My old boss [36M] & I [27F] got into a sexual relationship. I got jealous of his friendship with another colleague of mine. We talked about it but it remained unresolved. Months later, my jealousy resurfaced & my gut tells me they're together. I don't know how to feel. [x-post from /r/relationships]

Original post here.

TL;DR: I fell for my ex boss who I was in an open/poly relationship. Jealousy issues surfaced and turns out my gut instincts might be right about my colleague and him. I need advice on how to deal with it.

I am going to apologize profusely right at the onset because this is going to be a long confusing post that devolves into a downward spiral. I am feeling very vulnerable right now. Gutted really. But I need to vent and I could do with some much needed advice. Anyway,

My (then) boss and I started hanging out a lot often about 8-9 months ago. There was obvious chemistry because he had that aura that just reeled me in. And I am a young naive woman who's not used to such sudden excess attention. Things eventually escalated and we ended up together. I need to add at this instance that I knew what I was getting into because we had flirted around the topic of polyamory and that's when I'd bumped into his (primary) partner as well. My moral compass isn't the best but it knew that I was only accountable for my actions. Which is the reasoning I went with as I ended up sleeping with him. I also knew that the power equation between us was quite imbalanced because of our work dynamic. He's my boss, I'm his junior. I'm adding all of this because rationally speaking my brain was telling me how bad an idea it was but I was consumed by the idea of being with him (which again is how skewed power dynamics work).

Cut to about December last year, things dialled down a bit. I'd been with him about 2 months by then. I also realized I was falling for him. I've to confess for all my lack of moral fibre talk that I give myself, I'm a needy sponge and he was fulfilling this really new aspect of myself that involved fetishistic sex. The power dynamic, the so called poly aspect of our fling and the BDSM just propelled me further into the deep end of affections.

But December was also when we had a party that changed a lot of things. Broke some part of the mirage. My colleague [29F] who was his desk partner started hanging out with him a bit more. His effect on me was such that I felt the first pangs of jealousy. It wouldn't have been an issue for me if not for the proximity of the act as it was unfolding at work. Plus she and I were close. I realized my zealous crush was what had pushed them together.

So she and I are at a party hosted by him and I realize I'm so new to social behaviors that I was an awkward klutz while she, who I thought had this lovely cutesy clumsiness about her, was a charming persona at the party. This is my first job and that means I am unused to social customs while she's been in the circuit for a while. I was failing at simple things like how to pour wine properly to behaving in an intimate setting. I've never properly recovered from that episode because he still calls me out on it in a way. And I went rushing to him because he was upset with my behavior on that particular night. I ran to him because our power dynamic by that time had ensured that I was slavish towards him. I just wanted to be on his right side. Even though my instincts were against it. I was also going through a very personal calamity around that time which definitely tilted a lot of the power balance to his side. My depression escalated and I lost all forms of self confidence.

Meanwhile, this party strengthened their bond a lot more somehow. They were texting each other more often and sharing stuff. I realized I couldn't be "jealous" because we had an open relationship thus voiding my emotions per se.

Though I did bring up the conversation once. I told him that I was feeling jealous of their friendship and I was trying to deal with it. In retrospect though, I don't remember him comforting me about it. I also said something on the lines of how I will deal with it myself.

But soon after after, things went from bad to worse that he decided to call time on our relationship. We lasted a month without each other. During the break, I was pining. I was having dream after dream involving him and I was consumed. They were so so harrowing that I remember waking up crying.

Another party happened and by some strange luck, we were both invited. Without getting into the details, we ended up together. But I also knew things were different because we had lost each other's trust by then. It oozed out in the ways we behaved with each other. We needed each other but we also couldn't stand each other. No extra conversation. The attention usually came my way when there was a need. Or if I had a need. We've trudged along thus till now.

(Further context, he and his primary partner decided to part ways in the meanwhile. I realized I was a bit relieved but also very scared because i didn't know if bringing another person so soon was something I was comfortable with. It meant we needed to have a conversation soon. Also because one day post sex, he mentioned if I wanted to try couple swapping (something I haven't indulged in yet and it feels like something that primary partners do)).

Then Tuesday happens. I'm walking over to my colleague's desk when I see her smiling at her phone. I also obviously see the name on the screen. It's him. And some red fucking balloon of anger pops in my head. I am seething and I'm unable to chalk it up to a hormonal imbalance this time.

Today, in my zealous jealousy, I snoop a bit because I'm over my head about this and I needed some answers somehow. And it's a tiny link. That's all. A link that's like a quiz about sexual proclivities that they've shared with each other. It's very intimate. It's questions like "will X be woken up with oral sex by Y". And I'm devastated. I am so devastated because I am not this snooping person but I have devolved into such a trash human being because we don't have trust.

I'm also fucking pissed because my survival in an industry seems fucking tied up to him. He's a big persona and I am screwed if I confront him. BUT I don't want to be so tied down and I just want some answers. I want to talk to them both because I will only combust if I keep this within me. I think I plan on asking my colleague first. Tomorrow. And then talking to him because I think I need a resolution. My work my life all hangs by a thread right now.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I being stupid? Should I quit the industry and just vanish? What do I do? I don't know what I intend to ask you all really. I just needed to fess up because I fear I will do something like self harm. But I'm not that person.

