I (29F) am questioning my sanity in my relationship with HIM (37M) or 2 years / 99 problems but am i one?

CHAPTER I

Two years ago i made the bold and sudden choice to move to another country. The reasons?

There was nothing left for me to learn and experience where i previously lived for 14 years, i was unhappy in the last 6 months and drowning in alcohol. So i thought starting from square one, abroad, was a great idea to get some excitement back into my life, especially since i've lost my job and my flat on the same day. There was also this guy abroad, let's call him Jerry, that i got emotionally attached to and interested in, this interest came after 4 years of no sparks or relationships whatsoever. Meeting someone that i find interesting happens quite rare, i'm not a big fan of making and keeping connections, nor do people impress me enough to want to keep in touch with them. So when i do meet someone exciting i get carried away, a bit head over heels.

And so it happened that i packed everything, put it into storage, got a one way flight, a backpack and left towards the unknown with about 1600 euro left on my card in one of Europe's mojor cities.

My plan was to stay at my friends for a few months, get a job, and when i get my shit together get a place of my own. Jerry insisted that i should stay with him. The flat was nice, there was more room and overall we were getting along exceptionally well. I really enjoyed spending time with him, so i gave it a go. it was a package of good fun times, wrapped in a bow of discovery and wonder. But as good as things were going between me and him, i soon discovered i hated that city, it was too much for me, too tiring, too superficial, time consuming and demanding. It was the worst display of capitalism. So i was having doubts about living there, wasn't too motivated to look for jobs anymore, i was questioning my decision and my expectations.

Jerry got kicked out of his flat, the landlord was selling it. He decided to move to the countryside in a small town. Since the city was something i hated at the moment but i loved Jerry i decided to move with him. The place was fantastic, surouded by nature and forests, our flat even had sea views. Heaven on earth!

CHAPTER II

Here's where hell on earth started.

We were meant to stay there for a while, not long, just enough time to disconnect from the city, gatherer out thoughts a bit and figure out where the perfect place to live would be for us both.

The place was so small jobs were as rare as unicorns, but luckily i had a few freelance projects at 1st. After a while being disconnected with the modern world and unable to make new work connections and get new projects, i ended up having no income for long periods of time. Every now and then, i was traveling with work. So i would have a bit of money but not enough to pay monthly rent and bills. If anyone is wondering, i'm a graphic designer and a dj in the same time, quite a cliche, huh?

Jerry was traveling quite a lot with work as well, sometimes for 2 days, others for a few weeks or a month. He soon found himself in the position of having to pay all the rent and all the bills.

He was away for a month in the Amazon jungle, he came back from there changed in some ways. That's when we stopped having an intimate life, sex and everithing that sorrounds it, but affection, jokes and fun were still a part of daily life.

With him being away quite a lot and no work coming my way i started feeling alone, i was yearning for some people around, friends, family. The costs for travelling from or towards our small town were too big so nobody came to visit and i didn't go see them. Just to be clear there were no people my age around either, it was a town of old people that go there to die.

I soon started to feel depressed, with no self esteem, no personal satisfaction no motivation. I thought to myself, it's time to move, i can no longer live here, everything will go downhill if i don't make a move soon. Had a talk with Jerry, he agreed but at that moment there was no money to enable un to move. So we have to wait a little bit, i thought, get some money behind us and get out of there. 

A year past since that 1st discussion about moving, no work on my side, he was away with work, no sex, no social life, still no money to move, nothing changed apart from my mental health. I was getting more and more depressed to the point of loosing my joy of life and having suicidal thoughts. I started having health issues as well, a hormonal imbalance and got prescribed hormonal pills that made me half crazy and more suicidal. I dicided to go home for a while, to get a new perspective and i did. As shit as it was abroad, home was worst. Same old boring home, where nothing happens anyway. Same old sorry ass people with no goals in life, and loads of hate towards their peers.

