Marriage Problems After First Baby - Why Is My Marriage Failing After Having A Baby

Marriage problems after first baby: Why is my marriage failing after having a baby.

After nine - or more - long months of waiting, you hold a bundle of joy and perfection in your arms. You gaze at the baby in amazement. Your husband gazes at the baby in amazement. And you think, "Finally, we are a happy, perfect family."

Then you go home. You wake up ten times a night - sometimes because the baby is crying and sometimes because the baby hasn't cried for longer than usual and you want to make sure he or she is still breathing. Every outfit you own, from your grungy bathrobe to the evening grown you grabbed because you were out of clean clothes in three days, is covered with either spitup or diaper blowouts. You forgot what your brush looks like. You shower between 3:15 and 3:30 in the morning - or in the afternoon - whenever the baby is asleep. Life is hard.

During the insanity that comes with juggling a new baby, your husband, once perfect, finds he can do nothing right. You're grouchy because of lack of sleep - and if you chose to breastfeed, there's just no way your husband can help. Sure, he brings the baby to you, but then he crashes blissfully and you wind up staring daggers as you nurse. You're cranky because somehow every form of explosive seems to land on you, and it feels like he almost never gets hit. And your sad and crying because...because...well, you don't know why, but he should just understand and deal with it!

Having a baby will definitely change your life, but you should also remember that it will change your marriage. Not only will evenings out now have to be planned and babysitters called, not only will quiet time become worth more than your weight in gold, not only will meal times soon become humorous messes as you encourage a growing child to eat (this takes almost ten years), but the dynamics of the relationship with your husband will change, as well.

The first few months, possibly as long as a year, your entire emotional outlook will change. By now, you are familiar with the hormonal imbalances of pregnancy, and you probably know that the possibility of continued insanity exists after the baby arrives. Perhaps your husband expects things to remain much as they were throughout pregnancy. However, exhaustion and life-changes will complicate this beyond what you experienced while the baby still lived inside you. Furthermore, while most husbands only need a second to look at your protruding stomach, think "oh yeah, she's pregnant", and remember to give you a hug, for some reason they can't make the same connection once the baby lives outside you. The less emotional sex by far, most men seem to have a hard time with the idea that you can't just 'get a grip' on whatever is making you cry. If you have problems with depression or overemotional issues during regular PMS, start prepping your husband around the first trimester. Let him know that you will continue to be an emotional wreck after the baby is born, and that you will need his love, support, and help. At the same time, make sure you acknowldge the things he does to help. The one diaper he changes may not seem like much compared to the ten you change all day, but if you criticize, you will decrease the chances of getting more help. No matter how blue you may feel, try to remain positive when noticing your husband's efforts; you'll be amazed at how much that can keep things running smoothly in your marriage.

Also, if you already know you are likely to have serious emotional problems, set up an appointment with a counselor. Tell a close friend that you are apt to need a shoulder to cry on. Talk to your pastor, priest, or bishop at church. When you get to the stage of the baby blues, you won't want to make the effort to talk to anyone, so if you take steps beforehand, it will make an enormous difference.

You might also find the pressure on your primary income earner - either your husband or yourself - increasing after pregnancy. Suddenly, he is no longer responsible for two adults, either of whom could take a second or third job if things get tough. Now he has to make sure a tiny, needy child receives food, shelter, and clothing at all time. Perhaps he increases his hours at work, not just for extra money but for job security. Maybe he learns to accept office politics he always hated so as not to find himself unemployed. He may even wind up taking a job he despises and come home cranky because of it. All of these are possibilities, and what he needs is support.

Babies bless our lives and bring so much joy and love into our home, but they can change even the best of relationships. As with any marriage, you will need time and dedicated effort to overcome any problems, and you should resolve conflicts immediately, rather than letting them fester inside. Continue to work hard on your marriage and your relationship with one another, despite the increased difficulties in doing so, and your marriage will bloom and grow.

