And that's okay. I see trans people all the time at work, and I cannot be more proud and happy to see them proud and happy. Don't get me wrong, transness isn't something to be ashamed of; in fact, it should be celebrated. But not my transness.
There was a trans guy at a restaurant at the mall I work at wearing a name tag that read a very masculine name and a trans flag face mask. As I left, I said something along the lines of "thank you sir," and walking away I saw them melt. Tears to their eyes, hands to their face, nodding and smiling so hard under his mask. I felt that trans joy. The glee of being gendered correctly, and the ecstasy of being seen.
But I cannot feel that way about myself. I am so disgusted by the fact that people ever knew me or treated me as female. Those many years of my life were horrid, and I wish to rarely revisit them. I am not ashamed of my transness, but it's not an identity to me. To me, it is simply a medical condition. I have hormone imbalances and odd growths on my chest because of those hormone imbalances. There was a fault in my gene code that created a chromosomal and hormonally female body and a male brain.
It's not anybody's fault, either. I could blame God, but it died millennia ago. I could blame my mother's and father's genetics, but they had my siblings who are healthy and cis. There is no fault, it just is.
It just is. To me, my transness is a hurdle, not my race. I envy those that are proud of who they are and who don't care who knows it. I don't feel Trans, I am just trans. It's medical information that I will likely not with anyone but those who need to know.
I don't want this to read as pretentious, but this is how I see myself. And when I see guys on here revel about effects of T or their surgeries, I am so profoundly happy for them. Sure, I'm a little jealous, but who isn't? None of that changes the fact that I don't want to and don't celebrate my transness. I want to transition and be done.
Does anyone else feel like this?
And that's okay. I see trans people all the time at work, and I cannot be more proud and happy to see them proud and happy. Don't get me wrong, transness isn't something to be ashamed of; in fact, it should be celebrated. But not my transness.There was a trans guy at a restaurant at the mall I work at wearing a name tag that read a very masculine name and a trans flag face mask. As I left, I said something along the lines of "thank you sir," and walking away I saw them melt. Tears to their eyes, hands to their face, nodding and smiling so hard under his mask. I felt that trans joy. The glee of being gendered correctly, and the ecstasy of being seen.But I cannot feel that way about myself. I am so disgusted by the fact that people ever knew me or treated me as female. Those many years of my life were horrid, and I wish to rarely revisit them. I am not ashamed of my transness, but it's not an identity to me. To me, it is simply a medical condition. I have hormone imbalances and odd growths on my chest because of those hormone imbalances. There was a fault in my gene code that created a chromosomal and hormonally female body and a male brain.It's not anybody's fault, either. I could blame God, but it died millennia ago. I could blame my mother's and father's genetics, but they had my siblings who are healthy and cis. There is no fault, it just is.It just is. To me, my transness is a hurdle, not my race. I envy those that are proud of who they are and who don't care who knows it. I don't feel Trans, I am just trans. It's medical information that I will likely not with anyone but those who need to know.I don't want this to read as pretentious, but this is how I see myself. And when I see guys on here revel about effects of T or their surgeries, I am so profoundly happy for them. Sure, I'm a little jealous, but who isn't? None of that changes the fact that I don't want to and don't celebrate my transness. I want to transition and be done.Does anyone else feel like this? https://ift.tt/eA8V8J https://ift.tt/3ok07JH
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