Sorry if it's long, I mostly just have to write everything down. If anyone can offer kind words or advice, i'd really appreciate it.
So, im 30 going on 31. When I was about 21, I was hit by really bad anxiety which almost left me incapable of leaving the house. It wasn't rooted in anything, but I have a suspicion that a 6 month period of unemployment caused it. I'd sit around all day without any plans, and slowly but surely, that wore me down and gave me anxiety. I remember it all started with a weird dream I had. I woke up feeling really spaced out. The next day, I felt so spacey, like I was watching everything with a blurry wall between me and my life. I now know it to have been either disassociation or de realization. It really made me feel strange, and the next day, I woke up with a full blown anxiety attack. I never experienced anxiety before, and thought I was losing my mind. My uncle had schizophrenia and I was convinced that it got passed onto me and I was finally going crazy. I wound up in the hospital, where they ran some blood tests, found out I had a thyroid hormonal imbalance (hypothyroidism, which is currently under control with medication), and finally told me they thought it was anxiety. I remember talking to this resident psych nurse, and just the way he talked, he really calmed me down. I felt tons better. I felt like I was on the mend. Then the next day, I went over to my girlfriends place, and when I got there, I was hit by bad anxiety. We sat down and watched some TV to try and get my mind off of it, but every sad thing I saw on TV made me finally break down. I started sobbing and I didn't know why. I was really scared.
Fast forward a few years. I went through a very hard break up with my gf. I was completely devastated. I was planning on marrying her. Its the first time I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. I was inconsolable for weeks. Slowly but surely I got out of that funk, but ever since that experience, I feel like my emotions and everything in my life have been numbed. Like, my brain recognized that trauma, and numbed itself to protect itself. I've been dealing with it ever since. I dont really feel strong emotions. Almost never feel joy, sadness, I can almost never cry (when my grandfather died, I was more upset that I had to go through the funeral process etc than his actual death). Music has slowly been losing it's appeal. My hobbies are more like pass-times rather than passions. Eating is always a chore, as my appetite is pretty low. Classic depression.
Fast forward to 2012. I moved out of my house into an apartment with 2 other guys. From the first day, I felt scared, anxious, and just wanted to pack up my stuff and go back home. That anxiety faded mostly, and I was fine. A year later, I moved into my own space. I loved it. But then one day, I had a bad bout of anxiety and derealization, and felt so alone. It got better. I moved to another location closer to my friends, but with higher rent. It stressed me out, but I wanted to be closer to my friends. Well luckily for me, thats when my depression and anxiety manifested itself into a new form. I was convinced that none of my friends wanted to hang out with me, that I was a filler friend, someone they invite out of pity. I was an emotional wreck. A few months in, I decided to break my lease and move back home, where I lived for about a year. I started smoking a lot of pot. I was still convinced my friends hated me. I would shut myself in my room, smoke pot, and be sad and anxious alone. If I did manage to go out and hang with friends, I always had to leave early because I felt unwanted. I'd go to parties, feel so left out, so unwanted, undesired, and then take the subway home, all the while thinking about how I should kill myself. I moved again 2 years ago, into my own place. This apartment's rent was pretty cheap for a 1 bedroom, and I was closer to my friends, so I jumped on the opportunity. Well, I heard through the grapevine that the building I moved into wasn't the best. Bed bugs, addicts, poor upkeep etc. I tried to ignore it. A few months went by, and my bathroom ceiling started leaking. My landlords did nothing, and eventually my entire ceiling had practically collapsed. Now, being the anxious person I am, I need my living space to feel safe and familiar, and this derailed that. Nobody was taking it seriously. I went to stay with my friend, and I had a breakdown. She seemed kind of unconcerned. It was finally repaired, but the damage was done. Every time I went home, i'd feel on edge. Like, I was expecting something else to have gone wrong. I started smoking more pot. One night, after smoking, I started feeling anxious. I was stoned, so I tried calming myself down, telling myself that it was just the pot, but it didnt help. I freaked out, and called my mom, explained it all (she's super open with weed and stuff), and she told me to just come home. I went to my mom's place, and felt safe immediately. So the next day I went back to my apartment, and got anxious again, and went back to moms again. This pattern lasted for about a month, and finally on NYE 2 years ago, my mom went with me to the ER. I was told I had avoidant personality disorder, and was put on Cipralex, or Lexapro for you Americans. I reaaaaaally didn't want to take meds, but I couldn't function, couldn't eat, lost weight, and was unable to be in social settings. Things slowly got better. My anxiety slowly went away (mostly), and I felt a lot better. I decided to move back home again, and take care of myself.
