fiance! I have no parents, I've no parental figures to go to.
I had to break down and make a reddit because it was a free way to get things like this off my chest because no one except a few friends can connect Alyssa Hargreaves to the real me. And even then they might not be sure! I can't pay for counseling because its to damn expensive, and I can barely pay for a gym payment that I may have to give up next month if I don't start getting an income in. I've limited happy things in my life. And most of the time I don't let myself be happy because then things are taken away!
be hopeful for a sweet sixteen? nope in a shitty restaurant with a few friends that turned to be fake. ONE made it to my 24th. the rest lied and made a fool out of me. Prom? I spent junior prom crying due to my ex. Senior prom? was taken over by older cousin and her partner because they didn't have kids and they wanted a doll to dress up. I had no choice in my dress hair, make up or shoes. They also decided to tell me I was fat and I needed to fast/starve myself to get thin and then took the dress in so tightly I couldn't breath! But it all was for them. I didn't get to enjoy prom, I went alone and watched everyone have a couple dance as I sat their wishing so badly to be their dancing with anyone.
A one day wedding? HA I can't risk having an actual wedding or reception because I'd have to make it a dry wedding because my family would get blacked out drunk and ruin yet another thing. And I'm expected to let my father walk me down the aisle and dance with me when I don't feel he deserves shit! But I would be forced to do so because of the pressure and threats of a no show.
This may seem like an angry rant and maybe it is, but this has been weighing on me so badly. I can't tell anyone really about this because if the wrong person hears this? I'd be sent to the asylum or forced to a local hospital under careful watch and my jobs would be gone...I'm even afraid to finish the book I'm writing because of it all....because it tells all...
I just needed to get this out....crying doesn't really help its a tiny release....thanks...
I've been posting on different reddits for a while, mainly JNF and recently Keto. And those are scary to post on....but the one that scares me the most is PCOS. Because with PCOS it can take away something I've wanted for so many years. It can take away my ability to have a child naturally. I don't mean where IVF is needed, or a sperm doner or something like that. It can take away my ability in utter totality. It can render me infertile. My greatest fear is to be told "you are infertile. You have to use a surrogate or adopt" that would destroy what I have left in my life. I lost my mother at 15, I the brother I was closest to at 15, 3 months after my mother died. He had just turned 25 and the day after they found him dead. I lost the two most important people in my life at the time. And now my ability to have a baby that is completely mine that was carried by me is being threatened. because of possible genetics or fucked up luck. my mum had me by pure miracle. she had PCOS had been treated for it, and had to be treated again after I was born. I should've died, or never been born. And the signs are coming back that I have PCOS. The pains in my pelvic the increased hormonal imbalances resulting in worse skin conditions, the now needing to be tested by a clinic, to go through testing that triggers me back to when I was assaulted by the man I thought I loved who I thought loved me but never did.And I have NO ONE I can truly unload on. I can't do that to my friends, they don't deserve the pain I'm going through. They are childfree by choice as well. They don't have to worry about this. And my only living parent is an abusive narcissistic asshole. And if I dare confide in him about anything about my health, before Sunday the entire congregation at his church will know that I'm going through this. it doesn't matter if I don't want my business spread about, he does it anyways. He's already said he will do it. He said he has a right because he's going through it too. That he has the right to go to anyone he wants even if I tell him no. My personal business isn't respected. So I get to bottle this all up. I have to lie about going and getting cancer screenings at planned parenthood because it leaves less of a trail! I'm so fucking alone! I have no parental figure I can confide in without it crossing lines of professionalism. And the only therapist is a horrid clinic that rather pump me full of pills than actually help me! I don't know anymore.I'm 24 and I could lose the ability to have kids! And all my father thinks about and says often that he expects me to have 12 kids for him. FOR HIM! it doesn't matter that my body may not be able to handle having even one, no he demands I go through 9 months of pregnancy that could be high risk for me 12 times, if I don't have twins or triplets etc. He thinks its so funny that I get upset. He doesn't realize that I could lose everything! That my depression has gotten worse that when I was 19 I nearly KILLED MYSELF! I had the entire plan ready to go and the only thing that stopped me was a guilt trip from my abusive then fiance! I have no parents, I've no parental figures to go to.I had to break down and make a reddit because it was a free way to get things like this off my chest because no one except a few friends can connect Alyssa Hargreaves to the real me. And even then they might not be sure! I can't pay for counseling because its to damn expensive, and I can barely pay for a gym payment that I may have to give up next month if I don't start getting an income in. I've limited happy things in my life. And most of the time I don't let myself be happy because then things are taken away!be hopeful for a sweet sixteen? nope in a shitty restaurant with a few friends that turned to be fake. ONE made it to my 24th. the rest lied and made a fool out of me. Prom? I spent junior prom crying due to my ex. Senior prom? was taken over by older cousin and her partner because they didn't have kids and they wanted a doll to dress up. I had no choice in my dress hair, make up or shoes. They also decided to tell me I was fat and I needed to fast/starve myself to get thin and then took the dress in so tightly I couldn't breath! But it all was for them. I didn't get to enjoy prom, I went alone and watched everyone have a couple dance as I sat their wishing so badly to be their dancing with anyone.A one day wedding? HA I can't risk having an actual wedding or reception because I'd have to make it a dry wedding because my family would get blacked out drunk and ruin yet another thing. And I'm expected to let my father walk me down the aisle and dance with me when I don't feel he deserves shit! But I would be forced to do so because of the pressure and threats of a no show.This may seem like an angry rant and maybe it is, but this has been weighing on me so badly. I can't tell anyone really about this because if the wrong person hears this? I'd be sent to the asylum or forced to a local hospital under careful watch and my jobs would be gone...I'm even afraid to finish the book I'm writing because of it all....because it tells all...I just needed to get this out....crying doesn't really help its a tiny release....thanks... https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2GcUeFn
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