I just wanted to share my story of how I decided I never wanted to be a mother. It's a long one, but it has juicy bits.
I almost got trapped in a toxic and abusive relationship with a guy that I started dating when I was about 16. I finally broke away from him when I turned 21 and realized what a massive mistake my life would have been if I'd of stayed with him.
So a little back story: I was a very depressed and suicidal teenager, up until I turned 20 or so. Mostly because of an unstable home setting mixed with a hormonal imbalance brought on with my period every single month. Severe pain every month followed up with suicidal tendencies until I finally got on birth control at 18-19. (My mom wouldn't let me get on it as a teen because she was convinced I would have sex if I took birth control) Backwards logic, I know.
I'm way older now and my mental health is pretty solid.
I had super low self-esteem and latched onto (I'll call him Carson) as soon as he showed he was interested in me. He was 19 and about to graduate high school.
Honestly the age difference should have been a huge indicator that I should have left him alone but he was cool in my eyes.
We had been dating for about 9 months when I started hearing rumors about him cheating on me with his ex. He denied it and started acting nicer towards me. A few weeks prior to that, he became really distant from me and I thought he was going to break up with me. He later admitted to me that he was going to break up with me, but then he realized he was SO in love with me after he cheated on me and thought about never seeing me again.
I forgave him and acted like nothing happened. Fast forward to me freshly turning 18. He is in another state for college and I move in with him. He always kept a journal that he was really secretive about. He would get angry at me for wanting to read it which obviously made me want to know what he wrote. (When I was 17, he spat in my face because I picked it up. Yes. Spat in my face. I didn't break up with him then and there or punch him in the face because I was emotionally groomed to be abuse by that point.)
One day he left it out in the open and was going to be gone for a few hours. I picked it up and read it. It was eye opening for me, but I still didn't break up with him.
He wrote that he wanted to break up with me because I was "moronic" and I was "incapable of uttering a single intelligent word." He thought I was the stupidest person he had ever spoken to. That was about a year in. He stated that he wanted to break up with me, but hadn't for some reason.
Pages went on stating that he had cheated on me several times with various women. There was an older woman in the town we were in that he wanted to hook up with. A fight ensued when he got back and he told me he didn't feel that way anymore and they were past thoughts.
A few weeks later, my only friend came to the state with her dad and surprised me. She wanted me to go with them for the weekend on a boat and watch the river creatures. He told me I wasn't allowed to go and that he wouldn't talk to me for a month if I disobeyed him. So naturally my friend made me go and I would just deal with it when I got back. (She hated him.)
Two days later, I was back at the house. He was waiting there and said nothing to me when I came in. He even locked the bolt lock out of spite because it was hard to open.
I took a nap and woke up to sharp pains in my abdomen. I thought it was just my period since it was usually really painful anyways. An hour later, I had a miscarriage. Blood everywhere, a half developed fetus with an arm just there existing. I had no clue that I had been pregnant(I was on birth control) and I was disturbed about what I was looking at. I went out to where he was to tell him what just happened.
He looked up from his lap top, looked at me, shrugged, and looked back at his screen. He didn't say a word to me and I shut down. I cried alone and I had no idea how to react. I texted his mom and asked her what I should do. She called me a few days later and asked me if it was his baby.
By the time I was 20, he had cheated on me several more times. Openly, and in our bed with some of the women.
The years were filled with mind games, verbal abuse, mental abuse, manipulation, and so much degrading behaviors towards me. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends, he gave me time limits for how long I could spend with my family. I wasn't allowed to do anything without his approval but he was a free man.
By 21, he asked me to marry him and told me he wanted us to have at least 5 kids. But he would like for us to have more because he wanted a huge family.
I laughed. I looked him in the eyes and just laughed.
He was offended and confused by my response and couldn't understand why I wouldn't be his wife. I told him that I was going to leave him one day soon and that would be that. He didn't believe me until the day I left.
Dating him made me realize that sharing DNA with someone creates a lasting relationship with someone forever. You can't just up and leave when everything falls apart if you are trapped spawning their offspring.
I've spent too much of my life being controlled by others that I just want to do what is best for me and that involves never having children, never being tied to someone in such a permanent way, and never being that weak again.
