I am fat, a size 16 in jeans. I have been fat since I was a child. I hate exercise; it makes me break out in hives and smell like ammonia. I've exercised off and on throughout my life, but it's never made me feel sexy, thin, or in control of my body. I used to have to smoke weed to exercise or else I couldn't even make myself enter the gym. In fact, I feel pretty detached from my body. I dream about being a head in a jar like on Futurama. I once took a 23andme test and it emailed me some time later to tell me I'm destined to be fat.
I have a belly shaped like a capital B. The rest of my body is fine, but my belly is so weird looking. It looks almost identical to this photo I found online. There's a big fat roll on the top, and a bigger, fatter roll on the bottom. Pants and jeans fit me badly, so I obsess about finding the perfect jean that hits me right where it best de-emphasizes my belly shape. I'd wear skirts, but I hate the feeling of not having each of my legs encased in a pant leg. No matter what weight I'm at, the belly is defined. I remember sitting in high school classes looking at the other girls and wondering why I was so thick in the middle compared to them. I often dreamed about slicing off my belly with a knife, and still hope to this day, twenty years later, that it's just some hormonal imbalance that makes me look like I'm carrying around an 7-month pregnancy. I can usually pass for pregnant, for what it's worth.
I suppose I have an apple shape, and I keep looking for style articles to help me figure out how to dress in a way that disguises my gut. I can't have a shirt that clings at all to my belly; it has to have a very deliberate drape from my breasts downward so that I don't look lumpy. My roommate says she can't tell I have a belly at all, but then people see a photo of me in a bikini and call me "brave". I have only exposed my belly to sunlight once, and it was wearing that bikini. I had to be drunk and a thousand miles from home to feel at all comfortable letting strangers look at my body. I was convinced that they would think I have a health problem that makes my belly look the way it does. My husband doesn't initiate sex, and I don't want it, because there's nothing less sexy than sticking your wang into a fat belly attached to a vagina. I am sexless. I used to love sex, but now I don't even want to participate self-love. During any kind of sex, the gut is just in the way. If he's hitting it from behind, it dangles. If he's on top, it makes fart noises on his body. If I'm on top, it's wobbling right there in his face. If I do have sex, it's in the dark.
Mothers have guts that look like mine, and discuss it online often, but I've never had a baby. In the last decade I've gained and lost 100 pounds and gained back fifty. My 30 year-old body looks like a fucking warzone and I haven't even done anything to it besides live my life.
I'm struggling pretty hard today. I don't know why. It sort of blindsided me in the last few weeks, which is why I think I'm getting depressed again. I felt the birth of a new stretch mark yesterday, which can only mean my belly continues to get bigger. My therapist who specializes in body dysmorphia said that I appear to spend all my time in my head, and that I need to get in touch with my body again. I would like nothing more than to be a thousand miles away from my body.
edit for things I forgot to include: I am a skin and nail and hair picker. My skin is scarred from years of my own mutilation. Let's not even talk about my cuticles. Is this really a side effect of BDD?
I am fat, a size 16 in jeans. I have been fat since I was a child. I hate exercise; it makes me break out in hives and smell like ammonia. I've exercised off and on throughout my life, but it's never made me feel sexy, thin, or in control of my body. I used to have to smoke weed to exercise or else I couldn't even make myself enter the gym. In fact, I feel pretty detached from my body. I dream about being a head in a jar like on Futurama. I once took a 23andme test and it emailed me some time later to tell me I'm destined to be fat.I have a belly shaped like a capital B. The rest of my body is fine, but my belly is so weird looking. It looks almost identical to this photo I found online. There's a big fat roll on the top, and a bigger, fatter roll on the bottom. Pants and jeans fit me badly, so I obsess about finding the perfect jean that hits me right where it best de-emphasizes my belly shape. I'd wear skirts, but I hate the feeling of not having each of my legs encased in a pant leg. No matter what weight I'm at, the belly is defined. I remember sitting in high school classes looking at the other girls and wondering why I was so thick in the middle compared to them. I often dreamed about slicing off my belly with a knife, and still hope to this day, twenty years later, that it's just some hormonal imbalance that makes me look like I'm carrying around an 7-month pregnancy. I can usually pass for pregnant, for what it's worth.I suppose I have an apple shape, and I keep looking for style articles to help me figure out how to dress in a way that disguises my gut. I can't have a shirt that clings at all to my belly; it has to have a very deliberate drape from my breasts downward so that I don't look lumpy. My roommate says she can't tell I have a belly at all, but then people see a photo of me in a bikini and call me "brave". I have only exposed my belly to sunlight once, and it was wearing that bikini. I had to be drunk and a thousand miles from home to feel at all comfortable letting strangers look at my body. I was convinced that they would think I have a health problem that makes my belly look the way it does. My husband doesn't initiate sex, and I don't want it, because there's nothing less sexy than sticking your wang into a fat belly attached to a vagina. I am sexless. I used to love sex, but now I don't even want to participate self-love. During any kind of sex, the gut is just in the way. If he's hitting it from behind, it dangles. If he's on top, it makes fart noises on his body. If I'm on top, it's wobbling right there in his face. If I do have sex, it's in the dark.Mothers have guts that look like mine, and discuss it online often, but I've never had a baby. In the last decade I've gained and lost 100 pounds and gained back fifty. My 30 year-old body looks like a fucking warzone and I haven't even done anything to it besides live my life.I'm struggling pretty hard today. I don't know why. It sort of blindsided me in the last few weeks, which is why I think I'm getting depressed again. I felt the birth of a new stretch mark yesterday, which can only mean my belly continues to get bigger. My therapist who specializes in body dysmorphia said that I appear to spend all my time in my head, and that I need to get in touch with my body again. I would like nothing more than to be a thousand miles away from my body.edit for things I forgot to include: I am a skin and nail and hair picker. My skin is scarred from years of my own mutilation. Let's not even talk about my cuticles. Is this really a side effect of BDD? https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2lz7UBJ
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