I have an anxiety disorder, depression and a serious hormonal imbalance (addressed with medication that doesn’t help my sex drive) that has robbed me of my sexual desire over the course of our relationship. Many times I’ve done a sex act for his benefit when I had zero desire to commit the act for my own benefit because he was begging or starting a fight with me about how long we had gone between having sex and I felt bad.
There have been times I couldn’t have sex with him for weeks, and then sometimes (very rarely) it hits me and I want to fuck twice in a day. My sex drive is random and hard to anticipate, so I carry a lot of guilt in my inability to please him consistently and regularly, especially because he has a very high sex drive. In his ideal world we would probably fuck three or four times a day. Meanwhile, I literally haven’t felt like I’m physically attractive/sexy since I was probably 19 despite the fact that I’ve gotten into better shape since then. I look at myself and I just don’t see a sexual person like when I look at friends my age who celebrate their own beauty and sexuality. When I see myself, I mostly just feel disoriented. He doesn’t make me feel sexy, but that’s not really his responsibility is it?
On another note, we struggle with emotional intimacy and emotional connection, and this increases my aversion to sex with him. I don’t know how to work on this, he’s just not a very emotional person in the first place, but I’m the kind of girl who wants deep confessions of love and he’s just not connected to his emotions the way I am with mine. I’m very intense with my emotions and I think it scares him sometimes. He can’t reciprocate. We get along really well, we can make each other crack up all day long and we have a long list of obscure mutual interests I think would be hard to find in other potential partners. But sometimes, it feels that we are more like best friends than partners.
His fetishes are butt stuff and MILF’s. I’ve tried butt stuff w him (a lot), got hurt, and have continuously rejected his attempts to get at/in my butthole for a couple years now. I just don’t enjoy it, and recently there was an incident where he went for my butthole without my consent and it was the last straw. I freaked out and we fought for hours, ending in him crying and apologizing and swearing never to do anything like that again or even ask me to try butt stuff ever again. He understood he crossed a boundary and there haven’t been problems like that since.
Yesterday he told me that when he watches porn, he pretends he’s the male actor fucking the woman. In his case the woman is much older than us, and has a very different body than I do. I feel like this info was not surprising but it’s left me feeling like it’s added an entirely new layer of difficulty for me in our sex life and contributes to the lack of emotional intimacy I feel with him. I can’t have sex with him as frequently as he’d like, I’m too vanilla in bed for him, and my body is far from what he fantasizes about. I’ve sent him nudes in the past but he’s never expressed interest in them at all and he certainly doesn’t use those images to get himself off. It seems like at a primal level, he is instinctually attracted to someone more mature and adventurous and experienced than I am. I feel that I don’t excite him, I’m just a vehicle for him to get off with sometimes, and I worry that when we do have sex he’s fantasizing about someone he’s more attracted to.
I don’t know why he stays in this relationship, truthfully. I’ve brought up opening up our relationship so he can get his needs met. Or taking a break for a few months so he can explore his desires with other people. Or just break up since we’ve been sexually incompatible for two of the three years we’ve been together. He doesn’t entertain any of this, he says he loves me and I’m his priority, but I think maybe he’s just too comfortable with our friendship and doesn’t want to lose that. I feel stuck in my sexual inadequacy and I feel hopeless. I feel bad for him and I feel like I’m holding him back. I don’t know if there’s anything left for me to say to him, or anything left for me to do.
TLDR; my boyfriend has sexual interests I don’t fulfill. He fantasizes about fucking women who are nothing like me, and he fantasizes about sex acts I hate. Pairing this with my declining sex drive due to poor mental health and hormonal imbalances, as well as our lack of deep emotional intimacy, I feel like we are both trapped and don’t know a way out, or a way back to each other. I need help identifying where we’ve gone wrong and what my options are for moving forward, if any.
I have an anxiety disorder, depression and a serious hormonal imbalance (addressed with medication that doesn’t help my sex drive) that has robbed me of my sexual desire over the course of our relationship. Many times I’ve done a sex act for his benefit when I had zero desire to commit the act for my own benefit because he was begging or starting a fight with me about how long we had gone between having sex and I felt bad.There have been times I couldn’t have sex with him for weeks, and then sometimes (very rarely) it hits me and I want to fuck twice in a day. My sex drive is random and hard to anticipate, so I carry a lot of guilt in my inability to please him consistently and regularly, especially because he has a very high sex drive. In his ideal world we would probably fuck three or four times a day. Meanwhile, I literally haven’t felt like I’m physically attractive/sexy since I was probably 19 despite the fact that I’ve gotten into better shape since then. I look at myself and I just don’t see a sexual person like when I look at friends my age who celebrate their own beauty and sexuality. When I see myself, I mostly just feel disoriented. He doesn’t make me feel sexy, but that’s not really his responsibility is it?On another note, we struggle with emotional intimacy and emotional connection, and this increases my aversion to sex with him. I don’t know how to work on this, he’s just not a very emotional person in the first place, but I’m the kind of girl who wants deep confessions of love and he’s just not connected to his emotions the way I am with mine. I’m very intense with my emotions and I think it scares him sometimes. He can’t reciprocate. We get along really well, we can make each other crack up all day long and we have a long list of obscure mutual interests I think would be hard to find in other potential partners. But sometimes, it feels that we are more like best friends than partners.His fetishes are butt stuff and MILF’s. I’ve tried butt stuff w him (a lot), got hurt, and have continuously rejected his attempts to get at/in my butthole for a couple years now. I just don’t enjoy it, and recently there was an incident where he went for my butthole without my consent and it was the last straw. I freaked out and we fought for hours, ending in him crying and apologizing and swearing never to do anything like that again or even ask me to try butt stuff ever again. He understood he crossed a boundary and there haven’t been problems like that since.Yesterday he told me that when he watches porn, he pretends he’s the male actor fucking the woman. In his case the woman is much older than us, and has a very different body than I do. I feel like this info was not surprising but it’s left me feeling like it’s added an entirely new layer of difficulty for me in our sex life and contributes to the lack of emotional intimacy I feel with him. I can’t have sex with him as frequently as he’d like, I’m too vanilla in bed for him, and my body is far from what he fantasizes about. I’ve sent him nudes in the past but he’s never expressed interest in them at all and he certainly doesn’t use those images to get himself off. It seems like at a primal level, he is instinctually attracted to someone more mature and adventurous and experienced than I am. I feel that I don’t excite him, I’m just a vehicle for him to get off with sometimes, and I worry that when we do have sex he’s fantasizing about someone he’s more attracted to.I don’t know why he stays in this relationship, truthfully. I’ve brought up opening up our relationship so he can get his needs met. Or taking a break for a few months so he can explore his desires with other people. Or just break up since we’ve been sexually incompatible for two of the three years we’ve been together. He doesn’t entertain any of this, he says he loves me and I’m his priority, but I think maybe he’s just too comfortable with our friendship and doesn’t want to lose that. I feel stuck in my sexual inadequacy and I feel hopeless. I feel bad for him and I feel like I’m holding him back. I don’t know if there’s anything left for me to say to him, or anything left for me to do.TLDR; my boyfriend has sexual interests I don’t fulfill. He fantasizes about fucking women who are nothing like me, and he fantasizes about sex acts I hate. Pairing this with my declining sex drive due to poor mental health and hormonal imbalances, as well as our lack of deep emotional intimacy, I feel like we are both trapped and don’t know a way out, or a way back to each other. I need help identifying where we’ve gone wrong and what my options are for moving forward, if any. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2YmFj7o
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