Sorry ahead of time for my terrible grammar and general inability to write a well composed piece! This is my first post on reddit, however I have been on reddit for quite some time and r/deadbedroom has been a community I value for my own personal and extra-personal insight on many occasions. From the many academic references to peer reviewed journals, the suggested literature to inspirational and relatable stories from other redditors, I cherish this community more than any other on reddit.
Unsure whether or not I am seeking advice or just need a place to vent, but here it goes.
I will start by saying I love my SO and do not want to leave them/ them leave me. SO is LL30, I am HL30. We have been married for close to ten years, no kids and we both don't want any in the foreseeable future, I am currently attending Uni and they have a respectable career in a noble field, we live in a fun town, I like to think we are each other's best company and even better friends, and we both clear comfortable amounts of income. SO works crack-of-dawn early in the morning and gets off right when my classes begin and then I work late after school on some weekdays, so we do not get to see each other as much as we (or less presumably, I) would like.
This is one of many mornings i've spent on the couch. I haven't slept the entire night, just marinating in rejection, shame, and low self-esteem; meanwhile, SO is in bedroom getting the proper 8 hours of sleep, seemingly without any cares in the world. However, as much as I would feel shamefully satisfied exclusively throwing my frustrations out there, I feel I should provide some history and context. Never did I realize how difficult it would be to include the correct details to paint a clear and fair picture, while maintaining anonymity, and without writing a novel, until now.
We are currently attending couples counseling for communication issues in our relationship and I see a CBT for my own struggles with depression and anxiety. SO is highly intelligent, strong, independent, fun, playful, well humored, loves to read, physically fit, into playing competitive sports, we share almost all common interests, more beautiful than anyone I have ever seen, and understands me on more levels than I thought possible. Needless to say, I love them and they are my absolute world, I care about them across multiple dimensions and empathize with them more than I do with myself or any other person on this planet. It sucks to be here writing this.
To begin, my SO often attributes their LL to the POSSIBILITY of hormonal imbalance. This is obviously something I would never hold against SO or anyone, but they have never sought medical attention despite saying they will on many occasions over the span of 4 or 5 years. Whenever SO has suggested any counseling for me I have done it, sure, not that day one time, but I did indeed seek help every single time with an open and constructive attitude nonetheless. When it is not unconfirmed medical issues blocking any and all intimacy, it's "I'm tired", "I've never really been that sexual of a person", "I am not as young as I used to be", and "lets do this tomorrow". I hate to sound like a pessimist, but saying "I'm tired" usually isn't followed by being up on the phone for the next two-three hours or going out with friends until 5am, "I've never really been that sexual of a person" isn't preceded by insane amounts of amazing sex for years, "i'm not as young as I used to be" is usually reserved for geriatrics who have been offered a chance to go ice skating, and "lets do this tomorrow?" lets not go there.
We are now intimate, AT MOST, once a week and recently we went almost a month without. Now while I know that might be substantial sexual intervals for a lot of people, especially in this thread, there are a couple factors that have made this pill harder to swallow as of late. First, some of their newer friends. They have always acted strange around me and uninterested in anything I say. I have never had this problem with my SO's friends, or anyone for that matter, and would consider myself very friendly, sociable, and able to relate to damn near anybody. Well, a couple incidents have transpired that have led to some very serious talks. My main concern is really just one of these friends. They play a one-on-one sport together weekly, go to the same trivia, play board games together, and drink together with or without the rest of the friend group. I really cannot overstate my understanding of the fact that friendships should not be determined by sex or gender, that trust is a two-way street, and I am not the decider of who my SO can and should be friends with. Also, I have NEVER been the jealous type... until now. The first time, I felt these feelings. I had finished up at school much earlier than normal and called my SO to tell them I was going to be home early. now, one does not stay in a relationship as long as we have without knowing when something is up just by hearing the other's voice. I didn't think anything of it until I got home and saw six beers sitting on the living room table and nobody home, the apartment was immaculate... like just drinking was happening here. My SO never mentioned anyone was over, but to be fair I don't expect them to have to explain themselves or report in like a child and they should not ever feel that they have to disclose every single thing they are doing directly to me. So, I call my SO when I get home and their phone is dead. SO comes home late and drunk and so I save my concerns for the next day. The excuse; "I felt awkward and just didn't say anything about having friend1 over". So for a while SO started focusing on us again and not so much the booze pal(s).
