Try to help her relax, reducing anxiety is the first step.
In response to: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/btllq3/as_a_spouse_of_someone_w_contamination_ocd_is/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
The anxiety of thoughts promotes compulsions. Make sure you do it in a way she won't take as pitying or patronising. As this can make her feel worse, you have good intentions. And what ever you do Don't say "You just need to relax.." any form of this can be heard in a variation of belittling ways, tones etc. I advise you to take on little acts of kindness when you can. Such as dealing with the long technical support process or not having any food in the fridge, making her a delicious dinner her favourite or so something she's been dying to try, (I suggest this one brownie points for you too haha and foods good for the soul :) ) after a long day. Before she comes back from running errands, work,dinner with her friend, meeting, get home early one day etc.etc. It'll take the load off when she's already got lots on her mind and can help with anxiety. It's also incredibly sweet and shows her you love her.Surprises like this can make her heart drop, run to hug you for a deep much needed thank you hug and a heartfelt "I love you." No one wants to worry about a leaky tub after a long day with a flare of OCD. Just make sure you also try to have a good balance of normality too, you don't want to make her feel like a charity case or enable her. It's very delicate but we could all use a little help now and again regardless of our personal struggles and with them in mind.
I myself have OCD, a good portion of my life but became severe OCD that really came in flames after having instability in my living situation after very serious & odd events. I'm now getting better but it does take time. Before the situation I'm in now my OCD was in remission for years but doing these things and some others helped me dig myself out on my own without even having a support system.
It's very difficult, everyone is different, you have to try even when you don't want to. But remind her to be kind to herself and understand when and not to beat herself up when she need a metal health day and care. Also you need to make sure you take care of yourself mentally and all around too.
My OCD crept up on me and I hid it for the longest which inturn made everything worse. But not anywhere near the severity that came from my life altering events I'm in now. I know I'll get back to me. Right now what your wife,everyone with OCD and I need is time, determination, action, willingness, support, love and courage.
Self-care, self-love and a good support system with a good plan is critical. Excersice helps many because of the endorphins, remember that OCD can lead to depression (watch out for that, it almost always does) maybe seek out a physiological medical professional and therapist. (Therapy doesn't work for me but to at least get her formally diagnosed for some future treatments but to each their own) .
Routine is also very, very important and can be very beneficial. It provides structure and balance. Many people with mental illnesses and just in general see improvements with this studies have shown. Also find a way for her to wind down at the end of a day as part of a routine, so she can know even after a difficult day she has some refuge of calm at the end of it. I know you said you have a son that's 1.5 years old, this may be a bit tricky as he is still young and babies need round the clock care. Also being a mother can make her feel like she needs to be there regardless of the time (and also I know mother's who nurse can have erattic times or need to do so constantly through the day regardless or the night doesn't ease down ) if that's the case maybe switch to bottle feeding during her wind down so you can help do so.If she strongly insists, have her do so prior and adjust times accordingly. Whether you guys both work, your individual schedules, your schedule (I don't know if you work nights). I'm trying to think of the wind down in a you work a 9-5 variation and you come home to her after a long day with the baby. ( I know this can come off very unfemenist and not modern worldly, I'm just trying to think of a more simplised and typical scenario). If mornings are more hectic depending on your home, adjust accordingly. Make changes that are efficient, not just ideal so you stick to them and can implement them and see improvements.
I do find a more structured morning and night to be quite beneficial in its own ways and together. If the morning doesn't go as planned one day or are gonna be difficult for a few days make sure your nights are structured well (and vice versa). Mornings are a good way to start so she feels things start a productively (sometimes depression can make you lack in this department due to the fear and stress) like a beauty and self care routine. Make a smoothie,I used to like the routine of making an avocado toast (I've got a phenomenal recipe if ya need one) in the morning with music, surfing (this also helps me clear my head if you live close to the ocean) acai or chia bowl, morning run, etc.
Routine doesn't need to be stick hard but a guide. Maybe just focus more emphasis on the end of day since you do have a child and that's maybe the most ideal time in general for most people. It's also the end when all the stressors of the day have made its effects and settles in the mind. OCD, depression,mental illnesses in general do usually have the symptom of insomnia. As the thoughts of OCD don't stop and cause your mind to keep you anxious, overwhelmed and up (even when exhausted). It can help settle the mind and help her relax and stop worrying, and the an anxiety jitters. My partner rubs my back before bed because I do have problems sleeping just a suggestion if insomnia ever arises. It has shown to help. People with mental illnesses also need more sleep than someone who does not, so keep this in mind. Some type of "wind down" relaxation, self care is really important for OCD sufferers,people with mental illness and people in general. Promoting lower anxiety, many benefits that help reduce the OCD or make it curl into remission.
OCD is a chronic life long illness. Some claim to have fought it off entirely though. Even if it goes into remission, stress and life can trigger it from being dormant. You never know really know if it's gone (even if it feels like it) so be aware of this. Unfortunately we don't actually knows what causes it yet or have a real "cure". The science varies if it's genetic, environmental, trauma, hormonal (like your wife's pregnancy) if we can all have it but it's whether we ever get triggered or not. "Chicken or the egg" ( They're are many articles you can research, some claim this, that but no one knows definitively. However you can manage it and or possibly make it almost nonexistent.
