Hello, I’m a 15 year old with OCD. I’ve been in therapy for it as well as anxiety and depression (a lot of which stemmed from OCD) since April but I have struggled with it in some form ever since I can remember, although I didn’t recognize it until I began to really struggle about two years ago. I have intrusive thoughts about literally everything, all of the time. And I count everything: noises, times I touch things, opening and closing doors, flipping switches, saying certain words, going on stairs, pushing buttons, things I see, and even steps. They all have to be the right number (I have a special number), or else intrusive thought will happen. I have a really large variety of intrusive and terrifying thoughts (my therapist says I am very creative). I have nightmares about being asked to turn off the lights for the class or something and having to expose myself. How do you tell a group of judge-mental teenagers that if you don’t flip the switch _ times someone will shoot up the school? However illogical it is I always get caught in the loop of “well it’s selfish not to do it if it has a chance of protecting others.” I have a tendency of scratching my thumb till it bleeds or banging my wrist into hard surfaces when I get stuck in a thought and people are starting to notice. One of my most common problems is cars. Every single time one of them goes by me while I am walking or biking I completely loose bearing of where I am and see the car hitting/running over me, my dog, a family member, etc. and hear the noises and it is as real as can be. It’s like it is happening and I am actually experiencing it, so to prevent that I have to do a routine of compulsions at the would-be “moment of collision.” Another problem is knives, I’m always afraid I will loose control and attack other people/animals and that I will like it, especially my younger siblings, or that I won’t pay attention to myself for a second and I will stab myself, which has led to such fun thoughts as “you are evil, you should kill yourself to protect the people you care about because you are a monster who will hurt them otherwise.” I have a ton of other obsessions/intrusions but these are the most real and recurring. I used to walk with my dog 2-5 miles almost every day but I can’t do it anymore. I haven’t picked up a knife sharper than a butter knife in over a year. I have never told anyone about seeing scenarios before, including my therapist (so why not tell a bunch of adults on the internet?) because I am worried that means I am going crazy. My biggest problem though is that until recently, both my parents and the therapist told me that my OCD was probably a hormone imbalance and treating it as though when my brain is done developing it will magically disappear and all will be fine. Like mental health is a phase of teenage rebellion.
Recently that view appears to have changed as I spoke with her more and more frequently, especially about the amount of time I waste because of a ceaseless tirade of “if...then” (or as I more commonly think of them “do...or else”). It can take me as much as two hours to complete 15 minutes of schoolwork if I get it in my head that if I don’t reread the text/watch the video/write the correct word count number of times I won’t retain the information then I’ll fail the assignment then test then class then high school then... in a constant spiral ending in doom and gloom. It’s also caused me trouble sleeping, I didn’t sleep for three days a little while ago after one of my friend’s houses burned down due to a drier malfunction because I worried that unless I kept checking it would happen or if I fell asleep it would catch fire. Last time I spoke with her (two days ago) she suggested that now might be the right time to start meds, but as much as I want all the fear and obsession to stop so that I can just calm down and relax, I’m scared of taking meds. For one I am a touch bothered because of contamination, as well as the ever-present fear that I’m faking it and therefore can’t get better because I am determined to stay sick, but also because doing so feels like giving up and succumbing to my OCD demon. If my therapist suggested that I take medication, doesn’t that mean that she thinks I am not capable of getting better on my own? That without outside interference I will never be able to beat this? And even though I don’t ever think I’ll change, it still feels like a betrayal to admit it.
It’s just so exhausting, literally and metaphorically, I can’t handle my whole life being like this all of the time. I have a really hard time seeing a future for myself beyond the scope of panic attacks and mental health problems. Anyway, this got long, sad, and I way overshared. I said a lot of things I’ve never said before, I’ll probably delete this soon, but it feels really good to say and I just want to hear someone say it’s going to be okay :) if you read this far, thank you.
Hello, I’m a 15 year old with OCD. I’ve been in therapy for it as well as anxiety and depression (a lot of which stemmed from OCD) since April but I have struggled with it in some form ever since I can remember, although I didn’t recognize it until I began to really struggle about two years ago. I have intrusive thoughts about literally everything, all of the time. And I count everything: noises, times I touch things, opening and closing doors, flipping switches, saying certain words, going on stairs, pushing buttons, things I see, and even steps. They all have to be the right number (I have a special number), or else intrusive thought will happen. I have a really large variety of intrusive and terrifying thoughts (my therapist says I am very creative). I have nightmares about being asked to turn off the lights for the class or something and having to expose myself. How do you tell a group of judge-mental teenagers that if you don’t flip the switch _ times someone will shoot up the school? However illogical it is I always get caught in the loop of “well it’s selfish not to do it if it has a chance of protecting others.” I have a tendency of scratching my thumb till it bleeds or banging my wrist into hard surfaces when I get stuck in a thought and people are starting to notice. One of my most common problems is cars. Every single time one of them goes by me while I am walking or biking I completely loose bearing of where I am and see the car hitting/running over me, my dog, a family member, etc. and hear the noises and it is as real as can be. It’s like it is happening and I am actually experiencing it, so to prevent that I have to do a routine of compulsions at the would-be “moment of collision.” Another problem is knives, I’m always afraid I will loose control and attack other people/animals and that I will like it, especially my younger siblings, or that I won’t pay attention to myself for a second and I will stab myself, which has led to such fun thoughts as “you are evil, you should kill yourself to protect the people you care about because you are a monster who will hurt them otherwise.” I have a ton of other obsessions/intrusions but these are the most real and recurring. I used to walk with my dog 2-5 miles almost every day but I can’t do it anymore. I haven’t picked up a knife sharper than a butter knife in over a year. I have never told anyone about seeing scenarios before, including my therapist (so why not tell a bunch of adults on the internet?) because I am worried that means I am going crazy. My biggest problem though is that until recently, both my parents and the therapist told me that my OCD was probably a hormone imbalance and treating it as though when my brain is done developing it will magically disappear and all will be fine. Like mental health is a phase of teenage rebellion.Recently that view appears to have changed as I spoke with her more and more frequently, especially about the amount of time I waste because of a ceaseless tirade of “if...then” (or as I more commonly think of them “do...or else”). It can take me as much as two hours to complete 15 minutes of schoolwork if I get it in my head that if I don’t reread the text/watch the video/write the correct word count number of times I won’t retain the information then I’ll fail the assignment then test then class then high school then... in a constant spiral ending in doom and gloom. It’s also caused me trouble sleeping, I didn’t sleep for three days a little while ago after one of my friend’s houses burned down due to a drier malfunction because I worried that unless I kept checking it would happen or if I fell asleep it would catch fire. Last time I spoke with her (two days ago) she suggested that now might be the right time to start meds, but as much as I want all the fear and obsession to stop so that I can just calm down and relax, I’m scared of taking meds. For one I am a touch bothered because of contamination, as well as the ever-present fear that I’m faking it and therefore can’t get better because I am determined to stay sick, but also because doing so feels like giving up and succumbing to my OCD demon. If my therapist suggested that I take medication, doesn’t that mean that she thinks I am not capable of getting better on my own? That without outside interference I will never be able to beat this? And even though I don’t ever think I’ll change, it still feels like a betrayal to admit it.It’s just so exhausting, literally and metaphorically, I can’t handle my whole life being like this all of the time. I have a really hard time seeing a future for myself beyond the scope of panic attacks and mental health problems. Anyway, this got long, sad, and I way overshared. I said a lot of things I’ve never said before, I’ll probably delete this soon, but it feels really good to say and I just want to hear someone say it’s going to be okay :) if you read this far, thank you. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/3kHMD5R
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