I'm too fat to be attractive to him anymore

First time poster on mobile. This got long, please bear with me.

DH(33M) and I (32f) have been married for 2.5 years now. Ours was an arranged marriage, but we both went into it fully aware of each other's expectations, compatibilities and habits. One thing DH told me before we married was that he expected his wife to be healthy and fit. I have always been on the chubby side, but never obese, and I had a fairly active lifestyle. So this didn't seem like an issue at the time.

After we married, I moved to the city he was in and within 4 months got a job there. Unfortunately, this meant working night shifts, but at the time, our financial situation didn't leave me a choice.

The night shifts really did a number on my health and I gained about 40 kilos, going from the upper limit of healthy weight to obese.

Around this time, the amount of intimacy between us also reduced. But I didn't make the connection immediately as there are many religious occasions where abstinence is practiced. When we did have sex, i was the one initiating it. I brought this up many times to him saying that i was uncomfortable and would like more participation from him. He always agreed but never followed up.

This year, in February, we decided to try for a baby. We tried for maybe a month before it stopped. Again, around this time, he was looking to make a major career change and had interviews lined up almost every week. So i decided to just let it be. I also felt that he might have a naturally low libido but didn't know how to express that ( our culture is big on men having to be lusty creatures and what not).

Fast forward eight months, to yesterday, he finally got the job he wanted over the weekend, so I casually asked if we can finally start being intimate again. He didn't answer directly. Instead he said, 'I also was thinking about that today'. Taking that to mean yes,I casually said, 'thank God! It was just the pressure of finding a job! You didn't stop finding me attractive did you?'

That's when he said that he doesn't find me as appealing anymore, but didn't know how to tell me because he knew that I would be hurt. He cried saying that he felt like an asshole and tried to tell himself that since he loves the rest of me, this one thing shouldn't matter. He also feels guilty because I was forced to take the night shift because he couldn't provide for us on his earnings alone.

I feel devastated and guilty at the same time. I feel that he should have been open with me from the beginning. And if not, then atleast this year, when we started to try for a baby. If i had not asked him, he would never have told me. I feel that over time this would lead to him resenting me.

I don't know what to say or how to go forward from this. I feel that now, even if i lose all this weight and go back to how I was when we got married, i will never be comfortable in my body in front of him. And beyond that, it feels like he did not respect me enough to deal with this like an adult.

I know he loves me very much and I feel that he is Just Yes in every other way. But this unintentional cruelty had left me rethinking this relationship.

I would really appreciate any advice on how to go forward from here. Unfortunately, therapy is not an option right now.

Edit: I have read all the comments and many touch upon the same subject, so I thought to clarify. I realise i have put this down in a way that leads to misunderstanding.

I don't blame my partner for not being attracted to me. I understand his feelings and he is entitled to them. As many of you said, this was a communication issue. I was hurt that it took me asking outright for him to tell me this, because we have always practised being open with our thoughts. So when he told me that he's been having these thoughts for about two years, what struck me was that he had been unhappy with his quality of life for two years because of me and i have been blind to it.

We didn't realise the cause for the weight gain, because my diet and exercise had not changed majorly. But the sleep patterns caused a lot of hormonal imbalances that spiralled out of control. However, we both had been to doctors and various specialists to figure it out. I did go on medication to bring up certain vitamin levels and a bunch of other stuff and I'm already seeing a steady progress with losing weight.

I wrote this post just after all this went down and i was still upset and very hurt. But reflection and all your kind responses have made me realise that things are not so bad after all! And, DH is definitely not Just No.

I had a conversation with him about needing him to be more vocal about his feelings. Some one mentioned his weight. He stays pretty fit by playing badminton 3 times a week. Another person suggested playing together. So we have decided that he and i will play together atleast two times a week in addition to his regular games and my regular workout.

I also let him know that he didn't have to be sorry for not being attracted. But i also told him that it would be a while before i am comfortable in my body again. I did bring up future pregnancy related weight gain and he had promised to be more expressive of his feelings so that we can work together on this.

On reading this post again, I realise that i have been a little selfish in considering only my own feelings when this happened and not his. I also addressed that and let him know that i was sorry about it.

We seem to be back on track! I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and thoughts! It really brought some clarity to my muddled thoughts!

