So, a lot of backstory factors in and I'll try (and fail) to keep it short. Basically, I'm a guy who always had a lot going for him on paper - very good looking, very intelligent and scholarly, generally kept in shape and stayed healthy, and a genuinely good man who cares for others. However, I happen to have a history of abuse AND am considered a high functioning autistic, AKA what used to be called asperger's. As a result I was considered "weird" or whatever by judgmental peers and this got to me for a long time, as I kept to myself and had no friends most of the time.
So naturally I got rejected a lot. I would have very heavy crushes, probably stronger feelings than what the situation actually warranted as I romanticized some. I always got rejected. Was hard to know why, but generally figured I was "too much" or something with all these values mentioned. I only wanted the real deal and never wanted a one night stand due to the obvious risks that hook ups come with. So I occasionally rejected some who threw themselves at me because I found that unattractive, although regretted that later because I didn't realize how long I would stay single/a virgin.
Eventually I just simply took the next one who threw herself at me. It was a meme hookup tbh, she was dumb, loose, had a legit girlfriend of some sort she was even happy to show me off to. Well, unfortunately, I ended up catching herpes from this. So ultimately my confidence got hurt even more, and my solitary lifestyle probably wasn't helping matters. I thought I'd just move on from dating and never bother again, thinking I basically wasn't worth much in the field. I spent a few years legitimately believing this and feeling that way.
Well, eventually a woman does what very few did, but I always wanted to see - expresses interest in me and makes me feel comfortable and confident in going for it but not in a way that was like throwing herself at me. It was a mature flirtatiousness I have never seen before her. We were friends first and I had no intention of dating at first, but we started having long conversations and realizing how much our values lined up. So I eventually went for it, knowing she had a son, and I had...basically nothing to lose anymore.
I was admittedly not the most physically attracted to her as others I'd gone for, but I long since stopped caring about that or so I thought. She was a bit overweight, although not too bad. She still was pretty nice to look at and wasn't exactly ugly or anything. I just didn't quite have that nervous puppy dog thing because I wasn't head over heels physically attracted, but everything else lined up. I told her my flaws, the same stories as above, and she simply told me "you didn't choose that, and those women who rejected you were idiots" haha, I kind of agreed with her to an extent although understood later where they were coming from.
Well, we now have a daughter together as well. Some of my best memories are meeting her and OUR son after dead end jobs I was working. (I always struggled career wise, perhaps a result of my social challenges.) The pandemic sort of kept us shut in a bit, happening just a year or so after we had our daughter. Well, we both value health for everyone, and were both pretty unnerved by how careless everyone was. As a result we stayed home a lot more than we should have perhaps, although we never caught covid so there is that. Anyway, we both kind of let ourselves go a bit. I hadn't worked in a long time. Eventually out of nowhere my partner tells me she believes she is gay.
This made some sense at first, because while at first, our chemistry in the bedroom was/is amazing, there came a point that she stopped expressing interest in me that way. Or basically just did it like she wanted to keep me happy. So, naturally, we both cried it out. However, again with the pandemic, and the weight issues - they got out of control and she did absolutely nothing about it. She also started growing facial hair more than women are supposed to, and her voice got deeper. We found out this is due to a medical condition. So naturally I didn't hold this against her. However, I admit, when she said she was gay, a part of me felt relief that I could eventually look elsewhere. Overall though, we were sad about this and didn't really want it.
Anyway, months go by and nothing. She doesn't want me, expresses feeling no attraction. We had been officially broken up for months. I sought therapy and it makes a big difference - I found confidence in myself, ended up realizing how I held myself back the whole time, and finding positivity I wished I could in the past beyond simply my good days. I now have legitimate career goals and actually am pursuing them without giving up. I encourage my (former) partner to do the same. I ended up starting a new job.
Well, things get interesting. I feel an attraction to a coworker I didn't expect or plan on, and believing I'm single, I flirt back a little bit. The initial chemistry was intense and hard to describe, but in many ways I felt like I found someone I'd always been looking for and knew she was seeing the same in response. It's like we're talking to each other without having to even say anything, like we understand each other's values. She has this respectful, graceful and intelligent energy and always brings brightness and positivity even to difficult situations. And of course she is gorgeous but realistically so. A rare combination of things to find in anyone and just so amazing when it finally comes along.
