Why is life valuable?

I've been suicidal for years now, I've had 2 attempts (overdose failed, and my "clothing hanger" gave in) but the next time I try I know I'll be successful. I've gone to therapy and I've tried talking to people. I just find no interest in anything and genuinely hate my own life. The only thing keeping me here is my own family, I don't want them to go through any pain. My problem is why is life considered to be this valuable?

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The common response by people I talk to is always along the lines of "you'll eventually find something that'll make you happy", "think about your family and how they would feel", or just "most people who are suicidal can typically be treated in some useful way." The problem is nothing interests me. I don't want to become anyone and I don't want to do anything. Not because I haven't found what I wanted to do, but just because I genuinely don't want to become anything. I don't care to have a family, I don't care to become financially successful, I don't care to do literally anything. I've been like this for a couple of years and the one question I keep having is why the fuck does everyone care so much?

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Life isn't valuable. None of this "oh you're one of a billion sperm cells" or "you're part of the best species on the planet" bullshit is going to work. No, life is not rare. I understand why loss is sad, but I also think loss avoidance might play a small role in why people can't understand suicide. I've put myself in my parents shoes and yes, if my son killed myself I would be distraught. But I would understand. I wouldn't make him think he had to live because "people would be sad if he didn't." I hate having a supportive family, as stupid as that sounds I would genuinely rather have been part of a very screwed up family. That why I wouldn't have a problem killing myself. Unfortunately everyone has to put this fucking insane value on life and treat it as some miracle. Like what the fuck, and even if life were a miracle I still wouldn't give a shit because I don't want to be alive. The only time I've felt comfort in a long time was when I felt the towel around my neck, or the few minutes after I took more than a dozen pills of Tylenol.

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Is there any possible way to lesser the effects suicide might have on your family? I fucking cry all the time like a little bitch because I'm almost unable to kill myself. I wish that I could somehow have just not been born in the first place since that would solve all problems. Or perhaps if I could trade my life for someone else's, like take their fatal illness while they take my unfortunate well-being. I've tried to reason with my brother and sister about suicide, that our family is stable and if I kill myself there is virtually no chance that any of them will. After a couple of months to years it will become "normal" again. Normal in the sense that sure life may be different, but they will still be able to find happiness. Of course they think otherwise, that they'll never get over it. It really pisses me off that I am practically unable to end my own life, how can I make someone understand that what I want in life is to not be alive? It's not a matter of not yet having found what makes me happy, because I don't care. If there was a magical medicine I could take to make me not feel like this I wouldn't take it, because me not wanting to live has nothing to do with any lack of happiness. I just don't want to live.

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I guess I haven't really asked anything worthwhile, but to me life isn't as valuable as they think it is. Coming from a religious family of course they think life is valuable, and that's where I imagine they find comfort. So in that regard it's extra hard to try and explain this to them, since I get the occasional "you don't know God's purpose" bullshit that's spewed out. In retrospect, I don't really make my family happy. Sure they'll say me being alive makes them happy but really I'm useless. I haven't held a real job, I argue with my siblings and father all the time, I put no effort into anything I do, I see no reason to do anything, and I'm never thankful for anything. In fact I can't even fucking argue correctly because it's all a fucking joke to me. All my family wants to do is deny that I'm like this, that it's some sort of phase or hormonal imbalance. I've lacked interest in anything my entire life, and sure my suicidal thoughts weren't a thing until I was around 14 but to me that's because I had to start caring about shit at that age. I thought about my own life, and I realized I didn't fucking want it. I'm mostly privileged and I'd be willing to trade my life with some random person I don't even know who's currently on their death bed without a second thought.

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At this point I've thought about suicide more than I've thought about anything by at least ten times. And it's not out of some depressed state, I live practically a care-free life right now. I just don't find a point and won't find a point in continuing to live and this is the only place I can imagine where other people feel like this. I read threads about people saying they're going to kill themselves soon or at some deadline and I envy them. All I could do when I contemplate suicide is think about my fucking family. I've written a suicide note thinking it might help them but I realized it probably won't. I'm probably better off pretending to be happy for a couple of months (pretty good at that) and just having an "accident" (maybe driving off a bridge or something).

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Is there anything at all that can lessen the pain? So far what I'm thinking is using my suicide note and creating 'comforting' video. I originally thought I'd distance myself from them, get into trouble and have them just not like me but then I thought about it. I feel like if I did that it would make them feel worse since they would definitely blame themselves. I don't know what to expect, realistically I guess I just wanted a place to write down my thoughts and see what other people who feel similar might have figured out or whatever.