Came back with new energy from that trip and motivated myself to have healthier habits and get out of my sorry ass mental situation. Did not succeed for long.

We started arguing quite a lot over the same issues, moving and our non existent sex life. I was convinced my hormonal issues have to do with the fact that i'm sexually inactive, i was blaming that on him. On the other hand i could not blame him, because he was nice and kind and was trying to do what he can in our best interest. And overall can you blame someone for not feeling that sexual towords you when once or twice a week we had an arguing match.

CHAPTER III

Moving and what a shit summer this has been.

We got kicked out of the flat, landlord was selling. Hazzah, never been so happy to get kicked out of somewhere. But wait, we had no money put asside for moving because we never managed to do that after all. So for the next 3 months we struggled staying here and there, living out of boxes and bags, in other words we were homeless and looking for houses that we couldn't afford. I fell ill for a month and a half, it's what i call a disease chain. You get a cold, and then you get an allergy, and then you get an infection and then you end up in an ambulance for the 1st time and in the hospital etc.

While trying to half push through to find a house and half in bed ill with shitloads of pills around me, from antibiotics to codeine i felt like disconnecting myself from everyone, didn't reply on social media, to emails, didn't answer to phone calls. I didn't even want to go out to the store and get food cause i didn't want to talk to people or have people look at me. 

We found a house, we're moving in soon but i feel like nothing matters anymore. I feel like the world is shit and there is nothing worth investing in or fighting for. I still don't want to talk to anyone i know. I get very stressed when i receive a text message. I tried to pull my self out of it and think, oh hey, it's my birthday soon, maybe i can force myself to get excited about that, maybe we'll go on a that trip and try to put all the past behind and start fresh in a new house in a new city. I can no longer get excited by anything by the way. I've been in a lot of places to DJ last year but i'm just sick to travel alone, it's so draining.

As i was saying, Jerry travels quite a lot, now his in the US, then he's in Australia, Indonesia, Paris, Japan, Berlin etc. There were many moments in these 2 years when we planned to go in some of these places together, but getting close to the date we realised we don't have the resources. This time we made plans to go to Mexico for my birthday, but again, there will be no trip, on my birthday the internet guys will come to set up the internet, and around my birthday i have to set up the house while Jerry will be away with work. Why? Beacuse Jerry fucked up with dates and called the removal and the internet guys too late and yep no cash again!

BOTTOMLINE

I understand he's trying to do he's best and on his side it's been rough as well. He's been trying to keep us afloat financially and he managed. It must really be frustrating to see the in and out money flow and overall it's a lot of pressure to be responsible for someone else and with all your efforts that someone is constantly unhappy. Therefore most probably no sexual atraction or libido on his side.

What i can't understand is why we didn't move after 6 months as we planned. That would've leveled things out financially with me working, no pressure on him and no lack of self esteem on me, no isolation, most probably no chronic depression or sexuality loss and overall a healthy relationship. Right? If you would see what your partner going through that wouldn't you push the button ASAP? What annoys me is that we moved with no money after all so we could've done that anythime. Only recently i found out that he regrets moving from that small country side town to the city. He liked it there and he wouldn't of moved if it wasn't for me.

I'm writing this from his mom's kitchen looking at the clock ticking. I feel conflicted, i'm not sure about myself or anything else anymore, Am i going crazy?

Am I acting like a spoiled princess wanting to travel with him at least for my birthday? am i delusional thinking that when someone is away quite loads they should try to pay more attention to your needs when they're present? Am i asking too much?

Is it normal to get upset when someone says let's go to Australia but close to the date they slam you with a "not possible anymore" and that happens over and over and over again? Am i ungrateful?

Yes i know, 1st world problems, but it's not when it's your life, is it. Am i abnormal?

If you made it through this text, THANK YOU! It would really help to see other points of view on this, get a bit of clarity, try to fix my thinking if needed or end the relationship and fly solo. Really questioning my sanity at this point.

