I conceived a miracle baby with the second man I have ever dated, on the night that I had decided I did not want to be with him or any other man.

Okay, so this is going to be long so I apologize in advance. Very generic, and vague TL;DR at the bottom. I have one best friend and I want to make sure my point is made clear and the story makes sense so this is going to be a very detailed much needed vent session.

I made a reddit account specifically for this post. I have been a silent lurker with no form of social media for almost a year now and realized this might be a good platform for me to just get this off my chest and possibly get some advice.

I have dated women all my life, never was interested in men, and always knew who and what I wanted out of a relationship. The first man, we will call him… Fabio, that I ever “dated” was my bestfriend of eight years, which is where my issue began. Our relationship was PERFECT in every aspect except for sexually, I am a very sexual person but sex with a man has never really done anything for me, but we did the deed, and I could suffice because I loved my bestfriend. The mistake I made was that I confused the fact that this dude knew me more than I knew myself, for what every good heterosexual relationship must be like. He was my freaking bestfriend, we knew eachother in and out, of course the relationship was “perfect” we basically just stayed besties with the benefit of being able to be romantic and do cute shit together. It wasn’t because he was a man. It wasn’t because I was with the wrong gender all these years. It was because this man is just like my right hand, that I can now hold hands with. UGH! Ultimately this also brought our relationship to an end because there were things that I was okay with him doing as a friend that I was not okay with him doing as a partner and neither of us were willing to compromise because “we met eachother this way”.

Anyway, I met the father of my miracle baby, my BabyDaddy, while still in the confusion of “maybe I should be with a man” mindset. He was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of Fabio. He was such a nice guy and he was so visibly in love with me. Everywhere we went everyone would tell me they loved the way he looked at me. It was so different to me, and I thought OHMYGOODNESS, maybe I am supposed to be with a man. As our relationship went on, I realized I WAS SOOOOO WRONG. I would find myself always lusting over women at stores, restaurants, at HIS JOB! I would “daydream” of taking a woman out to lunch and kissing their forehead. Oh it was getting bad! It didn’t help that I began to hate BD because he had no idea how to be an adult and he was raised as an entitled spoiled brat and I was always having to do things for him. He would accidentally call me Mom sometimes because that’s what our relationship became. Anyway, we eventually start sleeping apart and basically never talking. One day I decide I am done, I am leaving, I want to be with a woman, I never want to be with a man again, I mistook a relationship with a man who has known me forever as “This is just what it is to be with a man”. My sister however asks me to try one more time. Tell BD I am out the door unless things change and if there isn’t an immediate 180 then I am packing up and leaving. So I do, we have a deep serious talk that ends in the bedroom where we do the deed, which was so evidently forced on my end that after he even said “you didn’t have to do that”. Immediately after he fell asleep I knew it would never happen again and that I was done with this relationship, I was done faking it for a man.

NOW! I have been on high dose birthcontrol since I was like 16 because I have some health issues that cause hormonal imbalances. I was told since I was 16 it would be nearly impossible to have a child because of said health issues plus the birthcontrol I was taking. BUT MY MIRACLE BABY HAD OTHER PLANS! Six weeks after my last night with BD I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was over the moon. I didn’t care at all that I was gonna be a single mama I just fell in love with my little bean. I went through my pregnancy a single woman. Never worried about how my life as just a woman not a mom would be after baby was here. I didn’t care I just wanted my baby. Baby gets here and baby is perfect, BD slowly falls off by himself and keeps his distance after realizing he is unfit.

This is the kicker: Before people go crazy. This is about what I do and do not want to do with me and my daughter okay. I am not judging other women at all. This is what I feel comfortable with. This is where my issue is, this is where I don’t know what to do, this is where I am stuck and scared. As she gets older and I realize I am not just a mom but also a woman, I start thinking about romance and what I want for me and my baby.

I see so many news articles about little girls being hurt by “moms boyfriend” or “step-father”. I know not all men are the same and I am very much an advocate of that, but I would never trust any man alone with my daughter. I also know this happens with women, but statistically it is MUCH LESS likely. However I also feel like dating a woman would cause unnecessary confusion and difficulty for my daughter. I know my family would have something to say about it. They are amazing parents and we have come such a long way since I was younger but they were so “hopeful” for my relationship with BD because he was such a “good man”. I just don’t know what to do. I would totally be okay with it just being me and my miracle baby and a bunch of animals. But I am also a woman, a very romantic woman, I have my own needs and I want a little family, I want marriage, I want my miracle baby to have a little brother or sister (which is now possible for me because thanks to miracle baby I no longer have to have my cervix periodically shortened because giving birth reversed the progression of my cervical cancer). I feel like I would only be happy in all aspects with a woman (of course all relationships have their issues and are work), but may cause some issues with family and confusion for baby and me. But I do not want to be with a man, because I am never really happy and truly do just want to be with a woman and never would be able to leave my daughter alone with any man no matter how good they are… I just don’t know.

Thank you so much for allowing me to rant. Thank you so much for sticking this out with me.

TL;DR truly love women but don’t want to possibly make things harder for me or my daughter by dating a woman, but also cant date a man because I don’t think I can truly be happy with a man.

