Life just gets heavier and heavier. The past year, I’ve been trying to recuperate from a prostatectomy after a prostate cancer diagnosis. I knew I would not be happy after that surgery. But, the end result of my diagnosis is, I’m incurable. I’m taking hormone treatments, chemo drugs, and steroids to suppress the cancers growth. It works, but for <10 years before you succumb to cancer. So without a cure, I’m waiting for that to happen.
I knew going into the treatment i should plan on the worst case scenario of a 2 year recovery from the surgery. I had my head wrapped around that. I knew I’d hate it. I knew I’d hate the hormone therapy.
Once I got there, it’s been a struggle, since everything is harder. Things weren’t great before that. Now they are worse. Before I had a hopeful outlook on the next ten years. Now, that hope is diminishing. I’m just looking forward to the end.
I know I’m depressed and I have zero interest in seeing a therapist. Little mental exercises and homework to think positive aren’t going to help. Fuck that, I’d feel it would be condescending. I don’t want drugs to cope. I’m already neutered physically, I don’t want that mentally. I don’t have a chemical imbalance. I just realize my place in the world. I’m a statistic and don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. I was just here to replicate and move over.
I’m doing the things I like to do. But, I grow frustrated by those things at times. I know I can’t do them as well as I can and I’m reaching an impasse on how much I can accomplish before the decade of life is over and I’ll be possibly dying.
My kids, I want them to ducking engage with me and do things together. I’m doing things with my dad, so he has that for when I’m gone. But they are teens and wrapped up in their own world. They always were.
I don’t feel I’m bad with them. I meet lots of kids In my hobbies and i enjoy spending time helping them and they seem to enjoy hanging out with me. I’m not unapproachable. I try to engage them, but crickets from ‘em, unless they want something. It’s partially the age, but this is ridiculous at times.
Anyways, I always felt like I’d have been happier being never born. That thought just gets louder in my head everyday.
All I have to do is stop taking my meds and I’ll be heading towards oblivion in no time. It will be sad and scary, but fuck, it will feel so good to not have anymore consciousness. No worries and no more struggling.
I do think, once I finally breakdown and cry, that’s it. I’ve been broken. I’m almost there. I haven’t yet since December 24 of last year when I woke up in completely discomfort of the recovery situation and a tube shoved up my urethra, hoping it would be removed that day and it would stop feeling like my dick was going to fall off.
Life just gets heavier and heavier. The past year, I’ve been trying to recuperate from a prostatectomy after a prostate cancer diagnosis. I knew I would not be happy after that surgery. But, the end result of my diagnosis is, I’m incurable. I’m taking hormone treatments, chemo drugs, and steroids to suppress the cancers growth. It works, but for <10 years before you succumb to cancer. So without a cure, I’m waiting for that to happen.I knew going into the treatment i should plan on the worst case scenario of a 2 year recovery from the surgery. I had my head wrapped around that. I knew I’d hate it. I knew I’d hate the hormone therapy.Once I got there, it’s been a struggle, since everything is harder. Things weren’t great before that. Now they are worse. Before I had a hopeful outlook on the next ten years. Now, that hope is diminishing. I’m just looking forward to the end.I know I’m depressed and I have zero interest in seeing a therapist. Little mental exercises and homework to think positive aren’t going to help. Fuck that, I’d feel it would be condescending. I don’t want drugs to cope. I’m already neutered physically, I don’t want that mentally. I don’t have a chemical imbalance. I just realize my place in the world. I’m a statistic and don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. I was just here to replicate and move over.I’m doing the things I like to do. But, I grow frustrated by those things at times. I know I can’t do them as well as I can and I’m reaching an impasse on how much I can accomplish before the decade of life is over and I’ll be possibly dying.My kids, I want them to ducking engage with me and do things together. I’m doing things with my dad, so he has that for when I’m gone. But they are teens and wrapped up in their own world. They always were.I don’t feel I’m bad with them. I meet lots of kids In my hobbies and i enjoy spending time helping them and they seem to enjoy hanging out with me. I’m not unapproachable. I try to engage them, but crickets from ‘em, unless they want something. It’s partially the age, but this is ridiculous at times.Anyways, I always felt like I’d have been happier being never born. That thought just gets louder in my head everyday.All I have to do is stop taking my meds and I’ll be heading towards oblivion in no time. It will be sad and scary, but fuck, it will feel so good to not have anymore consciousness. No worries and no more struggling.I do think, once I finally breakdown and cry, that’s it. I’ve been broken. I’m almost there. I haven’t yet since December 24 of last year when I woke up in completely discomfort of the recovery situation and a tube shoved up my urethra, hoping it would be removed that day and it would stop feeling like my dick was going to fall off. http://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png https://www.reddit.com/r/depressed/comments/rs4rlb/im_feeling_that_if_i_ever_get_to_the_point_i/?utm_source=ifttt
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