To learn how to save your marriage even if alone at first, then check out this plan of actions that is 100% guaranteed. Over 60,000 couples were able to save their marriages by doing the very same series of steps that you could be doing. If they saved their marriages then you can too! Click Here to see how it's done...

Do you ever feel like the only way to resolve a conflict is by slamming the door and walking away? Or by punishing your partner? It doesn't have to be this way. Find out incredibly powerful strategies for resolving your marriage conflicts in a more constructive and less emotionally stressful way - Find out here

---------------------------------------------------

I have a friend who loves to play the role of what I call: Change Optimist. Every time someone in her life goes through a shift--a lost job, a move, marriage--she turns into a cheerleader for new beginnings:

Your boss was awful. The next job's going to be the golden ticket.

This neighborhood is so much better than the last one.

Single life sucks. Married life rules!

I appreciate her enthusiasm. I really do.

It's just that, as time goes by, I'm increasingly uneasy with minimizing what-was to make room for what's-starting.

William Bridges, an expert in this kind of stuff, makes a great distinction. He says that change is an external action or event--like, say, having a baby--whereas transition is "the inner reorientation and self-definition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life." Yep, like becoming a parent.

Here's the rub: If we don't make that inner transition, if we don't pay as much attention to what we're letting go of as we do to what we're inviting in, then change will be stressful, unsatisfying, or it just plain won't work.

I think a lot of us parents are suffering from transition whiplash.

Amy*, a working mother to a 3-month old son, thinks she has yet to fully transition to being a mom. In fact, she suspects that because so many women (and men) leap into parenthood, without truly acknowledging what we're leaving behind, skipping that internal step might contribute to postpartum depression.

I don't know if Amy's right about PPD, but her perspective echoes Bridges' simple message: We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new one.

The whole idea of letting go sounds a lot easier than it is, especially for those of us who choose to have kids, never mind struggle with fertility.

It seems that in the very act of choosing to become parents, we're no longer permitted to long for our childless pasts. In other words, we asked for it, so get over it.

It's no wonder that talking fondly about what we loved about our lives and relationships prior to parenthood can start to feel suspect or outright taboo.

We worry that missing what-was negates, undermines or somehow disrespects what-is: namely, our baby, our parenting efforts, our current lives.

So much so that--even if we secretly yearn for a time before parenthood--if our spouses dare to utter that sentiment out loud, we sometimes lash out, get defensive, accuse them of not embracing the present, of shirking responsibility, yada, yada.

Yet the truth is that we have every right--and according to Bridges every need--to mourn and celebrate what we're saying goodbye to, not only because it deserves our attention, but more importantly because our future fulfillment, both as individuals and as a couple, depends on it.

All of this fits perfectly with a great exercise called Myth Change thatI learned in my relationship coach training. Simply put, it helps us navigate transitions.

So whether you're expecting your first child, or already have a family, ask each other a couple of questions to ease your transition to parenthood. And do your best to listen with compassion, curiosity and openness; meaning, listen how you'd like to be listened to. One more thing, hold off on going into fix-it mode:

What do you want to celebrate and acknowledge about yourself, your life and our relationship before we became parents?

What do you miss (or imagine you will miss) about yourself, your life and our relationship from that time before we became parents?

After you've heard each other out, ask: What past experiences or attitudes do you want to maintain or reintroduce into our lives as parents?

Now, together, think of 1 or 2 ways you can honor each other's requests, even if that means honoring, say, 80% or 60% or as little as 10% of what's being asked.

Why? Because sometimes our transitions into new experiences, like parenting, benefit from nurturing a wee bit of our past so we can better embrace our new roles, and each other, in the present.

*Name/specifics have been changed.

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage. There are powerful techniques that will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Click Here to discover how to save your marriage today!

There are specific techniques that will show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your spouse back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying... Visit Save The Marriage to find out more.