---

**TL;DR;** : I made some stupid choices, ended up in an isolated small town disconnected from everything and everyone with chronic depression and wondering if i'm insane.

CHAPTER ITwo years ago i made the bold and sudden choice to move to another country. The reasons?There was nothing left for me to learn and experience where i previously lived for 14 years, i was unhappy in the last 6 months and drowning in alcohol. So i thought starting from square one, abroad, was a great idea to get some excitement back into my life, especially since i've lost my job and my flat on the same day. There was also this guy abroad, let's call him Jerry, that i got emotionally attached to and interested in, this interest came after 4 years of no sparks or relationships whatsoever. Meeting someone that i find interesting happens quite rare, i'm not a big fan of making and keeping connections, nor do people impress me enough to want to keep in touch with them. So when i do meet someone exciting i get carried away, a bit head over heels.And so it happened that i packed everything, put it into storage, got a one way flight, a backpack and left towards the unknown with about 1600 euro left on my card in one of Europe's mojor cities.My plan was to stay at my friends for a few months, get a job, and when i get my shit together get a place of my own. Jerry insisted that i should stay with him. The flat was nice, there was more room and overall we were getting along exceptionally well. I really enjoyed spending time with him, so i gave it a go. it was a package of good fun times, wrapped in a bow of discovery and wonder. But as good as things were going between me and him, i soon discovered i hated that city, it was too much for me, too tiring, too superficial, time consuming and demanding. It was the worst display of capitalism. So i was having doubts about living there, wasn't too motivated to look for jobs anymore, i was questioning my decision and my expectations.Jerry got kicked out of his flat, the landlord was selling it. He decided to move to the countryside in a small town. Since the city was something i hated at the moment but i loved Jerry i decided to move with him. The place was fantastic, surouded by nature and forests, our flat even had sea views. Heaven on earth!CHAPTER IIHere's where hell on earth started.We were meant to stay there for a while, not long, just enough time to disconnect from the city, gatherer out thoughts a bit and figure out where the perfect place to live would be for us both.The place was so small jobs were as rare as unicorns, but luckily i had a few freelance projects at 1st. After a while being disconnected with the modern world and unable to make new work connections and get new projects, i ended up having no income for long periods of time. Every now and then, i was traveling with work. So i would have a bit of money but not enough to pay monthly rent and bills. If anyone is wondering, i'm a graphic designer and a dj in the same time, quite a cliche, huh?Jerry was traveling quite a lot with work as well, sometimes for 2 days, others for a few weeks or a month. He soon found himself in the position of having to pay all the rent and all the bills.He was away for a month in the Amazon jungle, he came back from there changed in some ways. That's when we stopped having an intimate life, sex and everithing that sorrounds it, but affection, jokes and fun were still a part of daily life.With him being away quite a lot and no work coming my way i started feeling alone, i was yearning for some people around, friends, family. The costs for travelling from or towards our small town were too big so nobody came to visit and i didn't go see them. Just to be clear there were no people my age around either, it was a town of old people that go there to die.I soon started to feel depressed, with no self esteem, no personal satisfaction no motivation. I thought to myself, it's time to move, i can no longer live here, everything will go downhill if i don't make a move soon. Had a talk with Jerry, he agreed but at that moment there was no money to enable un to move. So we have to wait a little bit, i thought, get some money behind us and get out of there. A year past since that 1st discussion about moving, no work on my side, he was away with work, no sex, no social life, still no money to move, nothing changed apart from my mental health. I was getting more and more depressed to the point of loosing my joy of life and having suicidal thoughts. I started having health issues as well, a hormonal imbalance and got prescribed hormonal pills that made me half crazy and more suicidal. I dicided to go home for a while, to get a new perspective and i did. As shit as it was abroad, home was worst. Same old boring home, where nothing happens anyway. Same old sorry ass people with no goals in life, and loads of hate towards their peers.Came back with new energy from that trip and motivated myself to have healthier habits and get out of my sorry ass mental