Thank you very much!

First time poster on mobile. This got long, please bear with me.DH(33M) and I (32f) have been married for 2.5 years now. Ours was an arranged marriage, but we both went into it fully aware of each other's expectations, compatibilities and habits. One thing DH told me before we married was that he expected his wife to be healthy and fit. I have always been on the chubby side, but never obese, and I had a fairly active lifestyle. So this didn't seem like an issue at the time.After we married, I moved to the city he was in and within 4 months got a job there. Unfortunately, this meant working night shifts, but at the time, our financial situation didn't leave me a choice.The night shifts really did a number on my health and I gained about 40 kilos, going from the upper limit of healthy weight to obese.Around this time, the amount of intimacy between us also reduced. But I didn't make the connection immediately as there are many religious occasions where abstinence is practiced. When we did have sex, i was the one initiating it. I brought this up many times to him saying that i was uncomfortable and would like more participation from him. He always agreed but never followed up.This year, in February, we decided to try for a baby. We tried for maybe a month before it stopped. Again, around this time, he was looking to make a major career change and had interviews lined up almost every week. So i decided to just let it be. I also felt that he might have a naturally low libido but didn't know how to express that ( our culture is big on men having to be lusty creatures and what not).Fast forward eight months, to yesterday, he finally got the job he wanted over the weekend, so I casually asked if we can finally start being intimate again. He didn't answer directly. Instead he said, 'I also was thinking about that today'. Taking that to mean yes,I casually said, 'thank God! It was just the pressure of finding a job! You didn't stop finding me attractive did you?'That's when he said that he doesn't find me as appealing anymore, but didn't know how to tell me because he knew that I would be hurt. He cried saying that he felt like an asshole and tried to tell himself that since he loves the rest of me, this one thing shouldn't matter. He also feels guilty because I was forced to take the night shift because he couldn't provide for us on his earnings alone.I feel devastated and guilty at the same time. I feel that he should have been open with me from the beginning. And if not, then atleast this year, when we started to try for a baby. If i had not asked him, he would never have told me. I feel that over time this would lead to him resenting me.I don't know what to say or how to go forward from this. I feel that now, even if i lose all this weight and go back to how I was when we got married, i will never be comfortable in my body in front of him. And beyond that, it feels like he did not respect me enough to deal with this like an adult.I know he loves me very much and I feel that he is Just Yes in every other way. But this unintentional cruelty had left me rethinking this relationship.I would really appreciate any advice on how to go forward from here. Unfortunately, therapy is not an option right now.Edit: I have read all the comments and many touch upon the same subject, so I thought to clarify. I realise i have put this down in a way that leads to misunderstanding.I don't blame my partner for not being attracted to me. I understand his feelings and he is entitled to them. As many of you said, this was a communication issue. I was hurt that it took me asking outright for him to tell me this, because we have always practised being open with our thoughts. So when he told me that he's been having these thoughts for about two years, what struck me was that he had been unhappy with his quality of life for two years because of me and i have been blind to it.We didn't realise the cause for the weight gain, because my diet and exercise had not changed majorly. But the sleep patterns caused a lot of hormonal imbalances that spiralled out of control. However, we both had been to doctors and various specialists to figure it out. I did go on medication to bring up certain vitamin levels and a bunch of other stuff and I'm already seeing a steady progress with losing weight.I wrote this post just after all this went down and i was still upset and very hurt. But reflection and all your kind responses have made me realise that things are not so bad after all! And, DH is definitely not Just No.I had a conversation with him about needing him to be more vocal about his feelings. Some one mentioned his weight. He stays pretty fit by playing badminton 3 times a week. Another person suggested playing together. So we have decided that he and i will play together atleast two times a week in addition to his regular games and my regular workout.I also let him know that he didn't have to be sorry for not being attracted. But i also told him that it would be a while before i am comfortable in my body again. I did bring up future pregnancy related weight gain and he had promised to be more expressive of his feelings so that we can work together on this.On reading this post again, I realise that i have been a little selfish in considering only my own feelings when this happened and not his. I also addressed that and let him know that i was sorry about it.We seem to be back on track! I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and thoughts! It really brought some clarity to my muddled thoughts!Thank you very much! https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2BYYSGe