I am so heartbroken because I seem to be in a time loop of bad choices one after the one when it comes to men. I'm beginning to feel like I have a serious lack within me. And it's prompting me to reassess my entire existence.

Original post here.TL;DR: I fell for my ex boss who I was in an open/poly relationship. Jealousy issues surfaced and turns out my gut instincts might be right about my colleague and him. I need advice on how to deal with it.I am going to apologize profusely right at the onset because this is going to be a long confusing post that devolves into a downward spiral. I am feeling very vulnerable right now. Gutted really. But I need to vent and I could do with some much needed advice. Anyway,My (then) boss and I started hanging out a lot often about 8-9 months ago. There was obvious chemistry because he had that aura that just reeled me in. And I am a young naive woman who's not used to such sudden excess attention. Things eventually escalated and we ended up together. I need to add at this instance that I knew what I was getting into because we had flirted around the topic of polyamory and that's when I'd bumped into his (primary) partner as well. My moral compass isn't the best but it knew that I was only accountable for my actions. Which is the reasoning I went with as I ended up sleeping with him. I also knew that the power equation between us was quite imbalanced because of our work dynamic. He's my boss, I'm his junior. I'm adding all of this because rationally speaking my brain was telling me how bad an idea it was but I was consumed by the idea of being with him (which again is how skewed power dynamics work).Cut to about December last year, things dialled down a bit. I'd been with him about 2 months by then. I also realized I was falling for him. I've to confess for all my lack of moral fibre talk that I give myself, I'm a needy sponge and he was fulfilling this really new aspect of myself that involved fetishistic sex. The power dynamic, the so called poly aspect of our fling and the BDSM just propelled me further into the deep end of affections.But December was also when we had a party that changed a lot of things. Broke some part of the mirage. My colleague [29F] who was his desk partner started hanging out with him a bit more. His effect on me was such that I felt the first pangs of jealousy. It wouldn't have been an issue for me if not for the proximity of the act as it was unfolding at work. Plus she and I were close. I realized my zealous crush was what had pushed them together.So she and I are at a party hosted by him and I realize I'm so new to social behaviors that I was an awkward klutz while she, who I thought had this lovely cutesy clumsiness about her, was a charming persona at the party. This is my first job and that means I am unused to social customs while she's been in the circuit for a while. I was failing at simple things like how to pour wine properly to behaving in an intimate setting. I've never properly recovered from that episode because he still calls me out on it in a way. And I went rushing to him because he was upset with my behavior on that particular night. I ran to him because our power dynamic by that time had ensured that I was slavish towards him. I just wanted to be on his right side. Even though my instincts were against it. I was also going through a very personal calamity around that time which definitely tilted a lot of the power balance to his side. My depression escalated and I lost all forms of self confidence.Meanwhile, this party strengthened their bond a lot more somehow. They were texting each other more often and sharing stuff. I realized I couldn't be "jealous" because we had an open relationship thus voiding my emotions per se.Though I did bring up the conversation once. I told him that I was feeling jealous of their friendship and I was trying to deal with it. In retrospect though, I don't remember him comforting me about it. I also said something on the lines of how I will deal with it myself.But soon after after, things went from bad to worse that he decided to call time on our relationship. We lasted a month without each other. During the break, I was pining. I was having dream after dream involving him and I was consumed. They were so so harrowing that I remember waking up crying.Another party happened and by some strange luck, we were both invited. Without getting into the details, we ended up together. But I also knew things were different because we had lost each other's trust by then. It oozed out in the ways we behaved with each other. We needed each other but we also couldn't stand each other. No extra conversation. The attention usually came my way when there was a need. Or if I had a need. We've trudged along thus till now.(Further context, he and his primary partner decided to part ways in the meanwhile. I realized I was a bit relieved but also very scared because i didn't know if bringing another person so soon was something I was comfortable with. It meant we needed to have a conversation soon. Also because one day post sex, he mentioned if I wanted to try couple swapping (something I haven't indulged in yet and it feels like something that primary partners do)).Then Tuesday happens. I'm walking over to my colleague's desk when I see her smiling at her phone. I also obviously see the name on the screen. It's him. And some red fucking balloon of anger pops in my head. I am seething and I'm unable to chalk it up to a hormonal imbalance this time.Today, in my zealous jealousy, I snoop a bit because I'm over my head about this and I needed some answers somehow. And it's a tiny link. That's all. A link that's like a quiz about sexual proclivities that they've shared with each other. It's very intimate. It's questions like "will X be woken up with oral sex by Y". And I'm devastated. I am so devastated because I am not this snooping person but I have devolved into such a trash human being because we don't have trust.I'm also fucking pissed because my survival in an industry seems fucking tied up to him. He's a big persona and I am screwed if I confront him. BUT I don't want to be so tied down and I just want some answers. I want to talk to them both because I will only combust if I keep this within me. I think I plan on asking my colleague first. Tomorrow. And then talking to him because I think I need a resolution. My work my life all hangs by a thread right now.Am I doing the right thing? Am I being stupid? Should I quit the industry and just vanish? What do I do? I don't know what I intend to ask you all really. I just needed to fess up because I fear I will do something like self harm. But I'm not that person.I am so heartbroken because I seem to be in a time loop of bad choices one after the one when it comes to men. I'm beginning to feel like I have a serious lack within me. And it's prompting me to reassess my entire existence. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2KwQrnQ