​

​

​

You May Also Like

How To Stop Being Unhappy In A Marriage

How To Make Interfaith Marriages Work

I Slapped My Husband And He Hit Me Back

My Wife Doesn’t Say Where She Goes

Marriage problems after first baby: Why is my marriage failing after having a baby.After nine - or more - long months of waiting, you hold a bundle of joy and perfection in your arms. You gaze at the baby in amazement. Your husband gazes at the baby in amazement. And you think, "Finally, we are a happy, perfect family."Then you go home. You wake up ten times a night - sometimes because the baby is crying and sometimes because the baby hasn't cried for longer than usual and you want to make sure he or she is still breathing. Every outfit you own, from your grungy bathrobe to the evening grown you grabbed because you were out of clean clothes in three days, is covered with either spitup or diaper blowouts. You forgot what your brush looks like. You shower between 3:15 and 3:30 in the morning - or in the afternoon - whenever the baby is asleep. Life is hard.During the insanity that comes with juggling a new baby, your husband, once perfect, finds he can do nothing right. You're grouchy because of lack of sleep - and if you chose to breastfeed, there's just no way your husband can help. Sure, he brings the baby to you, but then he crashes blissfully and you wind up staring daggers as you nurse. You're cranky because somehow every form of explosive seems to land on you, and it feels like he almost never gets hit. And your sad and crying because...because...well, you don't know why, but he should just understand and deal with it!Having a baby will definitely change your life, but you should also remember that it will change your marriage. Not only will evenings out now have to be planned and babysitters called, not only will quiet time become worth more than your weight in gold, not only will meal times soon become humorous messes as you encourage a growing child to eat (this takes almost ten years), but the dynamics of the relationship with your husband will change, as well.The first few months, possibly as long as a year, your entire emotional outlook will change. By now, you are familiar with the hormonal imbalances of pregnancy, and you probably know that the possibility of continued insanity exists after the baby arrives. Perhaps your husband expects things to remain much as they were throughout pregnancy. However, exhaustion and life-changes will complicate this beyond what you experienced while the baby still lived inside you. Furthermore, while most husbands only need a second to look at your protruding stomach, think "oh yeah, she's pregnant", and remember to give you a hug, for some reason they can't make the same connection once the baby lives outside you. The less emotional sex by far, most men seem to have a hard time with the idea that you can't just 'get a grip' on whatever is making you cry. If you have problems with depression or overemotional issues during regular PMS, start prepping your husband around the first trimester. Let him know that you will continue to be an emotional wreck after the baby is born, and that you will need his love, support, and help. At the same time, make sure you acknowldge the things he does to help. The one diaper he changes may not seem like much compared to the ten you change all day, but if you criticize, you will decrease the chances of getting more help. No matter how blue you may feel, try to remain positive when noticing your husband's efforts; you'll be amazed at how much that can keep things running smoothly in your marriage.Also, if you already know you are likely to have serious emotional problems, set up an appointment with a counselor. Tell a close friend that you are apt to need a shoulder to cry on. Talk to your pastor, priest, or bishop at church. When you get to the stage of the baby blues, you won't want to make the effort to talk to anyone, so if you take steps beforehand, it will make an enormous difference.You might also find the pressure on your primary income earner - either your husband or yourself - increasing after pregnancy. Suddenly, he is no longer responsible for two adults, either of whom could take a second or third job if things get tough. Now he has to make sure a tiny, needy child receives food, shelter, and clothing at all time. Perhaps he increases his hours at work, not just for extra money but for job security. Maybe he learns to accept office politics he always hated so as not to find himself unemployed. He may even wind up taking a job he despises and come home cranky because of it. All of these are possibilities, and what he needs is support.Babies bless our lives and bring so much joy and love into our home, but they can change even the best of relationships. As with any marriage, you will need time and dedicated effort to overcome any problems, and you should resolve conflicts immediately, rather than letting them fester inside. Continue to work hard on your marriage and your relationship with one another, despite the increased difficulties in doing so, and your marriage will bloom and grow.To learn how to save your marriage even if alone at first, then check out this plan