situation. Did not succeed for long.We started arguing quite a lot over the same issues, moving and our non existent sex life. I was convinced my hormonal issues have to do with the fact that i'm sexually inactive, i was blaming that on him. On the other hand i could not blame him, because he was nice and kind and was trying to do what he can in our best interest. And overall can you blame someone for not feeling that sexual towords you when once or twice a week we had an arguing match.CHAPTER IIIMoving and what a shit summer this has been.We got kicked out of the flat, landlord was selling. Hazzah, never been so happy to get kicked out of somewhere. But wait, we had no money put asside for moving because we never managed to do that after all. So for the next 3 months we struggled staying here and there, living out of boxes and bags, in other words we were homeless and looking for houses that we couldn't afford. I fell ill for a month and a half, it's what i call a disease chain. You get a cold, and then you get an allergy, and then you get an infection and then you end up in an ambulance for the 1st time and in the hospital etc.While trying to half push through to find a house and half in bed ill with shitloads of pills around me, from antibiotics to codeine i felt like disconnecting myself from everyone, didn't reply on social media, to emails, didn't answer to phone calls. I didn't even want to go out to the store and get food cause i didn't want to talk to people or have people look at me. We found a house, we're moving in soon but i feel like nothing matters anymore. I feel like the world is shit and there is nothing worth investing in or fighting for. I still don't want to talk to anyone i know. I get very stressed when i receive a text message. I tried to pull my self out of it and think, oh hey, it's my birthday soon, maybe i can force myself to get excited about that, maybe we'll go on a that trip and try to put all the past behind and start fresh in a new house in a new city. I can no longer get excited by anything by the way. I've been in a lot of places to DJ last year but i'm just sick to travel alone, it's so draining.As i was saying, Jerry travels quite a lot, now his in the US, then he's in Australia, Indonesia, Paris, Japan, Berlin etc. There were many moments in these 2 years when we planned to go in some of these places together, but getting close to the date we realised we don't have the resources. This time we made plans to go to Mexico for my birthday, but again, there will be no trip, on my birthday the internet guys will come to set up the internet, and around my birthday i have to set up the house while Jerry will be away with work. Why? Beacuse Jerry fucked up with dates and called the removal and the internet guys too late and yep no cash again!BOTTOMLINEI understand he's trying to do he's best and on his side it's been rough as well. He's been trying to keep us afloat financially and he managed. It must really be frustrating to see the in and out money flow and overall it's a lot of pressure to be responsible for someone else and with all your efforts that someone is constantly unhappy. Therefore most probably no sexual atraction or libido on his side.What i can't understand is why we didn't move after 6 months as we planned. That would've leveled things out financially with me working, no pressure on him and no lack of self esteem on me, no isolation, most probably no chronic depression or sexuality loss and overall a healthy relationship. Right? If you would see what your partner going through that wouldn't you push the button ASAP? What annoys me is that we moved with no money after all so we could've done that anythime. Only recently i found out that he regrets moving from that small country side town to the city. He liked it there and he wouldn't of moved if it wasn't for me.I'm writing this from his mom's kitchen looking at the clock ticking. I feel conflicted, i'm not sure about myself or anything else anymore, Am i going crazy?Am I acting like a spoiled princess wanting to travel with him at least for my birthday? am i delusional thinking that when someone is away quite loads they should try to pay more attention to your needs when they're present? Am i asking too much?Is it normal to get upset when someone says let's go to Australia but close to the date they slam you with a "not possible anymore" and that happens over and over and over again? Am i ungrateful?Yes i know, 1st world problems, but it's not when it's your life, is it. Am i abnormal?If you made it through this text, THANK YOU! It would really help to see other points of view on this, get a bit of clarity, try to fix my thinking if needed or end the relationship and fly solo. Really questioning my sanity at this point.---**TL;DR;** : I made some stupid choices, ended up in an isolated small town disconnected from everything and everyone with chronic depression and wondering if i'm insane. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2NE9CAS