I have a hellish life with 0% chance of succeeding. Would you kill yourself if you was in this position?

Excuse me everyone, I've been drinking so I am sorry if what I say is a little incoherent. Basically I've been drinking due to dealing with extreme depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and PMDD (a severe form of PMS that exacerbates my depression and anxiety but that is another story). What I am going to write will be long so i have warned you.

My depression has got worse since moving to an isolated area almost 4 years ago and me and my mum argue a lot since we moved. Because we have no friends, relatives or support network here and she has severe pain and joint problems so we basically never go out. So we are surrounded by each other constantly. Long story short as to why I've been drinking - My mum went to the shops and never came back. Next thing she calls me io drunk and I panicked. Because she has a habit of coming home drunk and verbally abusing me. So I thought two can play that game so I drank loads so that I can deal with the abuse when she comes back.

The truth is, she doesnt have a drink problem. It's the isolation that has caused it. And I am trying to condense this as much as I can but long story short, I miscarried due to the isolation. I deliberately got myself pregnant through a sperm donor because I thought with where I am, I'd never be part of a community, find someone or settle in. I thought that having a child as a single mum would be better than dying childless and 100% alone (I am an only child).

I will break down what has happened in my life and I want some honest as f*ck feedback. So if I am better off dead, please dont feel guilty about telling me that I am better off dead because you'll be doing me a favour.

Here is a breakdown of my life:

• I am going to be 26 in February, I've only slept with one person who didnt love me and left me for someone else. Ever since, I've been single for 5 years and probably wont find anyone in this life. I was even told by a past school friend that I should've killed myself over it.

• The last guy I dated sent me screenshots of date plans he made with someone else. He even sent me photos of her to spite me. This was ONE guy I really clicked with and felt who understood me since moving and feeling isolated

• I've been psychologically tortured by my dads girlfriend who compared me to 50 year old childless/unmarried women and told me I'd never have kids. I will probably never have kids as I miscarried at 4 weeks

• I hyperventilate most days and have severe panic attacks over thoughts of ending up alone

• When I miscarried the sperm donor told me it was my fault for stressing and that I will never carry to full term due to my mental health problems

• I was bullied in school and left with no education. I fought that, went back into education and got a good honours in psychology - And all of that was in vain

• I've also been abused by people online telling me that no man would want kids with me

• I am in debt as I have no income. My mental health problems are so bad that I cant cope with a job due to my mental and physical health. Plus, the only jobs I can get nearby are less than minimum wage

• I've been freelancing and had some luck as I was headhunted by a top Copywriter who ran her own agency. But that went downhill and the contracts ended and she got into problems. So I am back to square one sending endless proposals on race to the bottom freelancing sites. So I'll never make a living to cover basic expenses and I am living below poverty level

• My dad promises to help me with my deposit for buying a property only to mentally torture me and "drag the carrot". He apparently has saved £30,000+ for me but refuses to help me despite being in a crisis. What is worse is than in the UK there is no way of climbing the property ladder unless you have a large sum of money.

• I live in a super depressing area with nothing to do and i am completely cut off from society. I dont even have interactions with the local shopkeepers like I used to in my old area

• My only (ex) friend accused me of being lazy, treated me like shit and even made fun of my anxiety. I still get panic attacks over the stuff she has done. She even told me that I'd die alone with nothing and nobody once my parents die and this haunts me every day

• I tried making friends since on Bumble only to get cut off and ghosted. I spoke to someone for 6 months and explained to her about my agoraphobia. So I trusted her and met up with her, only for her to have a vile attitude in person and for her to cut me off for NO reason

Oh, and dont suggest joining a club because the only nearby groups are full of people who are 50+ on meetup. And all events are like 20+ miles away. I have one booked but I dont think I can go due to the distance. It was surprisingly a self help event for freelancers combatting isolation

• I called an ambulance when I was in a crisis and they didnt come. I even called a helpline and they kept hanging up and refused to help

• I even went to my doctors and they prescribed me beta blockers (when I have low blood pressure and these would lower my blood pressure more). Plus, they prescribed me medication which reacts badly to my hormones and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. SSRIs dont mix with hormone imbalances and do cause suicidal thoughts. So please dont give me the "visit your doctor" advice