Well, that was a short lived because not a couple weeks later my SO and a couple of their friends went out drinking and my SO was drugged and the only person who wasn't was friend1, whom provided the house SO stayed at that night. After that it was a planned trip with these friends, around a time I knowingly would not be able to go. While on this trip I was checking our bank account before making a large purchase and happened to notice a massage parlor had charged our account. I look into it and its a spa on the way to their vacation destination. Given that the aforementioned "friend" was the one person with my SO, driving them to the destination, I had a seed of doubt creep its way into my head that I am still unable to shake from months ago. Im stuck with this information and cannot do a single thing about it because I don't want to ruin their vacation over some potential misunderstanding. so, I wait for SO to get home from the trip and I ask the question. apparently SO got a bikini wax, a sexy customized one, and then proceeded to tell me they didn't want to tell me because they thought it would sound weird. Well, it did and hiding it made it much harder to stomach. I get why SO would get one as feeling sexy is an important part of a person's self esteem and I believe It would be selfish to say otherwise. but to hide that fact, getting it done on the day they leave for vacation with someone who they have been sketchy around me with, all just to get home and not have sex for.. I can't even remember how long.. two weeks? I have struggled with this and have brought it up, when appropriate, just to end up apologizing myself and then getting apologized to days later. up and down up and down. This argument is actually what made us seek couples counseling after it blew up in conversation one day.
so much to write, so sorry, I don't know how to condense this anymore than I have. These incidents with this friend, I feel, needed to be included for context.
Anyways, couples counseling is good and we have many constructive conversations and SO and I now have multiple communicative tools to use whenever we need to address an issue or just talk without getting defensive or feeling threatened. Sex was not a discussion in the first session, but it most certainly was in the second. We left the second session with two missions: trying to find a middle ground in the bedroom and SO seeking medical advice. neither of these things has happened or even been entertained on SO's end and its been two weeks since that last visit. Counselor told SO to be verbal and make it known when they display their version of affection and it has turned into this passive aggressive thing where SO will say something like "I vacuumed because I love you". I don't think SO means to be passive aggressive but it is how it comes off. I was too cowardly to mention the friend and how neglected I have truly been feeling, which is my fault and a whole other thing I could write a novel about. I am still trying to figure out how to bring that up in therapy without having a panic attack in front of my SO and the counselor. I've gotten to the point where I cannot lay in bed next to them without quietly crying to myself, feeling the onset of a panic attack, or just staring at the ceiling in a catatonic state until the sun comes up and my well rested partner wakes up for work. This has become absolutely maddening and I think they may feel bad for me, which is the last thing I want, but they refuse to acknowledge the damage their behavior has caused me and I am too worried that I am out of line with what problems I have already verbalized and may further push them away. This morning wasn't anything crazy, but it felt like a final straw for me in regards to the rejection I experienced last night. I can only not sleeping last night and thinking about school and the fact that my SO might not sexually desire me had something to do with my slight coldness towards them this morning and my sudden urge to post my problems on reddit.
I know this may sound cliche or like textbook conflict of interest or im just fucking nuts, but my SO is stupid hot, like I have honestly never been so enamored over, yet so attracted to someone like this in my life, the full package. They sleep naked or in skimpy cloths and constantly bump and grind against me in their sleep and they want to cuddle constantly, but THAT'S ALL. Any proposal for sex, sexual advances, making out, and sensual rubbing are met with a wall. And its not like its for me, I think I get more pleasure giving them oral than receiving it sometimes and I love fooling around and foreplay, could do it for hours. Anyways, romantic plans, dates, birthdays, and anniversaries have been sexless this last go-around and almost ALWAYS ended with the classic "I am tired". in our conversations about the subject I have been informed that SO feels loved through things like dates, cuddling, complements, etc. I have always done these things in excess and i'm starting to believe that its an easy way to tame my libido and label it as a problem without them actually having to work on their issues, having to think about my feelings, or being open to exploring new ideas. I have all but taken SSRIs just to lower my libido, to not feel like a sex addict or something. Another factor I should include is the fact that they are into certain kinks and for the last two years has talked and even STARTED conversations about going to the sex shop to buy some stuff to spice things up or talked about things they would like to do with me. This got my hopes shooting way on high. I will let you guess if any of those things ever happened or what happens when I bring these things up. We did have sex this past weekend but it was after a night of overly cold rejection and I wanted so badly to say no because of the resentment I was harboring THE ENTIRE NIGHT BEFORE, but I can't say no to her and honestly, she turns me on so much that I did it, I caved. I know I know, I am weak, but I have gotten to this pathetic state where I will take what I can get because it's like spotting a unicorn nowadays.
this is all I can think of for right now, my head is cloudy from the sleepless night of worthlessness and I have to get ready for class here soon. I do not know how I am going to make it through school and these private issues simultaneously.
not sure what to expect in the replies. I will mention that the only reason I would leave my SO is if they expressed, or it becomes 100% obvious, that they no longer desire me sexually or cheated on me.
