Tired of depression and draining people with my constant complaining.

How should I go about getting out of this vicious cycle of depression and negative looping thoughts?

There are so many facets to it that it is exhausting.

I've tried meditating, medicating, talking to people, trying to change habits but ultimately I keep failing.

I seem to complain too much to my friends and I can feel that it is draining them as after having gone over the same old same old they feel like they cannot offer any other advice and I can see that they just want to be out and relax for once instead of having to deal with my shit. I feel bad when I dwell with it alone, I feel worse knowing I'm a burden.

I have tried cleaning up my food because over the years I have been stuffing my face at all hours for temporary pleasure as comfort which has made my situation worse. Fat, unable to be active as I used to be. I have signed up to exercise but it is zeroed out when the junk food past midnight becomes the third dinner.

I am not doing any of the things that I am interested in and wanted to do in this life and I can just feel the regret already. I've tried forcing to build habits but ultimately comes one day and it blows it all up - complete failure back to square one for the hundredth time.

Meditation seemed to help on certain days but not always. There are those days where you simply cannot bring yourself to do any of the steps required to fix yourself - not even listening to music which always alters the state of mind.

Willpower and discipline are non-existent, some say willpower is overrated and instead building habits is the way to go. Even that I fail to do.

There are some days that are more productive than others, I cannot, however sustain it. Time wasting is my forte.

I would really like to be in a state of harmony and contentment, but I get overrun by negative thoughts, self-doubt, anxiety, loss of energy, frustration and anger. Anxiety from fearing loss of close ones and that I am unable to be the person who shows them any appreciation or love because I'm fucked up.

Have not dated since my last relationship which seemingly initiated the strong onset of depression. I miss it but I am definitely not ready to burden anybody until I fix myself. I am sick and tired of not making any progress in the slightest for years on end.

I can see that a lot of it will be remedied by a healthy and active lifestyle which will at least help regulate any hormonal imbalances. There still remains the existential aspect which for some unfathomable reason seems to cause more of a distressing state of mind rather than being put at ease that nobody gives a fuck, nothing matters and ultimately you get to decide what matters to you and where you'd like to dedicate your time to. Instead of being able not to give a single fuck, for some reason or other, I give a fuck about anything and everything except for certain situations where it gets so bad that I no longer have any energy to bother so I switch off completely.

I feel like a waste of space most of the time and I would really love to be able to feel ok and actually do something worth doing before the lights go out. There is so much beauty all around us on this planet, yet I cannot bring myself to enjoy it. Nature does calm me down, but the problem is getting off my ass and out of my room to go to a park or something. Even if I do, it is short-lived. All it takes is to go into a social setting and I feel like utter crap again.

Being in a better state of mind temporarily makes me think how is it possible that I'm even depressed, it seems so silly - yet when the opposite happens, feelings of courage, happiness and appreciation feel so foreign and silly as if it is all pretend, as if it is a great delusion. To add to this, I feel like I do not get to feel happy, like I am not allowed to or do not deserve to because I am pathetic and I suck. I get embarrassed just by existing in front of others.

There's a lot more but I cannot think of them now - another thing that really got affected is my memory, I feel completely stupid when depressed, utterly diminished brain functionality in all aspects, and a lot of things that may seemingly have been attributed to illogical thinking may in fact not even be the case. Sometimes the thinking follows a logical structure of a depressed mind that may also be a bored mind that needs something to do. As if it is some form of obsessive behavior to be entertained and to learn, grow and improve.

Feel like a babbling idiot right now, on the cusp of going nuts and I want to be able to handle it. I am tired of it. Sorry for the wall of text and running train of thought.

TL;DR: Can't stop bad habits, overthinking, complaining, alienating people, wasting life, I am not doing things I want or enjoy, I overeat, tired of being depressed, have no idea what to do or even if anything would in fact help - does it ever go away?

How should I go about getting out of this vicious cycle of depression and negative looping thoughts?There are so many facets to it that it is exhausting.I've tried meditating, medicating, talking to people, trying to change habits but ultimately I keep failing.I seem to complain too much to my friends and I can feel that it is draining them as after having gone over the same old same old they feel like they cannot offer any other advice and I can see that they just want to be out and relax for once instead of having to deal with my shit. I feel bad when I dwell with it alone, I feel worse knowing I'm a burden.I have tried cleaning up my food because over the years I have been stuffing my face at all hours for temporary pleasure as comfort which has made my situation worse. Fat, unable to be active as I used to be. I have signed up to exercise but it is zeroed out when the junk food past midnight becomes the third dinner.I am not doing any of the things that I am interested in and wanted to do in this life and I can just feel the regret already. I've tried forcing to build habits but ultimately comes one day and it blows it all up - complete failure back to square one for the hundredth time.Meditation seemed to help on certain days but not always. There are those days where you simply cannot bring yourself to do any of the steps required to fix yourself - not even listening to music which always alters the state of mind.Willpower and discipline are non-existent, some say willpower is overrated and instead building habits is the way to go. Even that I fail to do.There are some days that are more productive than others, I cannot, however sustain it. Time wasting is my forte.I would really like to be in a state of harmony and contentment, but I get overrun by negative thoughts, self-doubt, anxiety, loss of energy, frustration and anger. Anxiety from fearing loss of close ones and that I am unable to be the person who shows them any appreciation or love because I'm fucked up.Have not dated since my last relationship which seemingly initiated the strong onset of depression. I miss it but I am definitely not ready to burden anybody until I fix myself. I am sick and tired of not making any progress in the slightest for years on end.I can see that a lot of it will be remedied by a healthy and active lifestyle which will at least help regulate any hormonal imbalances. There still remains the existential aspect which for some unfathomable reason seems to cause more of a distressing state of mind rather than being put at ease that nobody gives a fuck, nothing matters and ultimately you get to decide what matters to you and where you'd like to dedicate your time to. Instead of being able not to give a single fuck, for some reason or other, I give a fuck about anything and everything except for certain situations where it gets so bad that I no longer have any energy to bother so I switch off completely.I feel like a waste of space most of the time and I would really love to be able to feel ok and actually do something worth doing before the lights go out. There is so much beauty all around us on this planet, yet I cannot bring myself to enjoy it. Nature does calm me down, but the problem is getting off my ass and out of my room to go to a park or something. Even if I do, it is short-lived. All it takes is to go into a social setting and I feel like utter crap again.Being in a better state of mind temporarily makes me think how is it possible that I'm even depressed, it seems so silly - yet when the opposite happens, feelings of courage, happiness and appreciation feel so foreign and silly as if it is all pretend, as if it is a great delusion. To add to this, I feel like I do not get to feel happy, like I am not allowed to or do not deserve to because I am pathetic and I suck. I get embarrassed just by existing in front of others.There's a lot more but I cannot think of them now - another thing that really got affected is my memory, I feel completely stupid when depressed, utterly diminished brain functionality in all aspects, and a lot of things that may seemingly have been attributed to illogical thinking may in fact not even be the case. Sometimes the thinking follows a logical structure of a depressed mind that may also be a bored mind that needs something to do. As if it is some form of obsessive behavior to be entertained and to learn, grow and improve.Feel like a babbling idiot right now, on the cusp of going nuts and I want to be able to handle it. I am tired of it. Sorry for the wall of text and running train of thought.TL;DR: Can't stop bad habits, overthinking, complaining, alienating people, wasting life, I am not doing things I want or enjoy, I overeat, tired of being depressed, have no idea what to do or even if anything would in fact help - does it ever go away? https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2KwKM1f