Talking to my mom makes we want to start drinking

I could write a novel on my history with her but in a nutshell:

1. she cheated on my dad, got pregnant, left him for the new guy, and has spent years using me to attempt to get back with my dad.

2. after the divorce, I lived with her for a while where she abused me verbally and physically, gave me a busted lip and a black eye, and then told my dad to take me back.

3. she and my step-dad are (apparently) abusive to eachother and my mom can't stand him.

We were estranged til my half-brother convinced me to make up with her. So, I've been attempting to do that. Learned that she most likely has a hormonal imbalance due to a tumor she had on her pituitary gland before I was born and that explains a LOT. She's paranoid, she's anxious, she has anger problems, and she's batshit crazy. I'm sorry but even knowing that, she's insufferable. I wanna get her help but we're in different states and my brother won't help me help her.

But anyways, he's graduating college soon so I called her to arrange for us meeting when I fly out there for his graduation.

The first thing out of her mouth after asking the obligatory "how are you?" is to ask how my dad is doing and just by her tone alone, I can already tell that's her main priority. I'm used to this, though, so I just assure her he's okay and keep it moving.

She starts to complain about her life as a shut-in due to her paranoia (she doesn't recognize it as paranoia, but that's what it is), and this time I chose not to engage her because every time it devolves into a 3-hour rant about how much she hates my step-dad and all the things she thinks he's doing to sabotage her, that he's not actually doing. My brother and I have tried to talk some sense into her, but she's crazy. I'm sorry. I know that's cold, but that's how it is, straight forward. I'm not going to feed that today.

She moves on to complaining about why my husband can't come with me and it takes me several tries to reiterate that he's an immigrant going through his greencard process right now and our very anti-immigrant government has him scared shitless to fly so I'm not going to make him do that.

She complains about my brother's spending habits (she is radically frugal unless it's someone else's money she can spend) and I remind her he's an adult who earned his money by working, so if he wants to spend a bit of it, it's fine. I tell her she raised a great guy who is more than capable of taking care of himself.

She confides that she's worried my brother will become gay because "there's a lot of gay people around here" and she believes they all just turned that way one day. I tell her she's worrying over nothing because that's not how gayness works. She tells me he's single now and is convinced ALL his other girlfriends were just out for his non-existent money. I listen quietly and change the subject.

She blames not visiting us for Thanksgiving on my brother's finals. I remind her that I'm in college too and I also have exams to study for so it's really no problem. She basically tells me her main reason for wanting to come up is to see my dad again.

This is the part where I began to lose my temper with her. She asks me how long I have left for my schooling and I told her 1 more year of undergrad and then 4 years of pharmacy school. She then begins to complain that it's too long. I tell her yeah, but after it's all over, my yearly pay will be six figures.

She whines, "But you're THIRTY!" I tell her "okay, so...what do you want me to do? I can not go to school and make less than $30k my whole life or I can keep going, get my doctorate, and get paid as a doctor by the time I'm 35 or 36. It's not like I'm going to drop dead at 40 years old. There's a lot of years left so I might as well make the most of it." I tried to keep my voice under control, but I could feel myself getting aggressive about it. I wanna tell her part of the reason I'm busting ass is for HER. Because I want to be able to afford to take care of her, physically and mentally and I can't right now.

She tries to pivot the conversation back to complaining about her husband but it doesn't work so she ends by inquiring about my dad one last time where I have to assure her over and over and over again that he is FINE.

We hung up and I just put my head down on the kitchen table. I don't drink, but I sure as hell could use one. I summarized that entire conversation but it didn't go as badly for her as it did for me, I hope. The whole time, I tried to respond to everything she said with some lightness and warmth (except when she criticized my education) because I do love her; she's my mom. I do ultimately want her to feel comfortable talking to me and I want to ease her mind so I tried my best. I wasn't just coldly brushing her off and arguing with her, though I know this post sounds like I did.

She's exhausting and I feel like all my energy has been drained. And while I think she does genuinely want to spend time with me, I still feel like her ultimate goal - her main motivation - is to try to latch back onto my dad. Even though, he has been very outspoken and direct about how he wants NOTHING to do with her anymore, she can't accept that.

It took me a LOT of years of hurting over her as a child and a teen to get over it. I spent years wondering why she just didn't care about me and why all of her interactions with me had to be about my dad before shutting off all my feelings. I just accepted that she didn't care that much about me, I couldn't make her feel something she didn't, and it was what it was. I quit being angry with her and became apathetic and just like "If you wanna talk, we can talk. I'm not mad, I don't hold a grudge. But I'm not pining over you any more. I don't care what you choose to do."

At my own wedding, her last words to me at the end of the day were to thank me for inviting her because it gave her an opportunity to see my dad. It wasn't about me or my big milestone, it was all about her and her opportunity with my dad. I think that was my very first attempt at patching things between us so i had a lot of hope but after she said that, I remember crying about it later. So IDK, I guess I'm not as apathetic as I thought I was, I just bury that shit deep down because I'm tired of hurting.

And now that I've been trying to reconcile, I understand her motivations better and I know she loves me but...it's still a work in progress. Holy fuck, is it a work in progress.