I just wanted to share my story of how I decided I never wanted to be a mother. It's a long one, but it has juicy bits.I almost got trapped in a toxic and abusive relationship with a guy that I started dating when I was about 16. I finally broke away from him when I turned 21 and realized what a massive mistake my life would have been if I'd of stayed with him.So a little back story: I was a very depressed and suicidal teenager, up until I turned 20 or so. Mostly because of an unstable home setting mixed with a hormonal imbalance brought on with my period every single month. Severe pain every month followed up with suicidal tendencies until I finally got on birth control at 18-19. (My mom wouldn't let me get on it as a teen because she was convinced I would have sex if I took birth control) Backwards logic, I know.I'm way older now and my mental health is pretty solid.I had super low self-esteem and latched onto (I'll call him Carson) as soon as he showed he was interested in me. He was 19 and about to graduate high school.Honestly the age difference should have been a huge indicator that I should have left him alone but he was cool in my eyes.We had been dating for about 9 months when I started hearing rumors about him cheating on me with his ex. He denied it and started acting nicer towards me. A few weeks prior to that, he became really distant from me and I thought he was going to break up with me. He later admitted to me that he was going to break up with me, but then he realized he was SO in love with me after he cheated on me and thought about never seeing me again.I forgave him and acted like nothing happened. Fast forward to me freshly turning 18. He is in another state for college and I move in with him. He always kept a journal that he was really secretive about. He would get angry at me for wanting to read it which obviously made me want to know what he wrote. (When I was 17, he spat in my face because I picked it up. Yes. Spat in my face. I didn't break up with him then and there or punch him in the face because I was emotionally groomed to be abuse by that point.)One day he left it out in the open and was going to be gone for a few hours. I picked it up and read it. It was eye opening for me, but I still didn't break up with him.He wrote that he wanted to break up with me because I was "moronic" and I was "incapable of uttering a single intelligent word." He thought I was the stupidest person he had ever spoken to. That was about a year in. He stated that he wanted to break up with me, but hadn't for some reason.Pages went on stating that he had cheated on me several times with various women. There was an older woman in the town we were in that he wanted to hook up with. A fight ensued when he got back and he told me he didn't feel that way anymore and they were past thoughts.A few weeks later, my only friend came to the state with her dad and surprised me. She wanted me to go with them for the weekend on a boat and watch the river creatures. He told me I wasn't allowed to go and that he wouldn't talk to me for a month if I disobeyed him. So naturally my friend made me go and I would just deal with it when I got back. (She hated him.)Two days later, I was back at the house. He was waiting there and said nothing to me when I came in. He even locked the bolt lock out of spite because it was hard to open.I took a nap and woke up to sharp pains in my abdomen. I thought it was just my period since it was usually really painful anyways. An hour later, I had a miscarriage. Blood everywhere, a half developed fetus with an arm just there existing. I had no clue that I had been pregnant(I was on birth control) and I was disturbed about what I was looking at. I went out to where he was to tell him what just happened.He looked up from his lap top, looked at me, shrugged, and looked back at his screen. He didn't say a word to me and I shut down. I cried alone and I had no idea how to react. I texted his mom and asked her what I should do. She called me a few days later and asked me if it was his baby.By the time I was 20, he had cheated on me several more times. Openly, and in our bed with some of the women.The years were filled with mind games, verbal abuse, mental abuse, manipulation, and so much degrading behaviors towards me. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends, he gave me time limits for how long I could spend with my family. I wasn't allowed to do anything without his approval but he was a free man.By 21, he asked me to marry him and told me he wanted us to have at least 5 kids. But he would like for us to have more because he wanted a huge family.I laughed. I looked him in the eyes and just laughed.He was offended and confused by my response and couldn't understand why I wouldn't be his wife. I told him that I was going to leave him one day soon and that would be that. He didn't believe me until the day I left.Dating him made me realize that sharing DNA with someone creates a lasting relationship with someone forever. You can't just up and leave when everything falls apart if you are trapped spawning their offspring.I've spent too much of my life being controlled by others that I just want to do what is best for me and that involves never having children, never being tied to someone in such a permanent way, and never being that weak again. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J http://bit.ly/2ED6ikt
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