This is going to be a long one but I don't know where to turn to. I have an extremely conflicting relationship with my parents. Everyone I've confided in thinks they're abusive, and in truth they are, I think. My best friend really wants to call CPS but each time she threatens to I freak out because I don't want to leave my family. So basically, I'm a sixteen year old girl. I live with my mother and my stepdad, my real dad abandoned me before I was born, that's left me with some issues but not as much as the other two have. To start from the beginning of when everything really started, my grandmother was dying and wanted to be in her home when she passed. My mom quit her job and moved herself, my grandmother my sister and I out to the middle of nowhere where her house was. We went to school online, so it didn't matter that we weren't in a area with school, so we never really left the house, which I genuinely don't blame anyone for even if it kind of started everything. We became very poor since the lack of jobs out here, and then my mom's long distant boyfriend came to live with us and became my self proclaimed dad. I didn't really fight it but it soon turned into hell. I was the typical kid who lied about stupid stuff that they thought they'd get in trouble ( at this point I was around 9-10 ). I'd get in trouble for lying as normal, but my dad would take his punishments way too far. When I was younger he'd show me scary movies like the exorcist and told me if I kept lying I would be possessed, we were somewhat religious at the time so I took it very seriously and for the longest time would cry my eyes out at night because I was terrified that I'd be possessed. There were a lot of incidents of little things I did setting him off and most of my memories from the years from 9-13 consist of me being cornered by my mom and dad screaming at me and telling me how no one would want to be my friend if I kept acting the way I did, no one would ever love me if I was fat (I've had on and off problems with my weight due to health and an unhealthy relationship with food), that if I didn't do well in school all I'd amount to is flipping burgers at mcdonalds. He said these things hypothetically, but each time (which was about every other day) I wouldn't take it as hypothetical, I would take it as that is what I am. That started off my low self esteem that still is horrible to this day. When I was around 12, I discovered self harming through a church flier a missionary gave us that had things about how to handle when a teenager self harms and what to do, and why they do it. I remember a few times sitting in my closet depressed and just reading it. I then saw cutting multiple other times, like when my friends online who were depressed as well would confide in me. They never glorified it, never made it out to be a good thing. It was a bad thing that would destroy your life, but I eventually started doing it myself and haven't been able to stop since. It helps me cope with my life, how isolated I am and how dissatisfied with myself I am. It's something that keeps me from trying to kill myself sometimes, because it brings me back to reality and makes me feel more in control. IT IS NOT A GOOD THING, AT ALL. it's a terrible thing that's almost like drugs, I've become addicted to the hormones it releases when I'm in a panic attack and that IS NOT GOOD. I bring this up though because this is where my parents possible (?) neglect comes in. My mother saw my scars one day and took me on a drive. She was angry at me and started telling me how much I'm hurting HER. How selfish I was being. She thought she was making me stop, but it made me want to do it more than ever. It drove me almost to suicide when I was 14, but gladly I didn't go through with it. But the point is, she knew about my self harming but did nothing about it. Fast forward to know, I have a lot of mental and medical problems that are being put on the back burner. My sister is out of my house, and my grandmother who was the only one who stood up for me is long gone. I have been begging for months on end to be able to see a therapist, I have severe depression and anxiety, especially social anxiety. My self esteem has been run to the ground. It's possible I have a hormonal imbalance causing these things, causing me to gain weight which makes me hate myself even more because of how much I feel no one will ever love me because of what I was told as a child. It's always about my mom now. Sometimes it feels all she cares about is herself. She even tells me how I should be taking care of her because she's old (she had me when she was nearing 40). I've been BEGGING for mental help, for physical help. Sometimes I think I'm not going to make it to 18 because the thought of killing myself persists in my mind telling me that it would be easier if i was dead and had a fresh slate for my life. I resist it, but it's still there and my best friend (who i met online, and is 20 and been through abuse) thinks that if I don't do anything about my life that I won't make it to 18. Are my parents abusive though? I tried my best to give an unbiased account of my life, but it evokes so much in me it's hard to tell it without sounding like I'm putting my own emotions into it. Sometimes I feel like I'm being dramatic, my parents used to and still call me a drama queen. I just don't want to be the one who says "You're abusive!" if they're not actually abusive and it's all in my head. If they knew I wanted to die they'd be so mad at me, once I said I wish I wasn't born and was ignored for days on end because "If I don't want to be born, I should be treated like I wasn't." But it's like, they used to show me videos and pictures of children in cages and tell me how I should be glad I don't have it like that. It's just hard because of all these conflicting emotions, I don't want to just leave my parents and call cps because what if i'm just being dramatic??? what is i'm just too sensitive??? i just don't understand and i feel like i'm a crazy person and i try to keep it in because i don't want to wear out my best friend but it's like i have nowhere to go and even as I'm writing this i wonder if i should just die because of how I am.
Also a note, they've never been outwardly physical with me. My mom slapped me a few times and pounded a wall next to my face pretending it was me to the point where it broke and once my step dad smothered me in dirty laundry when I made a comment that pissed him off when I was around 11, and he once didn't like that I was slouching doing school so he took me from my chair and forced my shoulders back onto a wall but other than those handful of times which I'm not even sure should be considered physical they haven't outwardly punched or kicked me or attacked me with anything, so that also contributes to how I don't really know if I've had endured abuse or not.
I'm really sorry this was so long, I doubt if anyone will reply or even see it since I'm fairly new to reddit, but thank you to anyone who did read it. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, to vent? Or maybe advice? Or just to feel validated that it's not all just in my head? Either way, just thank you. I also apologize if this wasn't a good subreddit to post this to, like I said fairly new to it in a general sense.
