This is going to be a long one.

I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and wanted to check with this community.

A bit about me:

I'm 17, Southern California, upper-middle class. Typical mother/father/brother/2 dogs family in a nice neighborhood, 2 story house. Father is a businessman, mother works as a lunch lady for my school and a nanny, brother is autistic (literally, I'm not being mean). Not related to any of them and don't feel any affection for them.

I was adopted at birth. My birth mother had me at 16, and decided she wasn't able to raise me in her current state. (From what I understand, she was doing a lot of drugs up until she became pregnant, after which she cut them off. She also had a hormone imbalance that was caused by, you know, being pregnant at 16, which caused bipolar episodes. She was a homeless runaway, some mental issues upstairs.) I have met her twice, once when I was too young to remember and another about a year back, when me and my current mom came up to visit.

Normally I hate physical contact. It feels like someone with wet hands touches bare skin, leaving behind a residue. I have to wipe it off. There have only been a few exceptions to this. However, when my birth mom hugged me it was positively overwhelming.

I also have never shared so much in common with anyone before, be it looks, voice, interests, personality, etc. She's probably the only person I love. Haven't seen her since. Needless to say I miss her. Definitely some post-adoption GSA going on there and I really don't know want advice on that unless you have a license.

I was diagnosed with depression, ADHD, and anxiety a while back. Currently on meds and seeing a therapist.

In terms of physical health, I'm slightly overweight but recently cut out all fast-food and soda before that. I also started exercising. My new diet consists of a poke bowl after work and intermittent fruit when I get too hungry to focus.

The thought of drugs instill me with pure revulsion. I have only a tolerance for weed, and even then I'm probably never going to do it again. Can't stand the taste of alcohol after some bad experiences as a stupid 9th grader.

​

Onto the symptoms:

My passions/career goals/ambitions/hobbies change rapidly. First I wanted to be a writer, then a game developer, then a software engineer, then a music producer, and currently, an artist.

I get extreme mood swings, ranging from hypersocial (extremely conversational, friendly, generous, etc.), reckless (speeding/racing, excessive spending), and manic behaviour (pleasure in high-speed multitasking situations, such as taking/handing out orders at the same time during a rush hour) (highs) to anxiety attacks (either a constant tug in my stomach or an extreme attack), extreme irritability and depressive episodes (these last two go hand in hand, when I feel depressed I get exceedingly irritable. Something triggers a depressive episode, such as seeing a couple, then I get irritated that I am alone, then more depressed) (lows). During these lows I have cut myself, usually as a distraction from the crushing despair within. I know that sounds cringe but I don't know another way to describe it, it really feels like my gut is being compressed (not physically, but emotionally) along with feelings of despair and self hate. I also like how sanitizer feels over my cuts. I never self-harm for attention, in fact I wear a hoodie 24/7.

These mood swings last from minutes to hours, the longest being a depressive episode that lasted the better part of a day and really sent me down a hole that took some effort and self control to crawl out of.

I have no real friends. Used to have a friend group of local neighborhood kids when I was in middle school, kinda broke contact. Too many memories.

I had one or two highschool friends, all of them bad, bad influences.

Met a few friends when I used to go to the youth group at the local church, lost contact.

Friends with a few co-workers, never speak outside of work.

There's one thing that I have noticed in all my relationships, it's that I tend to idealize them until I feel betrayed by the slightest "transgression", after which I hate them for a short period of time before forgiving them and starting the cycle again. These are inwardly directed feelings 90% of the time. The most outward I'll get is being short with them. However, my positive feelings for them are extremely outward.

If I am idealizing someone, I solve their problems, become extremely generous and protective of them, do everything I can to make them happy. Most of these actions are taken to prove my usefulness to them as a friend, because no one would like me for being me. Inwardly I admire them and enjoy their presence.

These feelings can reverse polarity in an instant. I think the latest example is this: for the last week, I was training the new hire, I really liked her, began idealizing. Offered to buy her food when she didn't have money, got her out of bad situations, took responsibility for her mistakes, and generally tried to do everything I can to make her comfortable in her first job. Inwardly, I was attracted to her personality and interests. Then one day, there's a miscommunication, not even a mistake on anyone's part and it was inconsequential. She gives me a dirty look, and that was all it took, instantly hated her. I felt betrayed, as I usually do when something like this happens.

Now for my manager/s, I maintain a bit more of a professional attitude, putting aside my idealizations and negative feelings in order to be a good employee and keep my job.

Anyways, I want to talk a bit about my self image. Sometimes when I see my reflection, I am content and even happy with how I look, while others I wonder how the mirror doesn't break. Thinking about the kind of person I am, sometimes I feel like I can accomplish great things, while others I feel like just another useless meat sack.

​

So, what's wrong with me? Do I need a diagnosis or am I just paranoid?