Once again - sorry for the lengthiness
Sorry ahead of time for my terrible grammar and general inability to write a well composed piece! This is my first post on reddit, however I have been on reddit for quite some time and r/deadbedroom has been a community I value for my own personal and extra-personal insight on many occasions. From the many academic references to peer reviewed journals, the suggested literature to inspirational and relatable stories from other redditors, I cherish this community more than any other on reddit.Unsure whether or not I am seeking advice or just need a place to vent, but here it goes.I will start by saying I love my SO and do not want to leave them/ them leave me. SO is LL30, I am HL30. We have been married for close to ten years, no kids and we both don't want any in the foreseeable future, I am currently attending Uni and they have a respectable career in a noble field, we live in a fun town, I like to think we are each other's best company and even better friends, and we both clear comfortable amounts of income. SO works crack-of-dawn early in the morning and gets off right when my classes begin and then I work late after school on some weekdays, so we do not get to see each other as much as we (or less presumably, I) would like.This is one of many mornings i've spent on the couch. I haven't slept the entire night, just marinating in rejection, shame, and low self-esteem; meanwhile, SO is in bedroom getting the proper 8 hours of sleep, seemingly without any cares in the world. However, as much as I would feel shamefully satisfied exclusively throwing my frustrations out there, I feel I should provide some history and context. Never did I realize how difficult it would be to include the correct details to paint a clear and fair picture, while maintaining anonymity, and without writing a novel, until now.We are currently attending couples counseling for communication issues in our relationship and I see a CBT for my own struggles with depression and anxiety. SO is highly intelligent, strong, independent, fun, playful, well humored, loves to read, physically fit, into playing competitive sports, we share almost all common interests, more beautiful than anyone I have ever seen, and understands me on more levels than I thought possible. Needless to say, I love them and they are my absolute world, I care about them across multiple dimensions and empathize with them more than I do with myself or any other person on this planet. It sucks to be here writing this.To begin, my SO often attributes their LL to the POSSIBILITY of hormonal imbalance. This is obviously something I would never hold against SO or anyone, but they have never sought medical attention despite saying they will on many occasions over the span of 4 or 5 years. Whenever SO has suggested any counseling for me I have done it, sure, not that day one time, but I did indeed seek help every single time with an open and constructive attitude nonetheless. When it is not unconfirmed medical issues blocking any and all intimacy, it's "I'm tired", "I've never really been that sexual of a person", "I am not as young as I used to be", and "lets do this tomorrow". I hate to sound like a pessimist, but saying "I'm tired" usually isn't followed by being up on the phone for the next two-three hours or going out with friends until 5am, "I've never really been that sexual of a person" isn't preceded by insane amounts of amazing sex for years, "i'm not as young as I used to be" is usually reserved for geriatrics who have been offered a chance to go ice skating, and "lets do this tomorrow?" lets not go there.We are now intimate, AT MOST, once a week and recently we went almost a month without. Now while I know that might be substantial sexual intervals for a lot of people, especially in this thread, there are a couple factors that have made this pill harder to swallow as of late. First, some of their newer friends. They have always acted strange around me and uninterested in anything I say. I have never had this problem with my SO's friends, or anyone for that matter, and would consider myself very friendly, sociable, and able to relate to damn near anybody. Well, a couple incidents have transpired that have led to some very serious talks. My main concern is really just one of these friends. They play a one-on-one sport together weekly, go to the same trivia, play board games together, and drink together with or without the rest of the friend group. I really cannot overstate my understanding of the fact that friendships should not be determined by sex or gender, that trust is a two-way street, and I am not the decider of who my SO can and should be friends with. Also, I have NEVER been the jealous type... until now. The first time, I felt these feelings. I had finished up at school much earlier than normal and called my SO to tell them I was going to be home early. now, one does not stay in a relationship as long as we have without knowing when something is up just by hearing the other's voice. I didn't think anything of it until I got home and saw six beers sitting on the living room table and nobody home, the apartment was immaculate... like just drinking was happening here. My SO never mentioned anyone was over, but to be fair I don't expect them to have to explain themselves or report in like a child and they should not ever feel that they have to disclose every single thing they are doing directly to me. So, I call my SO when I get home and their phone is dead. SO comes home late and drunk and so I save my concerns for the next day. The excuse; "I felt awkward and just didn't say anything about having friend1 over". So for a while SO started focusing on us again and not so much the booze pal(s).Well, that was a short lived because not a couple weeks later my SO and a couple of their friends went out drinking and my SO was drugged and the only person who wasn't was friend1, whom provided the house SO stayed at that night. After that it was a planned trip with these friends, around a time I knowingly would not be able to go. While on this trip I was checking our bank account before making a large purchase and happened to notice a massage parlor had charged our account. I