I've been suicidal for years now, I've had 2 attempts (overdose failed, and my "clothing hanger" gave in) but the next time I try I know I'll be successful. I've gone to therapy and I've tried talking to people. I just find no interest in anything and genuinely hate my own life. The only thing keeping me here is my own family, I don't want them to go through any pain. My problem is why is life considered to be this valuable?​The common response by people I talk to is always along the lines of "you'll eventually find something that'll make you happy", "think about your family and how they would feel", or just "most people who are suicidal can typically be treated in some useful way." The problem is nothing interests me. I don't want to become anyone and I don't want to do anything. Not because I haven't found what I wanted to do, but just because I genuinely don't want to become anything. I don't care to have a family, I don't care to become financially successful, I don't care to do literally anything. I've been like this for a couple of years and the one question I keep having is why the fuck does everyone care so much?​Life isn't valuable. None of this "oh you're one of a billion sperm cells" or "you're part of the best species on the planet" bullshit is going to work. No, life is not rare. I understand why loss is sad, but I also think loss avoidance might play a small role in why people can't understand suicide. I've put myself in my parents shoes and yes, if my son killed myself I would be distraught. But I would understand. I wouldn't make him think he had to live because "people would be sad if he didn't." I hate having a supportive family, as stupid as that sounds I would genuinely rather have been part of a very screwed up family. That why I wouldn't have a problem killing myself. Unfortunately everyone has to put this fucking insane value on life and treat it as some miracle. Like what the fuck, and even if life were a miracle I still wouldn't give a shit because I don't want to be alive. The only time I've felt comfort in a long time was when I felt the towel around my neck, or the few minutes after I took more than a dozen pills of Tylenol.​Is there any possible way to lesser the effects suicide might have on your family? I fucking cry all the time like a little bitch because I'm almost unable to kill myself. I wish that I could somehow have just not been born in the first place since that would solve all problems. Or perhaps if I could trade my life for someone else's, like take their fatal illness while they take my unfortunate well-being. I've tried to reason with my brother and sister about suicide, that our family is stable and if I kill myself there is virtually no chance that any of them will. After a couple of months to years it will become "normal" again. Normal in the sense that sure life may be different, but they will still be able to find happiness. Of course they think otherwise, that they'll never get over it. It really pisses me off that I am practically unable to end my own life, how can I make someone understand that what I want in life is to not be alive? It's not a matter of not yet having found what makes me happy, because I don't care. If there was a magical medicine I could take to make me not feel like this I wouldn't take it, because me not wanting to live has nothing to do with any lack of happiness. I just don't want to live.​I guess I haven't really asked anything worthwhile, but to me life isn't as valuable as they think it is. Coming from a religious family of course they think life is valuable, and that's where I imagine they find comfort. So in that regard it's extra hard to try and explain this to them, since I get the occasional "you don't know God's purpose" bullshit that's spewed out. In retrospect, I don't really make my family happy. Sure they'll say me being alive makes them happy but really I'm useless. I haven't held a real job, I argue with my siblings and father all the time, I put no effort into anything I do, I see no reason to do anything, and I'm never thankful for anything. In fact I can't even fucking argue correctly because it's all a fucking joke to me. All my family wants to do is deny that I'm like this, that it's some sort of phase or hormonal imbalance. I've lacked interest in anything my entire life, and sure my suicidal thoughts weren't a thing until I was around 14 but to me that's because I had to start caring about shit at that age. I thought about my own life, and I realized I didn't fucking want it. I'm mostly privileged and I'd be willing to trade my life with some random person I don't even know who's currently on their death bed without a second thought.​At this point I've thought about suicide more than I've thought about anything by at least ten times. And it's not out of some depressed state, I live practically a care-free life right now. I just don't find a point and won't find a point in continuing to live and this is the only place I can imagine where other people feel like this. I read threads about people saying they're going to kill themselves soon or at some deadline and I envy them. All I could do when I contemplate suicide is think about my fucking family. I've written a suicide note thinking it might help them but I realized it probably won't. I'm probably better off pretending to be happy for a couple of months (pretty good at that) and just having an "accident" (maybe driving off a bridge or something).​Is there anything at all that can lessen the pain? So far what I'm thinking is using my suicide note and creating 'comforting' video. I originally thought I'd distance myself from them, get into trouble and have them just not like me but then I thought about it. I feel like if I did that it would make them feel worse since they would definitely blame themselves. I don't know what to expect, realistically I guess I just wanted a place to write down my thoughts and see what other people who feel similar might have figured out or whatever. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2O9gqYb