This is going to be a long one but I don't know where to turn to. I have an extremely conflicting relationship with my parents. Everyone I've confided in thinks they're abusive, and in truth they are, I think. My best friend really wants to call CPS but each time she threatens to I freak out because I don't want to leave my family. So basically, I'm a sixteen year old girl. I live with my mother and my stepdad, my real dad abandoned me before I was born, that's left me with some issues but not as much as the other two have. To start from the beginning of when everything really started, my grandmother was dying and wanted to be in her home when she passed. My mom quit her job and moved herself, my grandmother my sister and I out to the middle of nowhere where her house was. We went to school online, so it didn't matter that we weren't in a area with school, so we never really left the house, which I genuinely don't blame anyone for even if it kind of started everything. We became very poor since the lack of jobs out here, and then my mom's long distant boyfriend came to live with us and became my self proclaimed dad. I didn't really fight it but it soon turned into hell. I was the typical kid who lied about stupid stuff that they thought they'd get in trouble ( at this point I was around 9-10 ). I'd get in trouble for lying as normal, but my dad would take his punishments way too far. When I was younger he'd show me scary movies like the exorcist and told me if I kept lying I would be possessed, we were somewhat religious at the time so I took it very seriously and for the longest time would cry my eyes out at night because I was terrified that I'd be possessed. There were a lot of incidents of little things I did setting him off and most of my memories from the years from 9-13 consist of me being cornered by my mom and dad screaming at me and telling me how no one would want to be my friend if I kept acting the way I did, no one would ever love me if I was fat (I've had on and off problems with my weight due to health and an unhealthy relationship with food), that if I didn't do well in school all I'd amount to is flipping burgers at mcdonalds. He said these things hypothetically, but each time (which was about every other day) I wouldn't take it as hypothetical, I would take it as that is what I am. That started off my low self esteem that still is horrible to this day. When I was around 12, I discovered self harming through a church flier a missionary gave us that had things about how to handle when a teenager self harms and what to do, and why they do it. I remember a few times sitting in my closet depressed and just reading it. I then saw cutting multiple other times, like when my friends online who were depressed as well would confide in me. They never glorified it, never made it out to be a good thing. It was a bad thing that would destroy your life, but I eventually started doing it myself and haven't been able to stop since. It helps me cope with my life, how isolated I am and how dissatisfied with myself I am. It's something that keeps me from trying to kill myself sometimes, because it brings me back to reality and makes me feel more in control. IT IS NOT A GOOD THING, AT ALL. it's a terrible thing that's almost like drugs, I've become addicted to the hormones it releases when I'm in a panic attack and that IS NOT GOOD. I bring this up though because this is where my parents possible (?) neglect comes in. My mother saw my scars one day and took me on a drive. She was angry at me and started telling me how much I'm hurting HER. How selfish I was being. She thought she was making me stop, but it made me want to do it more than ever. It drove me almost to suicide when I was 14, but gladly I didn't go through with it. But the point is, she knew about my self harming but did nothing about it. Fast forward to know, I have a lot of mental and medical problems that are being put on the back burner. My sister is out of my house, and my grandmother who was the only one who stood up for me is long gone. I have been begging for months on end to be able to see a therapist, I have severe depression and anxiety, especially social anxiety. My self esteem has been run to the ground. It's possible I have a hormonal imbalance causing these things, causing me to gain weight which makes me hate myself even more because of how much I feel no one will ever love me because of what I was told as a child. It's always about my mom now. Sometimes it feels all she cares about is herself. She even tells me how I should be taking care of her because she's old (she had me when she was nearing 40). I've been BEGGING for mental help, for physical help. Sometimes I think I'm not going to make it to 18 because the thought of killing myself persists in my mind telling me that it would be easier if i was dead and had a fresh slate for my life. I resist it, but it's still there and my best friend (who i met online, and is 20 and been through abuse) thinks that if I don't do anything about my life that I won't make it to 18. Are my parents abusive though? I tried my best to give an unbiased account of my life, but it evokes so much in me it's hard to tell it without sounding like I'm putting my own emotions into it. Sometimes I feel like I'm being dramatic, my parents used to and still call me a drama queen. I just don't want to be the one who says "You're abusive!" if they're not actually abusive and it's all in my head. If they knew I wanted to die they'd be so mad at me, once I said I wish I wasn't born and was ignored for days on end because "If I don't want to be born, I should be treated like I wasn't." But it's like, they used to show me videos and pictures of children in cages and tell me how I should be glad I don't have it like that. It's just hard because of all these conflicting emotions, I don't want to just leave my parents and call cps because what if i'm just being dramatic??? what is i'm just too sensitive??? i just don't understand and i feel like i'm a crazy person and i try to keep it in because i don't want to wear out my best friend but it's like i have nowhere to go and even as I'm writing this i wonder if i should just die because of how I am.Also a note, they've never been outwardly physical with me. My mom slapped me a few times and pounded a wall next to my face pretending it was me to the point where it broke and once my step dad smothered me in dirty laundry when I made a comment that pissed him off when I was around 11, and he once didn't like that I was slouching doing school so he took me from my chair and forced my shoulders back onto a wall but other than those handful of times which I'm not even sure should be considered physical they haven't outwardly punched or kicked me or attacked me with anything, so that also contributes to how I don't really know if I've had endured abuse or not.I'm really sorry this was so long, I doubt if anyone will reply or even see it since I'm fairly new to reddit, but thank you to anyone who did read it. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, to vent? Or maybe advice? Or just to feel validated that it's not all just in my head? Either way, just thank you. I also apologize if this wasn't a good subreddit to post this to, like I said fairly new to it in a general sense. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2Xz47cc
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