I live at home now. I can't seem to keep any romantic relationships, because of the fear of abandonment (my dad abandoned me when I was young), and though my friendships have gotten a lot better, I still sometimes struggle with feelings of social inadequacy. I dont have very many friends. My libido is also pitifully small. I can go days if not weeks without any sexual release. I never went to school after high school, so I dont have any career or ideas. I'm working a shitty retail job, which more often than not, leaves me fuming with anger. I'm still on my antidepressants, but I still don't enjoy many things, can't cry, rarely feel joy, love is almost alien of an emotion for me to feel. I feel like everyone around me is coming into themselves, getting careers, falling in love, getting married and having kids, and im this loser who lives in his mom's basement without any drive, motivation or path for my future. A lot of people are telling me to just figure out what I love to do, and try and study in that field, but my depression has zapped anything I loved doing, and i'm also too scared to study, because im too scared to fail. Ive racked up some serious debt, and now, the thought of moving back out fills me with dread.
My day to day life now involves going to work, where im constantly angry, coming home, trying to eat dinner, and then smoking weed. I smoke every night now, because when im high, I feel things again. Music exhilarates me. I get super horny, everything feels tons better, and my appetite comes roaring back.
I dont know what to do. I feel like im going towards a path of working retail my whole life, which fills me with hopelessness.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry if it's long, I mostly just have to write everything down. If anyone can offer kind words or advice, i'd really appreciate it.So, im 30 going on 31. When I was about 21, I was hit by really bad anxiety which almost left me incapable of leaving the house. It wasn't rooted in anything, but I have a suspicion that a 6 month period of unemployment caused it. I'd sit around all day without any plans, and slowly but surely, that wore me down and gave me anxiety. I remember it all started with a weird dream I had. I woke up feeling really spaced out. The next day, I felt so spacey, like I was watching everything with a blurry wall between me and my life. I now know it to have been either disassociation or de realization. It really made me feel strange, and the next day, I woke up with a full blown anxiety attack. I never experienced anxiety before, and thought I was losing my mind. My uncle had schizophrenia and I was convinced that it got passed onto me and I was finally going crazy. I wound up in the hospital, where they ran some blood tests, found out I had a thyroid hormonal imbalance (hypothyroidism, which is currently under control with medication), and finally told me they thought it was anxiety. I remember talking to this resident psych nurse, and just the way he talked, he really calmed me down. I felt tons better. I felt like I was on the mend. Then the next day, I went over to my girlfriends place, and when I got there, I was hit by bad anxiety. We sat down and watched some TV to try and get my mind off of it, but every sad thing I saw on TV made me finally break down. I started sobbing and I didn't know why. I was really scared.Fast forward a few years. I went through a very hard break up with my gf. I was completely devastated. I was planning on marrying her. Its the first time I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. I was inconsolable for weeks. Slowly but surely I got out of that funk, but ever since that experience, I feel like my emotions and everything in my life have been numbed. Like, my brain recognized that trauma, and numbed itself to protect itself. I've been dealing with it ever since. I dont really feel strong emotions. Almost never feel joy, sadness, I can almost never cry (when my grandfather died, I was more upset that I had to go through the funeral process etc than his actual death). Music has slowly been losing it's appeal. My hobbies are more like pass-times rather than passions. Eating is always a chore, as my appetite is pretty low. Classic depression.Fast forward to 2012. I moved out of my house into an apartment with 2 other guys. From the first day, I felt scared, anxious, and just wanted to pack up my stuff and go back home. That anxiety faded mostly, and I was fine. A year later, I moved into my own space. I loved