• EVERYONE tells me how I have "bad luck" and even my own father tells me that my life is shit

• I am stuck indoors due to my agoraphobia and my nearest town centre which doesnt have a lot is 5 miles away- this makes it extremely difficult

• To make it worse, I have IBS. So i cant go on dates or socialise. Because I get stabbing pains in my stomach due to anxiety and it's an embarrassment

• I never leave the house and survive on YouTube. And when I do go out with family, my dad ruins family outings with his controlling behaviour and verbally abuses me to the point where I have panic attacks

• My dad offered to take me on holiday only to let me down at the last minute because he bought a car - Imagine what this is like for someone with depression who has nothing to look forward to

• I have no meaningful connections which is the worst part. I may have small talk with the odd Twitter or past school friend that fizzles out. Or I get ignored in a crisis, as usual..

If you've read this, I'd like to thank you. Because you made it this far.

But honestly, cutting is my only escape. I am trapped in a life that I cant escape from. I've gone back to cutting and it's an addiction, like smoking, it takes one cut to get you hooked again. Also, I will probably be confined to my room forever until my parents die.

In life, I would really like to make something of running my own freelancing business. I'd like to look after my parents (even though they've been assholes) and make them happy. I'd also like to own a property eventually so I'd never have to worry about rent or being thrown out on the streets.

Most of all, I would love to escape from here and travel the world and find a nice boyfriend. Someone who loves me for who I am and doesnt view me as vermin. And eventually, I'd love my own family unit after travelling. Without using a sperm donor, compromising or suffering alone. But that wont happen. I've read too many horror stories of women who end up alone and childless in the UK.

I hope that maybe this can happen in the afterlife or that I can drift away in a dream that I'd never wake up from. Because I know it wont happen in this life and what pains me is that my heart aches for that love, a child of my own and to be part of a loving community and to not live in severe isolation like this.

If you comment and have read all of this I appreciate it a ton. Because I am alone and if I didnt post this on reddit, nobody would know. Ideally, I would like some advice based on suicide methods to kill me quick as it is the best thing to do.

And I really hope that in the afterlife, my depression, anxiety and other mental health problems wont exist.

TLDR: My life is too fucked to give a TLDR! I cannot sum this sh*t up!