of actions that is 100% guaranteed. Over 60,000 couples were able to save their marriages by doing the very same series of steps that you could be doing. If they saved their marriages then you can too! Click Here to see how it's done...Do you ever feel like the only way to resolve a conflict is by slamming the door and walking away? Or by punishing your partner? It doesn't have to be this way. Find out incredibly powerful strategies for resolving your marriage conflicts in a more constructive and less emotionally stressful way - Find out here---------------------------------------------------I have a friend who loves to play the role of what I call: Change Optimist. Every time someone in her life goes through a shift--a lost job, a move, marriage--she turns into a cheerleader for new beginnings:Your boss was awful. The next job's going to be the golden ticket.This neighborhood is so much better than the last one.Single life sucks. Married life rules!I appreciate her enthusiasm. I really do.It's just that, as time goes by, I'm increasingly uneasy with minimizing what-was to make room for what's-starting.William Bridges, an expert in this kind of stuff, makes a great distinction. He says that change is an external action or event--like, say, having a baby--whereas transition is "the inner reorientation and self-definition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life." Yep, like becoming a parent.Here's the rub: If we don't make that inner transition, if we don't pay as much attention to what we're letting go of as we do to what we're inviting in, then change will be stressful, unsatisfying, or it just plain won't work.I think a lot of us parents are suffering from transition whiplash.Amy*, a working mother to a 3-month old son, thinks she has yet to fully transition to being a mom. In fact, she suspects that because so many women (and men) leap into parenthood, without truly acknowledging what we're leaving behind, skipping that internal step might contribute to postpartum depression.I don't know if Amy's right about PPD, but her perspective echoes Bridges' simple message: We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new one.The whole idea of letting go sounds a lot easier than it is, especially for those of us who choose to have kids, never mind struggle with fertility.It seems that in the very act of choosing to become parents, we're no longer permitted to long for our childless pasts. In other words, we asked for it, so get over it.It's no wonder that talking fondly about what we loved about our lives and relationships prior to parenthood can start to feel suspect or outright taboo.We worry that missing what-was negates, undermines or somehow disrespects what-is: namely, our baby, our parenting efforts, our current lives.So much so that--even if we secretly yearn for a time before parenthood--if our spouses dare to utter that sentiment out loud, we sometimes lash out, get defensive, accuse them of not embracing the present, of shirking responsibility, yada, yada.Yet the truth is that we have every right--and according to Bridges every need--to mourn and celebrate what we're saying goodbye to, not only because it deserves our attention, but more importantly because our future fulfillment, both as individuals and as a couple, depends on it.All of this fits perfectly with a great exercise called Myth Change thatI learned in my relationship coach training. Simply put, it helps us navigate transitions.So whether you're expecting your first child, or already have a family, ask each other a couple of questions to ease your transition to parenthood. And do your best to listen with compassion, curiosity and openness; meaning, listen how you'd like to be listened to. One more thing, hold off on going into fix-it mode:What do you want to celebrate and acknowledge about yourself, your life and our relationship before we became parents?What do you miss (or imagine you will miss) about yourself, your life and our relationship from that time before we became parents?After you've heard each other out, ask: What past experiences or attitudes do you want to maintain or reintroduce into our lives as parents?Now, together, think of 1 or 2 ways you can honor each other's requests, even if that means honoring, say, 80% or 60% or as little as 10% of what's being asked.Why? Because sometimes our transitions into new experiences, like parenting, benefit from nurturing a wee bit of our past so we can better embrace our new roles, and each other, in the present.*Name/specifics have been changed.50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage. There are powerful techniques that will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Click Here to discover how to save your marriage today!There are specific techniques that will show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your spouse back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying... Visit Save The Marriage to find out more.​​​You May Also LikeHow To Stop Being Unhappy In A MarriageHow To Make Interfaith Marriages WorkI Slapped My Husband And He Hit Me BackMy Wife Doesn’t Say Where She Goes https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/38tEptn