So, I'll do my best to cut down on the backstory and keep it short, although it sort of factors in heavily. Basically I considered myself someone with a lot to offer - very good looking, intelligent, caring, lots of love to give. Unfortunately, I was also abused and I have what's considered high functioning autism, AKA asperger's is what it was called in the past. So most generally considered me "weird" or "creepy" or other such judgmental labels and I was largely a shut in who didn't socialize much. And I stubbornly didn't seek help for a long time. I was rejected quite often. I also often worked a lot of dead end jobs.
But one was different. She [37F] expressed interest in me [38M] and wasn't too forward about it at the same time, a mature flirtatiousness I hadn't seen before. We were already friends. She was a bit overweight, and I didn't quite feel the same strong connection I had (admittedly romanticized for sure) towards my previous crushes. But I also thought forget it, something's gotta change. And I never looked back because we've now been together almost 10 years, and have two kids. Obviously everything has been great. She saw in me what no one else saw, as bizarre as it is to anyone who actually knows me.
But remember that weight issue? She let herself go a bit for a while, and this got worse. Not only that but she started growing facial hair and getting a deeper voice. We ended up finding out this is a medical condition called PCOS, although we also suspect it could be cushing. I wasn't gonna hold this against her, and was gonna wait it out at all costs. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me at times or wasn't hard to deal with. During the pandemic we both kinda stopped caring, but eventually she told me she thought she was gay. This was obviously very sad but it made sense because there were times she didn't want to do anything in the bedroom at all that would go on for months. Which we initially attributed to PCOS.
Anyway, we cried for a while. She officially broke it off and stated she was no longer attracted to me because she believes she is gay. But admittedly a more shallow part of me felt some relief because I thought "ok, well maybe I can find someone I'm a bit more physically attracted to eventually" although this didn't really outweigh the whole "oh eff no, step parent drama etc" thoughts that went through my head. Meanwhile I had been seeking therapy and it really went a long way for me. I found a confidence I had never found before, a positivity that extended beyond simply my best days. And I found a career goal I am ACTUALLY STAYING WITH AND PURSUING, which is great.
So I started a new job in the field. Mind you, my (former) partner and I slept in the same bed/same house because we couldn't afford not to. But unexpectedly, I ended up finding a new coworker who I hit it off with a bit. It was quite intense actually. Kind of like we are speaking to each other without saying anything, like we just already know we understand each other. Her energy is very kind, loving and respectful towards others. She's smart and intelligent and she is always happy to see me, and smiles really big at me. We flirted just a little bit but nothing too major. So I'm pretty sure to this day she likes me a little bit but could be wrong.
I start confiding to my (former) partner about this, expressing I unexpectedly found someone and hit it off a bit. At first she expressed support, but started crying a bit and expressing feeling overwhelmed about unrelated things which I knew was BS. So I hesitated on asking out my coworker. After we went out with my family my (former) partner actually made effort to look good for a change, and she did. We had a good night and she reveals she still has feelings for me after all. And decided she's not gay.
Without putting much thought into this it seemed natural to just get back with my partner and be done with it. We had some great times again, everything was great. But I've had a hard time unseeing some things, including my feelings towards my coworker. This is a lot to process. Part of me sees my coworker probably wondering why I haven't asked her out yet, and feels like I really don't want to hurt her. But I REALLY can't tear my family apart, nor would a self respecting woman stay with a man who did so, so pursuing my coworker I'm pretty sure is the wrong decision here. That's not really the issue.
My problem is, how the hell do I process this? Why did my partner express no attraction to me for months only to suddenly realize she still is attracted ONLY when I started finding an attraction in someone else? And now how the hell do I move on from this someone else part? And some of my own actions are not exactly looking the healthiest either. Finding someone else I liked that much made me question things with my partner a bit. I have not felt an attraction to anyone else outside of my relationship like this in quite a long time and in some ways it is more than what I felt towards my partner back in the day. I also realize I don't know my coworker very well at all and maybe underneath it all she's nowhere near how she presents herself. Though I have my doubts as I tend to be a good judge of character. Interestingly, in spite of knowing I felt this way about my coworker, my partner supports me pursuing her as a friend. She is obviously not ok with me pursuing her as more. I have not told her the extent of how much my feelings persisted however. But this shows the strength of how much we trust each other.
Now, do keep in mind, my partner's thoughts that she has gone back and forth on in terms of her sexuality and all that, are attributable to hormonal imbalances caused by her condition. So I am not holding this against her. Of course, OF COURSE someone like this comes along exactly during the period my partner thinks of us as separated and so do I. And somehow happens to exemplify the same values I look for in what seems like such a rare fashion. I hate how fate, for lack of a better term, does this crap to you. These are pretty deep thoughts I'm having but basically, I'm kind of questioning the strength of the relationship at the moment. Maybe I should seek couples counseling. I admit the grass looks greener, but what the hell do I do now to stop thinking this? Unless there is something else at play I should be looking at, which might be quite possible...?
