Mtf 30yo started HRT July 2019,
(Please: not looking for medical advice, just community input /support, I work in medicine and have done my own peer reviewed research on this.) (Trigger warning: Suicidal Ideation, Drug Use)
So I knew almost immediately after starting HRT I wanted to be a mother. It's now been a few years and I still haven't made a decision. I made an appointment a few months ago with my endocrinologist, and we discussed going off HRT versus vs in vitro spermatogenesis post bottom surgery. I feel going off hrt is the best option for me rn.
I just can't get myself to move forward with this, it scares me more than anything rn. Prior to, and during the beginning of my transition I was extremely suicidal. I used to drive to the San Pedro cliffs and look off the edge into the ocean. There was a suicide hotline number on the railing, which I luckily called once, & it saved my life. I used to drive over a 100mph in the desert roads near palm springs imagining myself slipping off the road to my death. I ingested "the heroic dose" of mushrooms, I experienced what's called ego death, which I still carry with me to this day. I wondered through the ghettos and trap houses of LA watching people slowly dying from drug addictions. I didnt feel separated from them at all.
To explain to an outsider what was going on in my head; it wasn't just the dysphoria, hormonal imbalance of transitioning, but I also lost all of my freinds and family within a year. I lost everything. I was completely alone. I became nomadic / was working travel contract nursing. I moved twice in one year. I was physically and mentally completely lost.
Well I lived through that time. People don't clock me, they are drawn to me, they celebrate my blossoming. I am the manifestation of the woman I saw myself to be as a little girl. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who is watching my cat rn as I'm in New Orleans on vacation (sad he couldn't go, but i never let that stop me from living). I've been partying at all the gay clubs for the past 3 nights. Meeting new people every night. First dancing high and drunk as hell, till eventually we start having deep conversations at 3am about our struggles as queer folk, about our pain, about our loses, about how we survived. We celebrate our journey together.
But now I have to make a decision. I need to go off HRT. I need to go back to that place. That place were I was going to die. I picked up the phone to schedule an appointment today, and my hands started shaking uncontrollably. My breathing becoming erratic. I felt tears gushing from my eyes. Why does this scare me so much? After all I've been through, this is the thing that scares me.
What is my bf going to do when I change, will he still love me? I know its only a few months, but he has no frame of reference of me prior to transition. To him I'm Kat, and it's never been questioned. I brought this up to him and he said he understood I needed to do what was best for me. But I can tell he doesn't really understand what I'm saying because he asked me if I was going to grow a beard. My transition is so much more that just a physical change, but a complete transformation from the inside out.
I made the appointment but I still don't know if I have the ability to actually go off HRT.
Mtf 30yo started HRT July 2019,(Please: not looking for medical advice, just community input /support, I work in medicine and have done my own peer reviewed research on this.) (Trigger warning: Suicidal Ideation, Drug Use)So I knew almost immediately after starting HRT I wanted to be a mother. It's now been a few years and I still haven't made a decision. I made an appointment a few months ago with my endocrinologist, and we discussed going off HRT versus vs in vitro spermatogenesis post bottom surgery. I feel going off hrt is the best option for me rn.I just can't get myself to move forward with this, it scares me more than anything rn. Prior to, and during the beginning of my transition I was extremely suicidal. I used to drive to the San Pedro cliffs and look off the edge into the ocean. There was a suicide hotline number on the railing, which I luckily called once, & it saved my life. I used to drive over a 100mph in the desert roads near palm springs imagining myself slipping off the road to my death. I ingested "the heroic dose" of mushrooms, I experienced what's called ego death, which I still carry with me to this day. I wondered through the ghettos and trap houses of LA watching people slowly dying from drug addictions. I didnt feel separated from them at all.To explain to an outsider what was going on in my head; it wasn't just the dysphoria, hormonal imbalance of transitioning, but I also lost all of my freinds and family within a year. I lost everything. I was completely alone. I became nomadic / was working travel contract nursing. I moved twice in one year. I was physically and mentally completely lost.Well I lived through that time. People don't clock me, they are drawn to me, they celebrate my blossoming. I am the manifestation of the woman I saw myself to be as a little girl. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who is watching my cat rn as I'm in New Orleans on vacation (sad he couldn't go, but i never let that stop me from living). I've been partying at all the gay clubs for the past 3 nights. Meeting new people every night. First dancing high and drunk as hell, till eventually we start having deep conversations at 3am about our struggles as queer folk, about our pain, about our loses, about how we survived. We celebrate our journey together.But now I have to make a decision. I need to go off HRT. I need to go back to that place. That place were I was going to die. I picked up the phone to schedule an appointment today, and my hands started shaking uncontrollably. My breathing becoming erratic. I felt tears gushing from my eyes. Why does this scare me so much? After all I've been through, this is the thing that scares me.What is my bf going to do when I change, will he still love me? I know its only a few months, but he has no frame of reference of me prior to transition. To him I'm Kat, and it's never been questioned. I brought this up to him and he said he understood I needed to do what was best for me. But I can tell he doesn't really understand what I'm saying because he asked me if I was going to grow a beard. My transition is so much more that just a physical change, but a complete transformation from the inside out.I made the appointment but I still don't know if I have the ability to actually go off HRT. https://ift.tt/Mhf8FyP6J https://ift.tt/3W2wuq64h
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