look into it and its a spa on the way to their vacation destination. Given that the aforementioned "friend" was the one person with my SO, driving them to the destination, I had a seed of doubt creep its way into my head that I am still unable to shake from months ago. Im stuck with this information and cannot do a single thing about it because I don't want to ruin their vacation over some potential misunderstanding. so, I wait for SO to get home from the trip and I ask the question. apparently SO got a bikini wax, a sexy customized one, and then proceeded to tell me they didn't want to tell me because they thought it would sound weird. Well, it did and hiding it made it much harder to stomach. I get why SO would get one as feeling sexy is an important part of a person's self esteem and I believe It would be selfish to say otherwise. but to hide that fact, getting it done on the day they leave for vacation with someone who they have been sketchy around me with, all just to get home and not have sex for.. I can't even remember how long.. two weeks? I have struggled with this and have brought it up, when appropriate, just to end up apologizing myself and then getting apologized to days later. up and down up and down. This argument is actually what made us seek couples counseling after it blew up in conversation one day.so much to write, so sorry, I don't know how to condense this anymore than I have. These incidents with this friend, I feel, needed to be included for context.Anyways, couples counseling is good and we have many constructive conversations and SO and I now have multiple communicative tools to use whenever we need to address an issue or just talk without getting defensive or feeling threatened. Sex was not a discussion in the first session, but it most certainly was in the second. We left the second session with two missions: trying to find a middle ground in the bedroom and SO seeking medical advice. neither of these things has happened or even been entertained on SO's end and its been two weeks since that last visit. Counselor told SO to be verbal and make it known when they display their version of affection and it has turned into this passive aggressive thing where SO will say something like "I vacuumed because I love you". I don't think SO means to be passive aggressive but it is how it comes off. I was too cowardly to mention the friend and how neglected I have truly been feeling, which is my fault and a whole other thing I could write a novel about. I am still trying to figure out how to bring that up in therapy without having a panic attack in front of my SO and the counselor. I've gotten to the point where I cannot lay in bed next to them without quietly crying to myself, feeling the onset of a panic attack, or just staring at the ceiling in a catatonic state until the sun comes up and my well rested partner wakes up for work. This has become absolutely maddening and I think they may feel bad for me, which is the last thing I want, but they refuse to acknowledge the damage their behavior has caused me and I am too worried that I am out of line with what problems I have already verbalized and may further push them away. This morning wasn't anything crazy, but it felt like a final straw for me in regards to the rejection I experienced last night. I can only not sleeping last night and thinking about school and the fact that my SO might not sexually desire me had something to do with my slight coldness towards them this morning and my sudden urge to post my problems on reddit.I know this may sound cliche or like textbook conflict of interest or im just fucking nuts, but my SO is stupid hot, like I have honestly never been so enamored over, yet so attracted to someone like this in my life, the full package. They sleep naked or in skimpy cloths and constantly bump and grind against me in their sleep and they want to cuddle constantly, but THAT'S ALL. Any proposal for sex, sexual advances, making out, and sensual rubbing are met with a wall. And its not like its for me, I think I get more pleasure giving them oral than receiving it sometimes and I love fooling around and foreplay, could do it for hours. Anyways, romantic plans, dates, birthdays, and anniversaries have been sexless this last go-around and almost ALWAYS ended with the classic "I am tired". in our conversations about the subject I have been informed that SO feels loved through things like dates, cuddling, complements, etc. I have always done these things in excess and i'm starting to believe that its an easy way to tame my libido and label it as a problem without them actually having to work on their issues, having to think about my feelings, or being open to exploring new ideas. I have all but taken SSRIs just to lower my libido, to not feel like a sex addict or something. Another factor I should include is the fact that they are into certain kinks and for the last two years has talked and even STARTED conversations about going to the sex shop to buy some stuff to spice things up or talked about things they would like to do with me. This got my hopes shooting way on high. I will let you guess if any of those things ever happened or what happens when I bring these things up. We did have sex this past weekend but it was after a night of overly cold rejection and I wanted so badly to say no because of the resentment I was harboring THE ENTIRE NIGHT BEFORE, but I can't say no to her and honestly, she turns me on so much that I did it, I caved. I know I know, I am weak, but I have gotten to this pathetic state where I will take what I can get because it's like spotting a unicorn nowadays.this is all I can think of for right now, my head is cloudy from the sleepless night of worthlessness and I have to get ready for class here soon. I do not know how I am going to make it through school and these private issues simultaneously.not sure what to expect in the replies. I will mention that the only reason I would leave my SO is if they expressed, or it becomes 100% obvious, that they no longer desire me sexually or cheated on me.Once again - sorry for the lengthiness https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2pbDwmt
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