Okay, so this is going to be long so I apologize in advance. Very generic, and vague TL;DR at the bottom. I have one best friend and I want to make sure my point is made clear and the story makes sense so this is going to be a very detailed much needed vent session.I made a reddit account specifically for this post. I have been a silent lurker with no form of social media for almost a year now and realized this might be a good platform for me to just get this off my chest and possibly get some advice.I have dated women all my life, never was interested in men, and always knew who and what I wanted out of a relationship. The first man, we will call him… Fabio, that I ever “dated” was my bestfriend of eight years, which is where my issue began. Our relationship was PERFECT in every aspect except for sexually, I am a very sexual person but sex with a man has never really done anything for me, but we did the deed, and I could suffice because I loved my bestfriend. The mistake I made was that I confused the fact that this dude knew me more than I knew myself, for what every good heterosexual relationship must be like. He was my freaking bestfriend, we knew eachother in and out, of course the relationship was “perfect” we basically just stayed besties with the benefit of being able to be romantic and do cute shit together. It wasn’t because he was a man. It wasn’t because I was with the wrong gender all these years. It was because this man is just like my right hand, that I can now hold hands with. UGH! Ultimately this also brought our relationship to an end because there were things that I was okay with him doing as a friend that I was not okay with him doing as a partner and neither of us were willing to compromise because “we met eachother this way”.Anyway, I met the father of my miracle baby, my BabyDaddy, while still in the confusion of “maybe I should be with a man” mindset. He was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of Fabio. He was such a nice guy and he was so visibly in love with me. Everywhere we went everyone would tell me they loved the way he looked at me. It was so different to me, and I thought OHMYGOODNESS, maybe I am supposed to be with a man. As our relationship went on, I realized I WAS SOOOOO WRONG. I would find myself always lusting over women at stores, restaurants, at HIS JOB! I would “daydream” of taking a woman out to lunch and kissing their forehead. Oh it was getting bad! It didn’t help that I began to hate BD because he had no idea how to be an adult and he was raised as an entitled spoiled brat and I was always having to do things for him. He would accidentally call me Mom sometimes because that’s what our relationship became. Anyway, we eventually start sleeping apart and basically never talking. One day I decide I am done, I am leaving, I want to be with a woman, I never want to be with a man again, I mistook a relationship with a man who has known me forever as “This is just what it is to be with a man”. My sister however asks me to try one more time. Tell BD I am out the door unless things change and if there isn’t an immediate 180 then I am packing up and leaving. So I do, we have a deep serious talk that ends in the bedroom where we do the deed, which was so evidently forced on my end that after he even said “you didn’t have to do that”. Immediately after he fell asleep I knew it would never happen again and that I was done with this relationship, I was done faking it for a man.NOW! I have been on high dose birthcontrol since I was like 16 because I have some health issues that cause hormonal imbalances. I was told since I was 16 it would be nearly impossible to have a child because of said health issues plus the birthcontrol I was taking. BUT MY MIRACLE BABY HAD OTHER PLANS! Six weeks after my last night with BD I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was over the moon. I didn’t care at all that I was gonna be a single mama I just fell in love with my little bean. I went through my pregnancy a single woman. Never worried about how my life as just a woman not a mom would be after baby was here. I didn’t care I just wanted my baby. Baby gets here and baby is perfect, BD slowly falls off by himself and keeps his distance after realizing he is unfit.This is the kicker: Before people go crazy. This is about what I do and do not want to do with me and my daughter okay. I am not judging other women at all. This is what I feel comfortable with. This is where my issue is, this is where I don’t know what to do, this is where I am stuck and scared. As she gets older and I realize I am not just a mom but also a woman, I start thinking about romance and what I want for me and my baby.I see so many news articles about little girls being hurt by “moms boyfriend” or “step-father”. I know not all men are the same and I am very much an advocate of that, but I would never trust any man alone with my daughter. I also know this happens with women, but statistically it is MUCH LESS likely. However I also feel like dating a woman would cause unnecessary confusion and difficulty for my daughter. I know my family would have something to say about it. They are amazing parents and we have come such a long way since I was younger but they were so “hopeful” for my relationship with BD because he was such a “good man”. I just don’t know what to do. I would totally be okay with it just being me and my miracle baby and a bunch of animals. But I am also a woman, a very romantic woman, I have my own needs and I want a little family, I want marriage, I want my miracle baby to have a little brother or sister (which is now possible for me because thanks to miracle baby I no longer have to have my cervix periodically shortened because giving birth reversed the progression of my cervical cancer). I feel like I would only be happy in all aspects with a woman (of course all relationships have their issues and are work), but may cause some issues with family and confusion for baby and me. But I do not want to be with a man, because I am never really happy and truly do just want to be with a woman and never would be able to leave my daughter alone with any man no matter how good they are… I just don’t know.Thank you so much for allowing me to rant. Thank you so much for sticking this out with me.TL;DR truly love women but don’t want to possibly make things harder for me or my daughter by dating a woman, but also cant date a man because I don’t think I can truly be happy with a man. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2HNmToD