I could write a novel on my history with her but in a nutshell:she cheated on my dad, got pregnant, left him for the new guy, and has spent years using me to attempt to get back with my dad.after the divorce, I lived with her for a while where she abused me verbally and physically, gave me a busted lip and a black eye, and then told my dad to take me back.she and my step-dad are (apparently) abusive to eachother and my mom can't stand him.We were estranged til my half-brother convinced me to make up with her. So, I've been attempting to do that. Learned that she most likely has a hormonal imbalance due to a tumor she had on her pituitary gland before I was born and that explains a LOT. She's paranoid, she's anxious, she has anger problems, and she's batshit crazy. I'm sorry but even knowing that, she's insufferable. I wanna get her help but we're in different states and my brother won't help me help her.But anyways, he's graduating college soon so I called her to arrange for us meeting when I fly out there for his graduation.The first thing out of her mouth after asking the obligatory "how are you?" is to ask how my dad is doing and just by her tone alone, I can already tell that's her main priority. I'm used to this, though, so I just assure her he's okay and keep it moving.She starts to complain about her life as a shut-in due to her paranoia (she doesn't recognize it as paranoia, but that's what it is), and this time I chose not to engage her because every time it devolves into a 3-hour rant about how much she hates my step-dad and all the things she thinks he's doing to sabotage her, that he's not actually doing. My brother and I have tried to talk some sense into her, but she's crazy. I'm sorry. I know that's cold, but that's how it is, straight forward. I'm not going to feed that today.She moves on to complaining about why my husband can't come with me and it takes me several tries to reiterate that he's an immigrant going through his greencard process right now and our very anti-immigrant government has him scared shitless to fly so I'm not going to make him do that.She complains about my brother's spending habits (she is radically frugal unless it's someone else's money she can spend) and I remind her he's an adult who earned his money by working, so if he wants to spend a bit of it, it's fine. I tell her she raised a great guy who is more than capable of taking care of himself.She confides that she's worried my brother will become gay because "there's a lot of gay people around here" and she believes they all just turned that way one day. I tell her she's worrying over nothing because that's not how gayness works. She tells me he's single now and is convinced ALL his other girlfriends were just out for his non-existent money. I listen quietly and change the subject.She blames not visiting us for Thanksgiving on my brother's finals. I remind her that I'm in college too and I also have exams to study for so it's really no problem. She basically tells me her main reason for wanting to come up is to see my dad again.This is the part where I began to lose my temper with her. She asks me how long I have left for my schooling and I told her 1 more year of undergrad and then 4 years of pharmacy school. She then begins to complain that it's too long. I tell her yeah, but after it's all over, my yearly pay will be six figures.She whines, "But you're THIRTY!" I tell her "okay, so...what do you want me to do? I can not go to school and make less than $30k my whole life or I can keep going, get my doctorate, and get paid as a doctor by the time I'm 35 or 36. It's not like I'm going to drop dead at 40 years old. There's a lot of years left so I might as well make the most of it." I tried to keep my voice under control, but I could feel myself getting aggressive about it. I wanna tell her part of the reason I'm busting ass is for HER. Because I want to be able to afford to take care of her, physically and mentally and I can't right now.She tries to pivot the conversation back to complaining about her husband but it doesn't work so she ends by inquiring about my dad one last time where I have to assure her over and over and over again that he is FINE.We hung up and I just put my head down on the kitchen table. I don't drink, but I sure as hell could use one. I summarized that entire conversation but it didn't go as badly for her as it did for me, I hope. The whole time, I tried to respond to everything she said with some lightness and warmth (except when she criticized my education) because I do love her; she's my mom. I do ultimately want her to feel comfortable talking to me and I want to ease her mind so I tried my best. I wasn't just coldly brushing her off and arguing with her, though I know this post sounds like I did.She's exhausting and I feel like all my energy has been drained. And while I think she does genuinely want to spend time with me, I still feel like her ultimate goal - her main motivation - is to try to latch back onto my dad. Even though, he has been very outspoken and direct about how he wants NOTHING to do with her anymore, she can't accept that.It took me a LOT of years of hurting over her as a child and a teen to get over it. I spent years wondering why she just didn't care about me and why all of her interactions with me had to be about my dad before shutting off all my feelings. I just accepted that she didn't care that much about me, I couldn't make her feel something she didn't, and it was what it was. I quit being angry with her and became apathetic and just like "If you wanna talk, we can talk. I'm not mad, I don't hold a grudge. But I'm not pining over you any more. I don't care what you choose to do."At my own wedding, her last words to me at the end of the day were to thank me for inviting her because it gave her an opportunity to see my dad. It wasn't about me or my big milestone, it was all about her and her opportunity with my dad. I think that was my very first attempt at patching things between us so i had a lot of hope but after she said that, I remember crying about it later. So IDK, I guess I'm not as apathetic as I thought I was, I just bury that shit deep down because I'm tired of hurting.And now that I've been trying to reconcile, I understand her motivations better and I know she loves me but...it's still a work in progress. Holy fuck, is it a work in progress. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2QkoMwR