I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since i was a teenager. I've never been close to actually going through with it, but the thoughts are persistent and have never left me.
My reasons are very selfish. And maybe even shallow.
I'm from a very conservative, religious family. I can't make my own decisions, i can't be who I am, i can't do what i like because I'm too scared of the consequences. My dad has hit and beat me before, i am terrified of them. I get mistreated like I'm their personal maid, while my brothers get unconditional love. I can't do anything right. My only purpose is to live out my mom's plans and wishes.
I have ADHD. It makes almost everything much harder for me. I struggle with making and keeping friends. I'm not exactly a hermit but most people I know are just acquaintances and nothing more. Tasks and assignments seem like impossibilities to my ape brain. I struggle with impulsive spending. I struggle with addiction. My family denies that i even have adhd bc it doesn't fit into their perfect social Image they need to keep up. I'm a chore to them, so i should not bother them any longer.
I am a woman and i have a fucking mustache plus neck beard. It's due to a hormonal imbalance caused by PCOS. it might seem like a small issue, but it's so hard for me. I have to pluck it every day and I'm in constant fear that i missed some hairs or that someone will notice my chicken skin and figure it out. I fucking hate it so much. If everything else was perfect and i had just this problem I'd still want to end it. That's how much it affects me. Every day.
The pandemic has really not helped at all. Most people got used to it by now but I'm still struggling with it. Im left alone with all these thoughts and i can't escape them.
I have been working so hard. I got into a prestigious uni. I'm doing very well. I've lost a ton of weight over the last year. I've started working out. I've made some new friends. I've really tried my best. I've really done all i can.
So why. do i. still. feel. so fucking. terrible. I fucking hate myself. I'm so tired. Maybe it's just time to finally listen to the thoughts.
I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since i was a teenager. I've never been close to actually going through with it, but the thoughts are persistent and have never left me.My reasons are very selfish. And maybe even shallow.I'm from a very conservative, religious family. I can't make my own decisions, i can't be who I am, i can't do what i like because I'm too scared of the consequences. My dad has hit and beat me before, i am terrified of them. I get mistreated like I'm their personal maid, while my brothers get unconditional love. I can't do anything right. My only purpose is to live out my mom's plans and wishes.I have ADHD. It makes almost everything much harder for me. I struggle with making and keeping friends. I'm not exactly a hermit but most people I know are just acquaintances and nothing more. Tasks and assignments seem like impossibilities to my ape brain. I struggle with impulsive spending. I struggle with addiction. My family denies that i even have adhd bc it doesn't fit into their perfect social Image they need to keep up. I'm a chore to them, so i should not bother them any longer.I am a woman and i have a fucking mustache plus neck beard. It's due to a hormonal imbalance caused by PCOS. it might seem like a small issue, but it's so hard for me. I have to pluck it every day and I'm in constant fear that i missed some hairs or that someone will notice my chicken skin and figure it out. I fucking hate it so much. If everything else was perfect and i had just this problem I'd still want to end it. That's how much it affects me. Every day.The pandemic has really not helped at all. Most people got used to it by now but I'm still struggling with it. Im left alone with all these thoughts and i can't escape them.I have been working so hard. I got into a prestigious uni. I'm doing very well. I've lost a ton of weight over the last year. I've started working out. I've made some new friends. I've really tried my best. I've really done all i can.So why. do i. still. feel. so fucking. terrible. I fucking hate myself. I'm so tired. Maybe it's just time to finally listen to the thoughts. https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/3BtazSx
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