it. But then one day, I had a bad bout of anxiety and derealization, and felt so alone. It got better. I moved to another location closer to my friends, but with higher rent. It stressed me out, but I wanted to be closer to my friends. Well luckily for me, thats when my depression and anxiety manifested itself into a new form. I was convinced that none of my friends wanted to hang out with me, that I was a filler friend, someone they invite out of pity. I was an emotional wreck. A few months in, I decided to break my lease and move back home, where I lived for about a year. I started smoking a lot of pot. I was still convinced my friends hated me. I would shut myself in my room, smoke pot, and be sad and anxious alone. If I did manage to go out and hang with friends, I always had to leave early because I felt unwanted. I'd go to parties, feel so left out, so unwanted, undesired, and then take the subway home, all the while thinking about how I should kill myself. I moved again 2 years ago, into my own place. This apartment's rent was pretty cheap for a 1 bedroom, and I was closer to my friends, so I jumped on the opportunity. Well, I heard through the grapevine that the building I moved into wasn't the best. Bed bugs, addicts, poor upkeep etc. I tried to ignore it. A few months went by, and my bathroom ceiling started leaking. My landlords did nothing, and eventually my entire ceiling had practically collapsed. Now, being the anxious person I am, I need my living space to feel safe and familiar, and this derailed that. Nobody was taking it seriously. I went to stay with my friend, and I had a breakdown. She seemed kind of unconcerned. It was finally repaired, but the damage was done. Every time I went home, i'd feel on edge. Like, I was expecting something else to have gone wrong. I started smoking more pot. One night, after smoking, I started feeling anxious. I was stoned, so I tried calming myself down, telling myself that it was just the pot, but it didnt help. I freaked out, and called my mom, explained it all (she's super open with weed and stuff), and she told me to just come home. I went to my mom's place, and felt safe immediately. So the next day I went back to my apartment, and got anxious again, and went back to moms again. This pattern lasted for about a month, and finally on NYE 2 years ago, my mom went with me to the ER. I was told I had avoidant personality disorder, and was put on Cipralex, or Lexapro for you Americans. I reaaaaaally didn't want to take meds, but I couldn't function, couldn't eat, lost weight, and was unable to be in social settings. Things slowly got better. My anxiety slowly went away (mostly), and I felt a lot better. I decided to move back home again, and take care of myself.I live at home now. I can't seem to keep any romantic relationships, because of the fear of abandonment (my dad abandoned me when I was young), and though my friendships have gotten a lot better, I still sometimes struggle with feelings of social inadequacy. I dont have very many friends. My libido is also pitifully small. I can go days if not weeks without any sexual release. I never went to school after high school, so I dont have any career or ideas. I'm working a shitty retail job, which more often than not, leaves me fuming with anger. I'm still on my antidepressants, but I still don't enjoy many things, can't cry, rarely feel joy, love is almost alien of an emotion for me to feel. I feel like everyone around me is coming into themselves, getting careers, falling in love, getting married and having kids, and im this loser who lives in his mom's basement without any drive, motivation or path for my future. A lot of people are telling me to just figure out what I love to do, and try and study in that field, but my depression has zapped anything I loved doing, and i'm also too scared to study, because im too scared to fail. Ive racked up some serious debt, and now, the thought of moving back out fills me with dread.My day to day life now involves going to work, where im constantly angry, coming home, trying to eat dinner, and then smoking weed. I smoke every night now, because when im high, I feel things again. Music exhilarates me. I get super horny, everything feels tons better, and my appetite comes roaring back.I dont know what to do. I feel like im going towards a path of working retail my whole life, which fills me with hopelessness.I don't know what to do anymore. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2UiEzOZ
Comments
Post a Comment