Just need some validation because my mother favors my brother so much and dismisses everything I do for her as "volunteer" work and that I should just accept her snide passive aggressive comments. Typical Asian boys vs girls favoritism.
I just want to vent and have some external validation for my feelings (Not in the mood to really hear about how I should move out or any kind of advice right now just because of my current financial situation and emotional mindset atm.)
A little background: my dad and mother have always babied my brother and let him get away with ANYTHING. I was the scapegoat "older sister" who had to teach brother right from wrong but the whole family dynamic is centered around my brother. My dad passed away suddenly (not from COVID) and my mom and I have been having a tense relationship due to the fact that she favors my brother but she relies on me and keeps giving me passive aggressive snide comments.
I HATE making this whole me vs brother conversation because I don't want to hate my brother especially after my dad passed away. I want to have a relationship with him and my mother but they both always invalidate how I feel and underappreciate what I do. My brother has always lived his life doing whatever he wanted and not having to suffer any hardships or consequences. Examples = got parking tickets -> dad and mom paid for it (he got like so many parking tickets at college because he would go to school late and park in illegal spots cuz he couldn't find parking and had to go to class), in high school my dad would DO HIS HOMEWORK for him because he didn't want to do it and my dad was afraid of him failing his classes. My brother STOLE from his job and hasn't held a job for longer than 11 months because of reasons like "they make me do the dishes, they don't give me tips, the drive is too far, the pay is soo little". My brother has a nocturnal sleep schedule (sleep at 5AM, wake up at 2PM) and has told me straight to my face - "I don't do manual labor", "My friends are the family I choose", etc. He didn't even go to our dad's burial when he passed away because he just didn't feel like it. (Just to paint a picture of what he's like)
Because of my brother, I have always been my parent's "go to child". I don't mind helping my parents out if I wasn't treated with such disrespect. My dad would blame me for all of my brother's short-comings because I was his "big sister" and whenever I helped my mom out with chores, she would NITPICK and give me passive aggressive comments about how I do things, etc. When my dad passed away very suddenly, we were all very shocked, but I had to be the "man" of the household because my brother refused to step up and help around the house. I would do laundry, balance the check-book, help with funeral arrangements, pay bills on time, and just help my mom navigate the world now that my dad was gone. My mom developed severe anxiety after my dad passed and couldn't be left alone, so while my brother was out (pre-covid) hanging out with his friends, I would be at home with my mom and just helping her out with cooking, bills, laundry, etc. Before my dad died, I have my fair share of health problems - GAD, hormonal imbalances, migraines (these are just a few generic ones), but I always didn't mind helping out because I know my mom can't do it on her own.
After my dad passed, my mom has been using me as her personal scapegoat and has been treating me poorly. Whenever I speak out against it, she just becomes passive aggressive and starts comparing me and my brother. Her arguments = "whenever I ask your brother to do it, he doesn't complain", "if I'm being passive aggressive, you shouldn't get mad", etc. Mind you, my mother goes OUT OF HER WAY to serve my brother. She wakes him up before his work, cooks him food he likes (and puts the food and plates out for him), does his laundry, eats his leftovers. My brother will literally THROW HIS CLOTHES onto the floor and my mom will clean it up for him. Whenever I tell my mom not to stress about what to cook for my brother, she puts the whole "why do you hate your brother so much" card. Do I resent him - YES simply because I am taking all the hits due to him not helping out and my mom's attitude towards him is so DIFFERENT than how she treats me. For example, she constantly uses my age against me like "you're 2X years old, you should know how to heat up your own food/do your own laundry/etc" but when my brother messes up, it's literally "Oh K_____, -sighs-, my boy just doesn't know how to do this". When I ask her to ask my brother to help us with heavy lifting (mind you he's a pretty big guy - 5'10, 160lbs, goes to the gym regularly), she goes "Oh he slept late last night, it okay if you don't want to help, I can do it" (Mind you she's 5'3 and like 112 lbs trying to lift like furniture on her own). I care about my mom and she's honestly a great mom if she didn't nitpick and give attitude and passive aggressive comments, but I'm sick of constantly having arguments with my mom because she REFUSES to ask her son to help out and I'm the one handling her shit. YES I volunteer to do it BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT MY MOM AND DON'T WANT HER TO SUFFER, but that gets used against me when I bring it up (like oh you volunteer than don't complain) and if I don't help out that than that gets used against me (Your mom does all this for you and you guys don't help her out).
My brother has admitted to me that our mom and dad favor him and that he gets away with EVERYTHING and he knows our parents let him do WHATEVER. But whenever my mom and I get into a fight, he does NOTHING unless I am crying hysterically BEGGING him to say something to our mom because she takes her frustrations out on me. Even then all he does is listen to my problems, but he doesn't want to change anything about it. (I appreciate him listening to me but when you know the problem and you still won't do anything about it, that makes you part of the problem too) But my brother is also complicit with me being the scapegoat. There is no sibling dynamic because our parents have pitted us against each other and all of the people who know our family ALSO know that my brother doesn't do anything for us and doesn't say anything to my mom about it. I'm constantly living in a world where even strangers and external family deny my feelings because I should "move out", or "don't let it get to me" or "be the stronger person". I have done my fair share of not doing anything around the house because I kept being underappreciated and my mom just starts using that against me and than my mom gets hurt, guilt-trips me and than I have to start helping out again. Like I am also struggling with my own loss after my dad died but I have to be the "strong one" and everyone just dismisses what I do and it just makes me feel even more inadequate. I'm just so sick and tired of this BULLSHIT sons vs daughters treatment when daughters are the ones that take care of their parents better than entitled coddled sons but daughters are always treated like the scapegoat. Well as SAT always says "the hardest job in a Asian household is being the eldest daughter".
Thank you for listening and I just wanted to vent/rant.
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