My body sucks?

I might have PCOS.

I went into the doctors, complaining about super irregular periods. I thought that she'd just tell me to stop taking my acne medication, that they were causing hormonal imbalances.

Normally, I'm the type to always assume the worst when it comes to my health. You know, the person who googles their symptoms and has a whole list of possible diagnoses from most to least likely.

But this time I just went in, expecting to be told my acne medication was causing more harm than good. I even had my reaction ready - I was going to be upset that my acne would most probably flare up again, I'd even argue with those around me that I didn't care about anything else, I just didn't want to look into the mirror and see red, swollen painful cysts all over my face anymore. But I would eventually just quit the meds.

I don't know. I've done some research about PCOS, and it doesn't cause COMPLETE infertility. People still conceive, IVF also has a chance of helping. Sure, it doesn't make things any easier, but it doesn't completely close the door on parenthood.

But, being a mother is something I've dreamt about forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm still way too young to seriously consider pregnancy or motherhood or any of that. I've still got a list of things I want to check off before considering any of that, but it's all I've ever dreamt about.

I've had a list of baby names all planned out since I was like 14. You know that fantasy world a lot of people dream about while trying to fall asleep? Mine was being in a happy and healthy relationship, with two children, promising myself dumb shit like how I would never 'babytalk' to my children. I'd only talk to them in complete sentences, I'd read to them every night, just like my mum did to me.

I'd dream of them knowing how to talk before they learnt how to walk, just like I did, and people would comment about how much they take after me.

It's stupid. I know. My results haven't even come back yet. It might be something else. But I can't help but feel so upset and angry and hopeless. I know there are people who have it a whole lot worse than me. I'm a stupid 18 year old who doesn't even know about the tip of the iceberg when it comes to actually being responsible for another human life. I'm basing all of this anger and frustration on stupid, immature dreams.

And don't even get me started on how much angrier it makes me to see my mum act all logic and reasonable. Telling me that nothing has actually happened yet. I don't even know for sure. But it seriously feels like all my dreams have been shattered.

I was already diagnosed with type-1 diabetes when I was really small. I thought that would be it. The universe has given me the burden of trying to manage and control my blood glucose levels and all the other bullshit that comes with it, I thought that was my share of shitty health. Maybe I'd develop some other shit later on, but besides that, everything would be fine.

I'm basing my emotions and my self-esteem on my ovaries and the hormones my body produces. Which is really dumb. I'm overplaying my emotions. I'm exaggerating. I know. I'm embarrassed even typing this shit out, but holy fuck am I just confused and frightened.

I might have PCOS.I went into the doctors, complaining about super irregular periods. I thought that she'd just tell me to stop taking my acne medication, that they were causing hormonal imbalances.Normally, I'm the type to always assume the worst when it comes to my health. You know, the person who googles their symptoms and has a whole list of possible diagnoses from most to least likely.But this time I just went in, expecting to be told my acne medication was causing more harm than good. I even had my reaction ready - I was going to be upset that my acne would most probably flare up again, I'd even argue with those around me that I didn't care about anything else, I just didn't want to look into the mirror and see red, swollen painful cysts all over my face anymore. But I would eventually just quit the meds.I don't know. I've done some research about PCOS, and it doesn't cause COMPLETE infertility. People still conceive, IVF also has a chance of helping. Sure, it doesn't make things any easier, but it doesn't completely close the door on parenthood.But, being a mother is something I've dreamt about forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm still way too young to seriously consider pregnancy or motherhood or any of that. I've still got a list of things I want to check off before considering any of that, but it's all I've ever dreamt about.I've had a list of baby names all planned out since I was like 14. You know that fantasy world a lot of people dream about while trying to fall asleep? Mine was being in a happy and healthy relationship, with two children, promising myself dumb shit like how I would never 'babytalk' to my children. I'd only talk to them in complete sentences, I'd read to them every night, just like my mum did to me.I'd dream of them knowing how to talk before they learnt how to walk, just like I did, and people would comment about how much they take after me.It's stupid. I know. My results haven't even come back yet. It might be something else. But I can't help but feel so upset and angry and hopeless. I know there are people who have it a whole lot worse than me. I'm a stupid 18 year old who doesn't even know about the tip of the iceberg when it comes to actually being responsible for another human life. I'm basing all of this anger and frustration on stupid, immature dreams.And don't even get me started on how much angrier it makes me to see my mum act all logic and reasonable. Telling me that nothing has actually happened yet. I don't even know for sure. But it seriously feels like all my dreams have been shattered.I was already diagnosed with type-1 diabetes when I was really small. I thought that would be it. The universe has given me the burden of trying to manage and control my blood glucose levels and all the other bullshit that comes with it, I thought that was my share of shitty health. Maybe I'd develop some other shit later on, but besides that, everything would be fine.I'm basing my emotions and my self-esteem on my ovaries and the hormones my body produces. Which is really dumb. I'm overplaying my emotions. I'm exaggerating. I know. I'm embarrassed even typing this shit out, but holy fuck am I just confused and frightened. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/2R9g8n4