And I'm pretty sure she felt the same. She is nice and respectful to others, but she is clearly different around me. She suddenly perks up, she smiles big, and seems really excited to see me. I can tell I make her nervous. And in the past I would've screwed this up, but now I have this confidence I didn't have before. This is that initial chemistry I didn't quite have with my (former) partner. Which I have never told anyone I ever quite lacked, if I'm honest.
So I confide in my (former) partner, who seems happy at first. She said she saw a glow in me she hadn't seen in years. However, I'm really close to asking my coworker out, and my (former) partner is suddenly sad and crying. I ask and she gives me a made up answer that I knew was BS, so I slowed down on asking out my coworker. Eventually my (former) partner reveals that she has feelings for me after all, and after months of thinking otherwise, believes she is not fully gay and still wants to be with me.
So, while this might put off others, this again comes down to not wanting to hold her condition (hormonal imbalances) against her. I am not shallow nor selfish, and would do anything for my kids. So I tell her well, if there's a way to make this work, I hope to do so. And we get back together, our chemistry in the bedroom is fantastic again and we're having a lot of great times like we used to. However, I have not unseen my feelings towards my coworker.
I now debate if this is actually even true love I've had towards my partner the whole time. And in some ways, truthfully, debate if it's even important to me. Would I be fine with staying with someone I don't have the deepest feelings for in some ways? Yes, I would. Because I accepted years ago that I got a somewhat crappy hand, and played it poorly in some ways, and salvaged what I can. Although I do wonder if there is a bit of an issue here. Because as we're seeing with my feelings towards my coworker, I perhaps have more to give than what I'm able to in my current relationship.
So, I'm wondering...how the hell do I process all of this? Is what I feel for my partner actually true love? I mean, I realize attraction to people even while in relationships is quite normal. I have not had an attraction quite like this to anyone since my partner, or anyone long before her, so this brings up some pretty big questions. The timing of her thinking she was gay and even officially breaking up for months prior didn't help because I ended up being open to potentially finding a new person and here we are, one just HAD to come along. To be fair I don't know my coworker very well at all and realize that the grass is only greener where I water it. I definitely love my partner in some way. And quite deeply so, to the point I could never hurt her or be the one to cause pain. So, in that regard, I basically have the biggest issue worked out - I cannot leave her, I can't be a bad example to the kids, or be the a--hole who screwed this up.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate anyone's thoughts.
So, a lot of backstory factors in and I'll try (and fail) to keep it short. Basically, I'm a guy who always had a lot going for him on paper - very good looking, very intelligent and scholarly, generally kept in shape and stayed healthy, and a genuinely good man who cares for others. However, I happen to have a history of abuse AND am considered a high functioning autistic, AKA what used to be called asperger's. As a result I was considered "weird" or whatever by judgmental peers and this got to me for a long time, as I kept to myself and had no friends most of the time.So naturally I got rejected a lot. I would have very heavy crushes, probably stronger feelings than what the situation actually warranted as I romanticized some. I always got rejected. Was hard to know why, but generally figured I was "too much" or something with all these values mentioned. I only wanted the real deal and never wanted a one night stand due to the obvious risks that hook ups come with. So I occasionally rejected some who threw themselves at me because I found that unattractive, although regretted that later because I didn't realize how long I would stay single/a virgin.Eventually I just simply took the next one who threw herself at me. It was a meme hookup tbh, she was dumb, loose, had a legit girlfriend of some sort she was even happy to show me off to. Well, unfortunately, I ended up catching herpes from this. So ultimately my confidence got hurt even more, and my solitary lifestyle probably wasn't helping matters. I thought I'd just move on from dating and never bother again, thinking I basically wasn't worth much in the field. I spent a few years legitimately believing this and feeling that way.Well, eventually a woman does what very few did, but I always wanted to see - expresses interest in me and makes me feel comfortable and confident in going for it but not in a way that was like throwing herself at me. It was a mature flirtatiousness I have never seen before her. We were friends first and I had no intention of dating at first, but we started having long conversations and realizing how much our values lined up. So I eventually went for it, knowing she had a son, and I had...basically nothing to lose anymore.I was admittedly not the most physically attracted to her as others I'd gone for, but I long since stopped caring about that or so I thought. She was a bit overweight, although not too bad. She still was pretty nice to look at and wasn't exactly ugly or anything. I just didn't quite have that nervous puppy dog thing because I wasn't head over heels physically attracted, but everything else lined up. I told her my flaws, the same stories as above, and she simply told me "you didn't choose that, and those women who rejected you were idiots" haha, I