"She's like a doll."
Passing by malls and tourist spots, I remember people pointing at me and my parent nodding them of their remarks. My father and mother would smile and buy me floral dresses because of it. In high school, I was invited to model for our local designers in the city.
Things went on like this until I graduated from college. Worked got the better of me. I grew big. And it seems like my parents weren't happy about this. Sometimes, my father would find excuses not to be seen with me in public. He would often belittle my job also - journalist > government worker > small-time business owner. He was never happy with what I do and he would share his disdain for my job with his friends.
If I get to bump with his friends, they would remind me of what my father would think about me. I think he could only forgive me or take me in if I were pretty again.
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Here's something I want you to know: I have PCOS and an ovarian tumor. It's benign. So, I'm fine. But, that's just it - I got fat. Proper eating and exercise for at least 20 minutes a day? It doesn't seem to work.
I guess I have hormonal imbalances since I was a kid - it turns out. At 4 years old, I was already hairy for a girl like me. My first menstruation happened when I was 7 years old. It stopped abruptly for years, but, my period returned when I was 10 years old. At 12 years old, my period started skipping for 2 months. It gradually became longer when I was in college and post-college. Sometimes, I only had my period 2 to 5 times in a year.
Was stress the reason why I have PCOS? LOL. At 4 years old? No. My OB said I could have probably been born with it. It's more of a development case.
Lately, though, there's been a new development - there's a huge probability that my PCOS is a result of stress indeed for a 4-year old girl. It's not developmental. I'm not sure how my OB guessed. Something about them taking my blood samples for hormones, knowing my stressors, and all - okay, I don't understand medical stuff, but, my OB deduced that it wasn't a developmental case.
My childhood stress? I was sexually abused. Twice at 4 years old. The first is my nanny. The second one was my dad's friend. Guess, being called a doll in public would invite perpetrators to molest a 4-year old kid, huh? My dad never knew. My mom would like to keep that part hushed up because my dad is kinda well-known around here. My family is well-known, that's why.
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I don't know. Right now. Everything's crashing down on my end. And it's more like a cycle kind of crashing.
My parents are ashamed of me because I'm fat.
I'm fat because I have PCOS and a tumor.
I have PCOS and a tumor as a result of my hormonal imbalance due to stress and trauma when I was sexually abused by my nanny and my father's friend.
Well, that's what I get when I was often called a doll by my parents, right?
I'm just angry about everything. I couldn't control what happened in the past. I could only do proper eating and exercise to get my weight back - though it's hard. Very, very, very hard. And, I find it hard to forgive the past or my parents for this matter. It adds to my stress.
I'm going to live a life of a healthy diet and exercise not for my parents anymore. I'm going to do it for myself. Hope to become successful and rub it on their faces by not saying any unkind words to them.
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PS. It's my cousin they like to rub on my face right now. For her beauty, accomplishments, etc. And she likes to pick on me with it as well. Geez. She would say she's my parents' favorite now and I'm just a fat nobody.
"She's like a doll."Passing by malls and tourist spots, I remember people pointing at me and my parent nodding them of their remarks. My father and mother would smile and buy me floral dresses because of it. In high school, I was invited to model for our local designers in the city.Things went on like this until I graduated from college. Worked got the better of me. I grew big. And it seems like my parents weren't happy about this. Sometimes, my father would find excuses not to be seen with me in public. He would often belittle my job also - journalist > government worker > small-time business owner. He was never happy with what I do and he would share his disdain for my job with his friends.If I get to bump with his friends, they would remind me of what my father would think about me. I think he could only forgive me or take me in if I were pretty again.----------------------------------------Here's something I want you to know: I have PCOS and an ovarian tumor. It's benign. So, I'm fine. But, that's just it - I got fat. Proper eating and exercise for at least 20 minutes a day? It doesn't seem to work.I guess I have hormonal imbalances since I was a kid - it turns out. At 4 years old, I was already hairy for a girl like me. My first menstruation happened when I was 7 years old. It stopped abruptly for years, but, my period returned when I was 10 years old. At 12 years old, my period started skipping for 2 months. It gradually became longer when I was in college and post-college. Sometimes, I only had my period 2 to 5 times in a year.Was stress the reason why I have PCOS? LOL. At 4 years old? No. My OB said I could have probably been born with it. It's more of a development case.Lately, though, there's been a new development - there's a huge probability that my PCOS is a result of stress indeed for a 4-year old girl. It's not developmental. I'm not sure how my OB guessed. Something about them taking my blood samples for hormones, knowing my stressors, and all - okay, I don't understand medical stuff, but, my OB deduced that it wasn't a developmental case.My childhood stress? I was sexually abused. Twice at 4 years old. The first is my nanny. The second one was my dad's friend. Guess, being called a doll in public would invite perpetrators to molest a 4-year old kid, huh? My dad never knew. My mom would like to keep that part hushed up because my dad is kinda well-known around here. My family is well-known, that's why.----------------------------------------I don't know. Right now. Everything's crashing down on my end. And it's more like a cycle kind of crashing.My parents are ashamed of me because I'm fat.I'm fat because I have PCOS and a tumor.I have PCOS and a tumor as a result of my hormonal imbalance due to stress and trauma when I was sexually abused by my nanny and my father's friend.Well, that's what I get when I was often called a doll by my parents, right?I'm just angry about everything. I couldn't control what happened in the past. I could only do proper eating and exercise to get my weight back - though it's hard. Very, very, very hard. And, I find it hard to forgive the past or my parents for this matter. It adds to my stress.I'm going to live a life of a healthy diet and exercise not for my parents anymore. I'm going to do it for myself. Hope to become successful and rub it on their faces by not saying any unkind words to them.----------------------------------------PS. It's my cousin they like to rub on my face right now. For her beauty, accomplishments, etc. And she likes to pick on me with it as well. Geez. She would say she's my parents' favorite now and I'm just a fat nobody. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2XaR3Ip
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