I’m stuck in a weird position [TW: mentions of doctors, medical talk, shaming, calories and fat mentions]
Strap in gentlefolk, this gon be long bc I’m currently traveling and I feel like yapping.
I’m overweight. I’ve basically ALWAYS been overweight, since I started going to school, so that’s a good 15+ years of being a disgusting worthless meat sack. Pair that with my physical and mental illnesses and you get a cocktail that I like to call “nobody really ever wanted to be near me bc I’m fat gross and weird”. My parents would blame my struggles with relationships on my weight, they’d shame and scrutinize every single meal I ate.
At the age of 19, after years of begging, I was successful in convincing my parents to bring me to a gynecologist to check my ovaries, and found out I have PCOS. I started birth control (which by the way, what a god damn scam: the pill is supposed to regulate my hormones and help me lose weight but the pill itself gave me so much water weight and cellulite it’s insane and makes me want to rip my hair out) and at this point I had the real first confirmation that I was correct in thinking there was something WRONG with me on a hormonal level. I’ve never been able to actually shed kilos without engaging in unhealthy habits, which now I realize we’re just bootleg “ED thingz”. I never thought I’d have one, and still struggle accepting that I do because “fat ppl don’t have ED’s that’s for skinni bitches only”.
In addition to this, I developed serious intestinal issues in these last 4 years: I like to joke that my intestines love to sing because they’re LOUD, regardless of whether it’s because I ate or not. And they’re painful. I’m often on the toilet having unhealthy bowel movements and I’m constantly miserable, fatigued and poopy.
Now fast forward to a couple of days ago. A dear friend of my father’s who is a dietician and wife to a doctor, called me to her house and told me that she suspects I have endometriosis, and this did surprise me but it wasn’t what really shocked me.
She thinks that NONE OF MY WEIGHT IS FOOD RELATED. That all the weight I have is caused by hormone induced fat. I’m basically the equivalent of an American hormone fed beef cow, lmao.
SO YOURE TELLING ME THAT NONE OF THIS IS DUE TO MY EATING? I have suffered for years, hating myself and shaming myself into restricting (and inevitably binging when that fails), been shamed by family and friends, FOR NOTHING? I ruined my god damn knees running, FOR NOTHING? I spent hours in front of a mirror being angry at myself for eating a piece of bread because “look at this big fat belly you bitch”,
FOR GOD DAMNED NOTHING???
Now, this isn’t a certainty but... it oddly feels validating to know that my thoughts of hormonal imbalances may be correct? Even more than I previously thought? Like... it feels liberating, knowing that it wasn’t me. My body apparently hates me just as much I hate it, lol.
She told me I should get tests done, go to an endo and switch birth control. She says I’m CURABLE. I don’t know if I should be crying of joy or because I spent years of my life being blamed and blaming myself for this weight that would never come off.
Thank you if you read all the way to the end, but I don’t tell anyone I have an ED and I feel safe here. Much love to everyone. ♥️
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