This is a long, negative post. I am in dire need of advice from body positive people who love themselves no matter what. I can’t find the love within myself.
This is not a pity post. I just need to vent.
First off, I absolutely hate myself. I can’t stand to look in the mirror. All I see is a fat, disgusting waste of space. I’ve been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. I used to get bullied for being the weird fat kid amongst other things. As an adult, I’m still fat and I absolutely hate my body. I suffer from body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety disorder and a few other issues with my mental health. I don’t have a therapist anymore which sucks. A few years ago I was at a decent weight/size for once but then I got into a very abusive narcissistic relationship and became fatter than ever.. Last year, after going to the gym and dieting I lost 30 pounds after a YEAR of hard work.. I have a hormonal imbalance so it’s really difficult to lose weight. Anyway.. during this quarantine I gained back all of that weight and didn’t even realize it until I went to the doctors office and stepped on the scale. I decided to look into surgeries that I’ve been wanting for a long time and now is my chance since I’m off work for X amount of time. What better time for healing than now? The receptionist that I was emailing said weight wouldn’t be an issue. Well today I finally got to meet the doctor and we talked about all the things I was hoping to have done and we could go ahead and get something scheduled with the way she was talking about everything. I was SO excited.. But then, after an hour meeting she finally says “well these are great ideas but right now you’re too heavy for any of them. Come back when you’ve lost weight...” That really destroyed me today. I understand some surgeries and procedures aren’t safe if you’re heavy or results aren’t the best and whatever.. but why not just tell me in the beginning “hey, you’re too heavy right now we can discuss this at a future date” instead of wasting my time?? I disclosed all my personal information beforehand. I already knew I’m fat and that’s why I’m even looking into spending a stupid amount of money to try to feel good. Anyway, I’ve been reading about body positivity for years. How to be happy in your body etc but I just can’t seem to be happy no matter what I try and being a depressed pile of misery doesn’t help. I never want to leave the house again. I can’t anyway right now which is great but still. I should add, my husband is incredibly supportive and does his best to help me through these things. But I’m getting to a point where I can’t shake how I feel and he won’t admit it but I know it’s bringing him down too. I don’t talk about it much anymore because it’s the same conversation of him telling me he loves me just the way I am and to stop being sad about myself which is nice and all but I don’t love me and it’s hard to get over it. I don’t think he truly understands how much of an impact these things have on me. So! Any advice would be much appreciated.. I know I should get a new therapist but my insurance doesn’t cover it so that’s an problem. I can’t go to the gym because they’re closed and at home work outs just aren’t cutting it. How the heck are people so happy with how they look? I don’t understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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