Anyway, say at the end of the day according to her routine, she needs to be winding down and working on self-care & relaxing. You can take care of the baby and give her time to herself, to just be in peace. Doing something calming she enjoys, her favourite show, art, reading, etc. Also make sure part of her wind down she has a self-care implementation. I highly, highly recommend (if you take anything out of this) a journal. Something she can write her thoughts in at the end and beginning of day. Most importantly leave them there, realistically they won't all stay there but it does have "that" effect. I'll explain, I do this when I'm in bed right, before I sleep and it's how I start my morning. I know not everyone can get into this right away. Or be the opposite and stick to this like glue, as in completely feel weight lifted off right of the bat. This is a great routine, self-love and care activity. Just give it a few tries,and remind her to not stress about doing it strictly but do encourage it when you guys wake up and before bed. Or whenever you see her struggling and when she feels she needs it. It provides privacy to be able to unload the sometimes very heavy embarassment and shame. Talking to you I'm sure helps and you both seem very open about this which is good because it's good to know where she and you both stand, if not it's good to do this. Allow her time to open up and with OCD you can feel ashamed and there's a possibility of this changing if she feels she is getting worse and doesn't want to worry you. You want her to be open with you and herself. Not ignore her thoughts and emotions. Finding positive outlets is key. A journal just allows maybe that bit more of intimacy and maybe help with those times where she just feels so shameful or bad she doesn't want to talk. At least she's not bottling it up.
Journaling has been proven to have so many truly rewarding benefits. You can google it beforehand, maybe surprise her with one and get her a nice pen you picked out with some heavyness to symbolise the control she has in her life. (I suggest Etsy for both or Barnes and Noble if you don't want to wait for shipping or risk her finding the package upon arrival in the house or card transaction. To not ruin the surprise) Journals are all about personalisation, self-love, self-care, self-reliazation, self-awareness. When you're self-aware, you're checking in with yourself and can promote self-reliazation. Recognising patterns of when you're reaching your limit. It's quite tranquilizing. At times for me it becomes a zone because you have so many thoughts and the emotion hits and you can get it all out bam! Then feeling euphoric release of suppression and I feel all "after-sex smiles". It also helps notice triggers of her OCD and help her work through it seeing that she can find out the correlation and root of when her anxiety spikes. I'm not too versed on the hormonal rise of imbalance stemming from pregnancy affects OCD but I would do research and see how that plays its part.
Also another thing to mention is with OCD since it is a "little devil" living in your head kinda thing it can cause personality changes. Journaling can help distinguish when she is taking on OCD's personality traits. Such as needing to be in control, manipulation (to follow the OCD's "rules", perfectionism, solidarity, indecisiveness, etc. Keeping a journal can help notice when her behaviour becomes out of character, not the woman you know and love. Help snap her out of it with a sweet, understanding,sensetive to her emotions heart to heart. It's a way to show her you care and let her know she letting the OCD have too much control. Reassure her it's not her, it's the OCD.
Always, always, always. Always. Remember that when she takes on OCD's characteristics or whenever it has a hold on her, to refer to it as OCD (or something that refers it is OCD) not her. I've used many metaphoric phrases and type words but they do help me remember. I am not my OCD. I have OCD but it is only a part of me,it's not me. It is a mental illness, I did not ask for it, nor is it my fault ever. I can work on controlling it and retaking control of my life.
You need to make a habit of this as early on as possible as this can cause her to be distraught. Whether one day you're past your limit and you accidentally make a bad judgement and blame her for her illness, which will only push her away from you. Pull her back in and remind her it's not her it's the OCD, if she tries to say she hated herself or is frustrated in the situation. Accidents will happen but this can prevent them. Not let this thinking, or misuse or words, cause further damage mentally, and for her self-love for herself. Addressing this also doesn't give the OCD that fuel. To not give it more power over her.
OCD has high guilt intensidy. This can lead to a thinking and need of unreasonably high responsibility. To feel incredibly responsible for the ones they love. For the OCD on her end, I'm sure that could possibly be a part of why she feels the need to have you wash your hands.
I know this a lot of info but these were just the ways I feel would allow you to help her. Whilst staying responsible, being careful, loving, efficient and sensetive to her OCD. I just felt such a responsibility (not in an OCD way) just me as a person, to help you help her. It really hit my heart that you even reached out. I didn't have the level of support and love you're giving her when I was first struggling. Partly my fault I hid it, but after not the best approaches to put it politely. I just really admire and respect that you're such a loyal and loving partner. Always feel free to message me, I promise I'll keep it reasonable, not to this Harry Potter Novel length. I just wanted to help you set up because these are so important to her management and I don't want her or you to suffer OCD's pain it inflicts. Anyway, yeah I hope this helps your help her and sending cheeky, self-love, darling vibes :)
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