Coming to terms with the fact I might be asexual hurts alot more than coming to terms with being gay.
Hey guys I'm very new to this so I apologize is I say anything I'm not supposed to but I have to get this off my chest and think this might be the only place where people can understand or help me. I'm not sure if trigger warnings are necessary here but I get kinda graphic sexually in my explanation.
So I've known I was gay for a long time. I had a huge crush on a guy from sixth grade to tenth grade. But I don't even remember struggling too hard with that. I accepted it and was like people are gay so at least I'll fit in with those people. I'm 22 and this past April I lost my virginity to a guy I met on grindr (problematic I know).
Before I met this guy I was the most literal the most virgin you could be. Never been kissed, been flirted with, or even winked at by a person of either sex. I was nervous that I was gonna be so nervous when he showed up. He comes into my apartment and I feel... nothing. No elevated heart rate, no butterflies in my stomach. We start a movie and just talk eventually he goes in for a kiss. My FIRST kiss. Nothing. Things progress we're hooking up. I'm getting my first bj and I am entirely more interested in the movie playing in the back. To be honest, when I wasn't looking down, I couldn't tell whether my dick was in his mouth or not. Physically and emotionally just kinda.. blank. I had no trouble like getting it up or finishing, so I just figured I wasn't attracted to him and went on with my life.
I have since hooked up with a lot more men. But never because I needed sex. I don't really get horny. I really just have sex because I like hanging out with people and this is the only way I know how to do it and know that they're having a good time. For me, the best part of sex is talking afterwards. Guys hit me up constantly saying they "need dick" or "need to get fucked". And I've come to realize that I've never needed it. Sometimes I want it I guess, but the way these guys talk about NEEDING it, I just can't relate.
Looking back, the last time I had a big crush on someone (which has only happened maybe 3 times in my life?) I was attracted to him but I never thought about him sexually. I wanted to be close to him, liked by him, be important to him, spend time with him, be loved by him. But I never pictured like ripping his pants off and fucking him in the street. I've never felt that.
And I keep meeting more and more guys. Sweet, kind, often very attractive guys and I just feel..nothing. I just keep trying new people hoping I can find one that can spark something in me. Maybe I'm just very picky. But talking to them always feels like a chore. People send me dick pics and I just kinda laugh to myself about their desperation. People dirty talk and I can't keep a straight face. I always attributed that to me just kinda having a goofy, light-hearted personality, but if I was normal, I should sometimes like lose control to my urges right?
I'm thinking about maybe trying my luck with a girl? Maybe I'm not gay and that's the reason. I do find girls attractive but they've never really expressed interest and I'm not horny enough to overcome my fear of rejection.
I just want to feel SOMETHING. I just want to feel something other people do. To fit in. To relate. To feel normal for once. I haven't cried in years but I am nearly in tears as I read the pinned "Am I Asexual" post and realizing how much of it I've said out loud to people. I'm so sorry for all you guys that have accepted this and are proud of your sexuality. I respect you guys and I truly am so happy for you.
But I want to be with someone and not feel like a fraud. To not have that feeling that deep down I know I'm faking it. To not be in the middle of sex and when they're not looking I just open my eyes and stare vacantly at the ceiling, not having to act like I'm in the thralls of ecstasy. I want to feel something real. And realizing that I might never have that is tearing me at the seams.
I just keep thinking "Maybe I have a hormone imbalance!", "Maybe I'm depressed!", "Maybe I have trauma and I'm repressing my emotions!", "Maybe I just have to wait until I meet the right person to wake me up!"
But those excuses are starting to feel like a pipe dream. I either need a fuck ton of therapy or I need to come to terms with the fact that I won't find a true, full relationship with women or men, and it'll just be me.
If you got this far, thank you for putting up with my rambling. I'm going through it at the moment.
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