Excuse me everyone, I've been drinking so I am sorry if what I say is a little incoherent. Basically I've been drinking due to dealing with extreme depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and PMDD (a severe form of PMS that exacerbates my depression and anxiety but that is another story). What I am going to write will be long so i have warned you.My depression has got worse since moving to an isolated area almost 4 years ago and me and my mum argue a lot since we moved. Because we have no friends, relatives or support network here and she has severe pain and joint problems so we basically never go out. So we are surrounded by each other constantly. Long story short as to why I've been drinking - My mum went to the shops and never came back. Next thing she calls me io drunk and I panicked. Because she has a habit of coming home drunk and verbally abusing me. So I thought two can play that game so I drank loads so that I can deal with the abuse when she comes back.The truth is, she doesnt have a drink problem. It's the isolation that has caused it. And I am trying to condense this as much as I can but long story short, I miscarried due to the isolation. I deliberately got myself pregnant through a sperm donor because I thought with where I am, I'd never be part of a community, find someone or settle in. I thought that having a child as a single mum would be better than dying childless and 100% alone (I am an only child).I will break down what has happened in my life and I want some honest as f*ck feedback. So if I am better off dead, please dont feel guilty about telling me that I am better off dead because you'll be doing me a favour.Here is a breakdown of my life:I am going to be 26 in February, I've only slept with one person who didnt love me and left me for someone else. Ever since, I've been single for 5 years and probably wont find anyone in this life. I was even told by a past school friend that I should've killed myself over it.The last guy I dated sent me screenshots of date plans he made with someone else. He even sent me photos of her to spite me. This was ONE guy I really clicked with and felt who understood me since moving and feeling isolatedI've been psychologically tortured by my dads girlfriend who compared me to 50 year old childless/unmarried women and told me I'd never have kids. I will probably never have kids as I miscarried at 4 weeksI hyperventilate most days and have severe panic attacks over thoughts of ending up aloneWhen I miscarried the sperm donor told me it was my fault for stressing and that I will never carry to full term due to my mental health problemsI was bullied in school and left with no education. I fought that, went back into education and got a good honours in psychology - And all of that was in vainI've also been abused by people online telling me that no man would want kids with meI am in debt as I have no income. My mental health problems are so bad that I cant cope with a job due to my mental and physical health. Plus, the only jobs I can get nearby are less than minimum wageI've been freelancing and had some luck as I was headhunted by a top Copywriter who ran her own agency. But that went downhill and the contracts ended and she got into problems. So I am back to square one sending endless proposals on race to the bottom freelancing sites. So I'll never make a living to cover basic expenses and I am living below poverty levelMy dad promises to help me with my deposit for buying a property only to mentally torture me and "drag the carrot". He apparently has saved £30,000+ for me but refuses to help me despite being in a crisis. What is worse is than in the UK there is no way of climbing the property ladder unless you have a large sum of money.I live in a super depressing area with nothing to do and i am completely cut off from society. I dont even have interactions with the local shopkeepers like I used to in my old areaMy only (ex) friend accused me of being lazy, treated me like shit and even made fun of my anxiety. I still get panic attacks over the stuff she has done. She even told me that I'd die alone with nothing and nobody once my parents die and this haunts me every dayI tried making friends since on Bumble only to get cut off and ghosted. I spoke to someone for 6 months and explained to her about my agoraphobia. So I trusted her and met up with her, only for her to have a vile attitude in person and for her to cut me off for NO reasonOh, and dont suggest joining a club because the only nearby groups are full of people who are 50+ on meetup. And all events are like 20+ miles away. I have one booked but I dont think I can go due to the distance. It was surprisingly a self help event for freelancers combatting isolationI called an ambulance when I was in a crisis and they didnt come. I even called a helpline and they kept hanging up and refused to helpI even went to my doctors and they prescribed me beta blockers (when I have low blood pressure and these would lower my blood pressure more). Plus, they prescribed me medication which reacts badly to my hormones and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. SSRIs dont mix with hormone imbalances and do cause suicidal thoughts. So please dont give me the "visit your doctor" adviceEVERYONE tells me how I have "bad luck" and even my own father tells me that my life is shitI am stuck indoors due to my agoraphobia and my nearest town centre which doesnt have a lot is 5 miles away- this makes it extremely difficultTo make it worse, I have IBS. So i cant go on dates or socialise. Because I get stabbing pains in my stomach due to anxiety and it's an embarrassmentI never leave the house and survive on YouTube. And when I do go out with family, my dad ruins family outings with his controlling behaviour and verbally abuses me to the point where I have panic attacksMy dad offered to take me on holiday only to let me down at the last minute because he bought a car - Imagine what this is like for someone with depression who has nothing to look forward toI have no meaningful connections which is the worst part. I may have small talk with the odd Twitter or past school friend that fizzles out. Or I get ignored in a crisis, as usual..If you've read this, I'd like to thank you. Because you made it this far.But honestly, cutting is my only escape. I am trapped in a life that I cant escape from. I've gone back to cutting and it's an addiction, like smoking, it takes one cut to get you hooked again. Also, I will probably be confined to my room forever until my parents die.In life, I would really like to make something of running my own freelancing business. I'd like to look after my parents (even though they've been assholes) and make them happy. I'd also like to own a property eventually so I'd never have to worry about rent or being thrown out on the streets.Most of all, I would love to escape from here and travel the world and find a nice boyfriend. Someone who loves me for who I am and doesnt view me as vermin. And eventually, I'd love my own family unit after travelling. Without using a sperm donor, compromising or suffering alone. But that wont happen. I've read too many horror stories of women who end up alone and childless in the UK.I hope that maybe this can happen in the afterlife or that I can drift away in a dream that I'd never wake up from. Because I know it wont happen in this life and what pains me is that my heart aches for that love, a child of my own and to be part of a loving community and to not live in severe isolation like this.If you comment and have read all of this I appreciate it a ton. Because I am alone and if I didnt post this on reddit, nobody would know. Ideally, I would like some advice based on suicide methods to kill me quick as it is the best thing to do.And I really hope that in the afterlife, my depression, anxiety and other mental health problems wont exist.TLDR: My life is too fucked to give a TLDR! I cannot sum this sh*t up! https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2S3tL3Y