I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and wanted to check with this community.A bit about me:I'm 17, Southern California, upper-middle class. Typical mother/father/brother/2 dogs family in a nice neighborhood, 2 story house. Father is a businessman, mother works as a lunch lady for my school and a nanny, brother is autistic (literally, I'm not being mean). Not related to any of them and don't feel any affection for them.I was adopted at birth. My birth mother had me at 16, and decided she wasn't able to raise me in her current state. (From what I understand, she was doing a lot of drugs up until she became pregnant, after which she cut them off. She also had a hormone imbalance that was caused by, you know, being pregnant at 16, which caused bipolar episodes. She was a homeless runaway, some mental issues upstairs.) I have met her twice, once when I was too young to remember and another about a year back, when me and my current mom came up to visit.Normally I hate physical contact. It feels like someone with wet hands touches bare skin, leaving behind a residue. I have to wipe it off. There have only been a few exceptions to this. However, when my birth mom hugged me it was positively overwhelming.I also have never shared so much in common with anyone before, be it looks, voice, interests, personality, etc. She's probably the only person I love. Haven't seen her since. Needless to say I miss her. Definitely some post-adoption GSA going on there and I really don't know want advice on that unless you have a license.I was diagnosed with depression, ADHD, and anxiety a while back. Currently on meds and seeing a therapist.In terms of physical health, I'm slightly overweight but recently cut out all fast-food and soda before that. I also started exercising. My new diet consists of a poke bowl after work and intermittent fruit when I get too hungry to focus.The thought of drugs instill me with pure revulsion. I have only a tolerance for weed, and even then I'm probably never going to do it again. Can't stand the taste of alcohol after some bad experiences as a stupid 9th grader.​Onto the symptoms:My passions/career goals/ambitions/hobbies change rapidly. First I wanted to be a writer, then a game developer, then a software engineer, then a music producer, and currently, an artist.I get extreme mood swings, ranging from hypersocial (extremely conversational, friendly, generous, etc.), reckless (speeding/racing, excessive spending), and manic behaviour (pleasure in high-speed multitasking situations, such as taking/handing out orders at the same time during a rush hour) (highs) to anxiety attacks (either a constant tug in my stomach or an extreme attack), extreme irritability and depressive episodes (these last two go hand in hand, when I feel depressed I get exceedingly irritable. Something triggers a depressive episode, such as seeing a couple, then I get irritated that I am alone, then more depressed) (lows). During these lows I have cut myself, usually as a distraction from the crushing despair within. I know that sounds cringe but I don't know another way to describe it, it really feels like my gut is being compressed (not physically, but emotionally) along with feelings of despair and self hate. I also like how sanitizer feels over my cuts. I never self-harm for attention, in fact I wear a hoodie 24/7.These mood swings last from minutes to hours, the longest being a depressive episode that lasted the better part of a day and really sent me down a hole that took some effort and self control to crawl out of.I have no real friends. Used to have a friend group of local neighborhood kids when I was in middle school, kinda broke contact. Too many memories.I had one or two highschool friends, all of them bad, bad influences.Met a few friends when I used to go to the youth group at the local church, lost contact.Friends with a few co-workers, never speak outside of work.There's one thing that I have noticed in all my relationships, it's that I tend to idealize them until I feel betrayed by the slightest "transgression", after which I hate them for a short period of time before forgiving them and starting the cycle again. These are inwardly directed feelings 90% of the time. The most outward I'll get is being short with them. However, my positive feelings for them are extremely outward.If I am idealizing someone, I solve their problems, become extremely generous and protective of them, do everything I can to make them happy. Most of these actions are taken to prove my usefulness to them as a friend, because no one would like me for being me. Inwardly I admire them and enjoy their presence.These feelings can reverse polarity in an instant. I think the latest example is this: for the last week, I was training the new hire, I really liked her, began idealizing. Offered to buy her food when she didn't have money, got her out of bad situations, took responsibility for her mistakes, and generally tried to do everything I can to make her comfortable in her first job. Inwardly, I was attracted to her personality and interests. Then one day, there's a miscommunication, not even a mistake on anyone's part and it was inconsequential. She gives me a dirty look, and that was all it took, instantly hated her. I felt betrayed, as I usually do when something like this happens.Now for my manager/s, I maintain a bit more of a professional attitude, putting aside my idealizations and negative feelings in order to be a good employee and keep my job.Anyways, I want to talk a bit about my self image. Sometimes when I see my reflection, I am content and even happy with how I look, while others I wonder how the mirror doesn't break. Thinking about the kind of person I am, sometimes I feel like I can accomplish great things, while others I feel like just another useless meat sack.​So, what's wrong with me? Do I need a diagnosis or am I just paranoid? https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/3r7fkvL