kind of agreed with her to an extent although understood later where they were coming from.Well, we now have a daughter together as well. Some of my best memories are meeting her and OUR son after dead end jobs I was working. (I always struggled career wise, perhaps a result of my social challenges.) The pandemic sort of kept us shut in a bit, happening just a year or so after we had our daughter. Well, we both value health for everyone, and were both pretty unnerved by how careless everyone was. As a result we stayed home a lot more than we should have perhaps, although we never caught covid so there is that. Anyway, we both kind of let ourselves go a bit. I hadn't worked in a long time. Eventually out of nowhere my partner tells me she believes she is gay.This made some sense at first, because while at first, our chemistry in the bedroom was/is amazing, there came a point that she stopped expressing interest in me that way. Or basically just did it like she wanted to keep me happy. So, naturally, we both cried it out. However, again with the pandemic, and the weight issues - they got out of control and she did absolutely nothing about it. She also started growing facial hair more than women are supposed to, and her voice got deeper. We found out this is due to a medical condition. So naturally I didn't hold this against her. However, I admit, when she said she was gay, a part of me felt relief that I could eventually look elsewhere. Overall though, we were sad about this and didn't really want it.Anyway, months go by and nothing. She doesn't want me, expresses feeling no attraction. We had been officially broken up for months. I sought therapy and it makes a big difference - I found confidence in myself, ended up realizing how I held myself back the whole time, and finding positivity I wished I could in the past beyond simply my good days. I now have legitimate career goals and actually am pursuing them without giving up. I encourage my (former) partner to do the same. I ended up starting a new job.Well, things get interesting. I feel an attraction to a coworker I didn't expect or plan on, and believing I'm single, I flirt back a little bit. The initial chemistry was intense and hard to describe, but in many ways I felt like I found someone I'd always been looking for and knew she was seeing the same in response. It's like we're talking to each other without having to even say anything, like we understand each other's values. She has this respectful, graceful and intelligent energy and always brings brightness and positivity even to difficult situations. And of course she is gorgeous but realistically so. A rare combination of things to find in anyone and just so amazing when it finally comes along.And I'm pretty sure she felt the same. She is nice and respectful to others, but she is clearly different around me. She suddenly perks up, she smiles big, and seems really excited to see me. I can tell I make her nervous. And in the past I would've screwed this up, but now I have this confidence I didn't have before. This is that initial chemistry I didn't quite have with my (former) partner. Which I have never told anyone I ever quite lacked, if I'm honest.So I confide in my (former) partner, who seems happy at first. She said she saw a glow in me she hadn't seen in years. However, I'm really close to asking my coworker out, and my (former) partner is suddenly sad and crying. I ask and she gives me a made up answer that I knew was BS, so I slowed down on asking out my coworker. Eventually my (former) partner reveals that she has feelings for me after all, and after months of thinking otherwise, believes she is not fully gay and still wants to be with me.So, while this might put off others, this again comes down to not wanting to hold her condition (hormonal imbalances) against her. I am not shallow nor selfish, and would do anything for my kids. So I tell her well, if there's a way to make this work, I hope to do so. And we get back together, our chemistry in the bedroom is fantastic again and we're having a lot of great times like we used to. However, I have not unseen my feelings towards my coworker.I now debate if this is actually even true love I've had towards my partner the whole time. And in some ways, truthfully, debate if it's even important to me. Would I be fine with staying with someone I don't have the deepest feelings for in some ways? Yes, I would. Because I accepted years ago that I got a somewhat crappy hand, and played it poorly in some ways, and salvaged what I can. Although I do wonder if there is a bit of an issue here. Because as we're seeing with my feelings towards my coworker, I perhaps have more to give than what I'm able to in my current relationship.So, I'm wondering...how the hell do I process all of this? Is what I feel for my partner actually true love? I mean, I realize attraction to people even while in relationships is quite normal. I have not had an attraction quite like this to anyone since my partner, or anyone long before her, so this brings up some pretty big questions. The timing of her thinking she was gay and even officially breaking up for months prior didn't help because I ended up being open to potentially finding a new person and here we are, one just HAD to come along. To be fair I don't know my coworker very well at all and realize that the grass is only greener where I water it. I definitely love my partner in some way. And quite deeply so, to the point I could never hurt her or be the one to cause pain. So, in that regard, I basically have the biggest issue worked out - I cannot leave her, I can't be a bad example to the kids, or be the a--hole who screwed this up.Thanks for reading. I appreciate anyone's thoughts. https://ift.tt/40wLbrD https://ift.tt/VCXQTgk
Comments
Post a Comment