I found her. Shouldn’t have but I did. Holy fuck reading through her page. I know it’s creepy and I want to stop this behavior but there’s a burn in my blood that compels me. I think it’s a lingering codependency urge but maybe after this I can let it rest.
It’s very interesting how someone who never physically hurt you can cause this much fear and adrenaline. To the point I’d say it’s comparable to my physical feelings about my abuser.
But I’m surprised she deleted her attack post on me. Her rage post claiming me to be bipolar. It was emerging from dissociation, had PTSD, depression, anxiety, as well as a hormone imbalance that threw everything off so it’s a fair assumption.
A little angry too. Like her shadow and toxic behavior follows me. I have such a hard time trusting friends and her actions have a daily effect on me, more so than my brothers abuse. And she just moves on.
This person cause me so much emotional pain to where my body gets sent into panic if I think I find her on social media. Thinking oh god what is she finds me and attacks me. Makes all of my friends and bf hate me because she’s such an innocent looking person. I’m such a big scary brute it’s obviously my fault.
It’s like lapis and Jasper from Steven universe. Don’t get me wrong Jasper sucks but she didn’t trick lapis. She was the one who was tricked into a nonconsensual relationship and when she came out had this addiction to lapis. A sobbing mess trying to get back with her.
And cuz lapis is cute and innocent looking she just gets this free pass. She tortured jasper enjoyed having control over someone. Granted she realizes it was bad makes a conscious effort to change that but treats everyone else awfully. Then turns her feelings into a competition. Who can out sad her?
I stay away from lapis episodes because I just project so much of this ex friend onto her.
I’m a fucking wreck because I started developing little boundaries and she couldn’t stand it. She just talked shit about me to our friends expecting them to maybe fix it for her. Asked me to protect her from anxiety which she used as a control method on me and her bestest friend ever after me. Who had better boundaries and called her out on her shit. She’s a monster to her too.
I loved her so damn much. She meant the world to me. And she couldn’t stand her life. Once she decided I was the enemy trying to control her she put all her feelings about past friends, her parents, and anger towards herself onto me and just lit it on fire. And wanted me to grovel back in tears and beg for her back. Then felt astonished and betrayed that I went no contact.
She turned our trauma into a competition. Everything into a competition. And said I did! It was her own feelings of her invalidating her own trauma. A very valid trauma. Her own skills. But she felt uncomfy with mine so obviously I’m bragging.
I got nothing from looking just rage. Maybe I wanted to find something to further cement in my brain that it wasn’t fair. That she was still angry and mean. But all I found was that she’s probably moved on. While I’m still stuck in the ashes of her quite frank abuse. It was emotional abuse at that point because every step near her was wrong. she needed something to control. Someone to hurt. She’d throw cold aggressive evil air if I breathed wrong. If I ended a text with a “.”. I’m just now getting to where I can admit it. A physical reaction like this wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t abuse.
And now I’ve lost an hour at work because I went into freeze mode. I mean it’s my own fault but this just sucks. I just needed to vent this out.
Seriously if anyone has any tips to quit being so obsessed with the people who hurt you let me know 😅
I found her. Shouldn’t have but I did. Holy fuck reading through her page. I know it’s creepy and I want to stop this behavior but there’s a burn in my blood that compels me. I think it’s a lingering codependency urge but maybe after this I can let it rest.It’s very interesting how someone who never physically hurt you can cause this much fear and adrenaline. To the point I’d say it’s comparable to my physical feelings about my abuser.But I’m surprised she deleted her attack post on me. Her rage post claiming me to be bipolar. It was emerging from dissociation, had PTSD, depression, anxiety, as well as a hormone imbalance that threw everything off so it’s a fair assumption.A little angry too. Like her shadow and toxic behavior follows me. I have such a hard time trusting friends and her actions have a daily effect on me, more so than my brothers abuse. And she just moves on.This person cause me so much emotional pain to where my body gets sent into panic if I think I find her on social media. Thinking oh god what is she finds me and attacks me. Makes all of my friends and bf hate me because she’s such an innocent looking person. I’m such a big scary brute it’s obviously my fault.It’s like lapis and Jasper from Steven universe. Don’t get me wrong Jasper sucks but she didn’t trick lapis. She was the one who was tricked into a nonconsensual relationship and when she came out had this addiction to lapis. A sobbing mess trying to get back with her.And cuz lapis is cute and innocent looking she just gets this free pass. She tortured jasper enjoyed having control over someone. Granted she realizes it was bad makes a conscious effort to change that but treats everyone else awfully. Then turns her feelings into a competition. Who can out sad her?I stay away from lapis episodes because I just project so much of this ex friend onto her.I’m a fucking wreck because I started developing little boundaries and she couldn’t stand it. She just talked shit about me to our friends expecting them to maybe fix it for her. Asked me to protect her from anxiety which she used as a control method on me and her bestest friend ever after me. Who had better boundaries and called her out on her shit. She’s a monster to her too.I loved her so damn much. She meant the world to me. And she couldn’t stand her life. Once she decided I was the enemy trying to control her she put all her feelings about past friends, her parents, and anger towards herself onto me and just lit it on fire. And wanted me to grovel back in tears and beg for her back. Then felt astonished and betrayed that I went no contact.She turned our trauma into a competition. Everything into a competition. And said I did! It was her own feelings of her invalidating her own trauma. A very valid trauma. Her own skills. But she felt uncomfy with mine so obviously I’m bragging.I got nothing from looking just rage. Maybe I wanted to find something to further cement in my brain that it wasn’t fair. That she was still angry and mean. But all I found was that she’s probably moved on. While I’m still stuck in the ashes of her quite frank abuse. It was emotional abuse at that point because every step near her was wrong. she needed something to control. Someone to hurt. She’d throw cold aggressive evil air if I breathed wrong. If I ended a text with a “.”. I’m just now getting to where I can admit it. A physical reaction like this wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t abuse.And now I’ve lost an hour at work because I went into freeze mode. I mean it’s my own fault but this just sucks. I just needed to vent this out.Seriously if anyone has any tips to quit being so obsessed with the people who hurt you let me know 😅 https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2HKjHvk
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