This is probably gonna be a long lost so thanks in advance for taking the time to read my vent.
I'm a 20 year old guy, have suffered with severe depression and moderate - severe anxiety for as long as I can remember, I also hate my weight and appearance. it goes through phases or waves or something of the sort. At times I forget it's there, like I'm fine but other times I can feel it about and then there are times where I'm in proper pain, I never forget what it's like.
Back in 2016 was probably my worst ever time in my life, alot of very bad things happened at the same time almost. Very close family dying which I had limited contact with due to living in a different country, and also my best friend who changed who I am properly fucked me up after ditching me overnight, combined with a few other lovely things like failure in my love life and the general hormonal imbalances would have played a part too I imagine. It took me about a year and a half or two to recover for the most part from all that, I'll never be 100% but I'm better than I was at the time. A very changed man, for the better I'd like to think but still very broken.
I live with my parents and as comfortable as that is from certain aspects, it drains me. Having to put up a constant happy front, or rather, not sad front as I don't generally show happiness anyway. I feel more at ease when I have the house to myself or am alone. I don't like sharing emotion with my family or most people anyway.
Lately I've been feeling not so well mentally. Stress is taking it's toll on me I would guess due to uni and working on my thesis for such while also having to deal with deadlines for units. I fear what's coming in life, when I graduate, it's like being pushed off the deep end into velvety darkness. Getting a job isn't going to be easy, it won't be well paid either and the overall logistics are pretty horrid if I do. I don't have a girlfriend, I have never had a girlfriend, not from lack of trying though. I've given up hope at this point as I see everyone else around me in a happy relationship, well paying jobs and so on. I don't see why people enjoy life and I'm really tired of living it, everyday that passes at the moment just feels more difficult than the last. I'm not suicidal, or at least yet but I won't be mainly due to not wanting to put my family through that horrendous ordeal. But I'm certainly not enjoying life.
If you would look at my life you'd think I'm doing alright. Big house, 2 cars, studying at uni, quite a few hobbies but on the inside I'm a broken man and I can never forget that. Sometimes something will happen or I'll see or hear something which triggers something in me that sets of a chain reaction and in turn brings on a depressive episode or something. Tail end of last year I had a terrifying panic attack while coming home from uni one day, I could feel it all building up slowly and it just happened. Like I said I go through episodes over the year, waves, phases, whatever you'd like to call it. There are decently long spans of time where I feel somewhat fine and it's like nothing is wrong with me, either because I'll be distracted enough day to day or just everything is alright more or less. There are days where I feel abit down but I carry on with life. But then there are those times where I just cease to function as a human being and a numbing feeling if dread and disdain takes over. I had one of those episodes just the other day which lasted a few days and I'm trying to recover from it. Everything just built up and then something triggered it which I'm abit embarrassed to bring up. This episode was a really powerful one and I hadn't felt quite this absolutely destroyed in a while. Couldn't get any work done, play anything, zero appetite, those usual things. The feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to. I just lied in bed feeling cold, or on my desk in front of my pc, absolutely dejected. The stress of looming deadlines and thesis progress was also seriously killing me. I'm not sure how I got out of that episode but I did, I fear it's not yet far away though. I look ahead and fear what's to come but I have to keep going. When I think about life I get somewhat scared as I remember it's all inherently meaningless and we dread having no meaning. I try to distract myself, I really do but it's not always possible.
I do have ambitions in life which I hopefully an actively working towards but I'm also actively failing at other things I desperately want to achieve and as time goes on it doesn't get any better. I'm sorry if this post was all over the place but this gives some insight into my thought. It's abit hard to note down my thoughts when it's all over the place and trying to adequately describe myself, which I feel I didn't quite get it down but still. I don't really know what to say about this, much like everything else in life. I don't know anymore. Thanks for reading.
This is probably gonna be a long lost so thanks in advance for taking the time to read my vent.I'm a 20 year old guy, have suffered with severe depression and moderate - severe anxiety for as long as I can remember, I also hate my weight and appearance. it goes through phases or waves or something of the sort. At times I forget it's there, like I'm fine but other times I can feel it about and then there are times where I'm in proper pain, I never forget what it's like.Back in 2016 was probably my worst ever time in my life, alot of very bad things happened at the same time almost. Very close family dying which I had limited contact with due to living in a different country, and also my best friend who changed who I am properly fucked me up after ditching me overnight, combined with a few other lovely things like failure in my love life and the general hormonal imbalances would have played a part too I imagine. It took me about a year and a half or two to recover for the most part from all that, I'll never be 100% but I'm better than I was at the time. A very changed man, for the better I'd like to think but still very broken.I live with my parents and as comfortable as that is from certain aspects, it drains me. Having to put up a constant happy front, or rather, not sad front as I don't generally show happiness anyway. I feel more at ease when I have the house to myself or am alone. I don't like sharing emotion with my family or most people anyway.Lately I've been feeling not so well mentally. Stress is taking it's toll on me I would guess due to uni and working on my thesis for such while also having to deal with deadlines for units. I fear what's coming in life, when I graduate, it's like being pushed off the deep end into velvety darkness. Getting a job isn't going to be easy, it won't be well paid either and the overall logistics are pretty horrid if I do. I don't have a girlfriend, I have never had a girlfriend, not from lack of trying though. I've given up hope at this point as I see everyone else around me in a happy relationship, well paying jobs and so on. I don't see why people enjoy life and I'm really tired of living it, everyday that passes at the moment just feels more difficult than the last. I'm not suicidal, or at least yet but I won't be mainly due to not wanting to put my family through that horrendous ordeal. But I'm certainly not enjoying life.If you would look at my life you'd think I'm doing alright. Big house, 2 cars, studying at uni, quite a few hobbies but on the inside I'm a broken man and I can never forget that. Sometimes something will happen or I'll see or hear something which triggers something in me that sets of a chain reaction and in turn brings on a depressive episode or something. Tail end of last year I had a terrifying panic attack while coming home from uni one day, I could feel it all building up slowly and it just happened. Like I said I go through episodes over the year, waves, phases, whatever you'd like to call it. There are decently long spans of time where I feel somewhat fine and it's like nothing is wrong with me, either because I'll be distracted enough day to day or just everything is alright more or less. There are days where I feel abit down but I carry on with life. But then there are those times where I just cease to function as a human being and a numbing feeling if dread and disdain takes over. I had one of those episodes just the other day which lasted a few days and I'm trying to recover from it. Everything just built up and then something triggered it which I'm abit embarrassed to bring up. This episode was a really powerful one and I hadn't felt quite this absolutely destroyed in a while. Couldn't get any work done, play anything, zero appetite, those usual things. The feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to. I just lied in bed feeling cold, or on my desk in front of my pc, absolutely dejected. The stress of looming deadlines and thesis progress was also seriously killing me. I'm not sure how I got out of that episode but I did, I fear it's not yet far away though. I look ahead and fear what's to come but I have to keep going. When I think about life I get somewhat scared as I remember it's all inherently meaningless and we dread having no meaning. I try to distract myself, I really do but it's not always possible.I do have ambitions in life which I hopefully an actively working towards but I'm also actively failing at other things I desperately want to achieve and as time goes on it doesn't get any better. I'm sorry if this post was all over the place but this gives some insight into my thought. It's abit hard to note down my thoughts when it's all over the place and trying to adequately describe myself, which I feel I didn't quite get it down but still. I don't really know what to say about this, much like everything else in life. I don't know anymore. Thanks for reading. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/3nWZC5b
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