So, I'll do my best to cut down on the backstory and keep it short, although it sort of factors in heavily. Basically I considered myself someone with a lot to offer - very good looking, intelligent, caring, lots of love to give. Unfortunately, I was also abused and I have what's considered high functioning autism, AKA asperger's is what it was called in the past. So most generally considered me "weird" or "creepy" or other such judgmental labels and I was largely a shut in who didn't socialize much. And I stubbornly didn't seek help for a long time. I was rejected quite often. I also often worked a lot of dead end jobs.But one was different. She [37F] expressed interest in me [38M] and wasn't too forward about it at the same time, a mature flirtatiousness I hadn't seen before. We were already friends. She was a bit overweight, and I didn't quite feel the same strong connection I had (admittedly romanticized for sure) towards my previous crushes. But I also thought forget it, something's gotta change. And I never looked back because we've now been together almost 10 years, and have two kids. Obviously everything has been great. She saw in me what no one else saw, as bizarre as it is to anyone who actually knows me.But remember that weight issue? She let herself go a bit for a while, and this got worse. Not only that but she started growing facial hair and getting a deeper voice. We ended up finding out this is a medical condition called PCOS, although we also suspect it could be cushing. I wasn't gonna hold this against her, and was gonna wait it out at all costs. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me at times or wasn't hard to deal with. During the pandemic we both kinda stopped caring, but eventually she told me she thought she was gay. This was obviously very sad but it made sense because there were times she didn't want to do anything in the bedroom at all that would go on for months. Which we initially attributed to PCOS.Anyway, we cried for a while. She officially broke it off and stated she was no longer attracted to me because she believes she is gay. But admittedly a more shallow part of me felt some relief because I thought "ok, well maybe I can find someone I'm a bit more physically attracted to eventually" although this didn't really outweigh the whole "oh eff no, step parent drama etc" thoughts that went through my head. Meanwhile I had been seeking therapy and it really went a long way for me. I found a confidence I had never found before, a positivity that extended beyond simply my best days. And I found a career goal I am ACTUALLY STAYING WITH AND PURSUING, which is great.So I started a new job in the field. Mind you, my (former) partner and I slept in the same bed/same house because we couldn't afford not to. But unexpectedly, I ended up finding a new coworker who I hit it off with a bit. It was quite intense actually. Kind of like we are speaking to each other without saying anything, like we just already know we understand each other. Her energy is very kind, loving and respectful towards others. She's smart and intelligent and she is always happy to see me, and smiles really big at me. We flirted just a little bit but nothing too major. So I'm pretty sure to this day she likes me a little bit but could be wrong.I start confiding to my (former) partner about this, expressing I unexpectedly found someone and hit it off a bit. At first she expressed support, but started crying a bit and expressing feeling overwhelmed about unrelated things which I knew was BS. So I hesitated on asking out my coworker. After we went out with my family my (former) partner actually made effort to look good for a change, and she did. We had a good night and she reveals she still has feelings for me after all. And decided she's not gay.Without putting much thought into this it seemed natural to just get back with my partner and be done with it. We had some great times again, everything was great. But I've had a hard time unseeing some things, including my feelings towards my coworker. This is a lot to process. Part of me sees my coworker probably wondering why I haven't asked her out yet, and feels like I really don't want to hurt her. But I REALLY can't tear my family apart, nor would a self respecting woman stay with a man who did so, so pursuing my coworker I'm pretty sure is the wrong decision here. That's not really the issue.My problem is, how the hell do I process this? Why did my partner express no attraction to me for months only to suddenly realize she still is attracted ONLY when I started finding an attraction in someone else? And now how the hell do I move on from this someone else part? And some of my own actions are not exactly looking the healthiest either. Finding someone else I liked that much made me question things with my partner a bit. I have not felt an attraction to anyone else outside of my relationship like this in quite a long time and in some ways it is more than what I felt towards my partner back in the day. I also realize I don't know my coworker very well at all and maybe underneath it all she's nowhere near how she presents herself. Though I have my doubts as I tend to be a good judge of character. Interestingly, in spite of knowing I felt this way about my coworker, my partner supports me pursuing her as a friend. She is obviously not ok with me pursuing her as more. I have not told her the extent of how much my feelings persisted however. But this shows the strength of how much we trust each other.Now, do keep in mind, my partner's thoughts that she has gone back and forth on in terms of her sexuality and all that, are attributable to hormonal imbalances caused by her condition. So I am not holding this against her. Of course, OF COURSE someone like this comes along exactly during the period my partner thinks of us as separated and so do I. And somehow happens to exemplify the same values I look for in what seems like such a rare fashion. I hate how fate, for lack of a better term, does this crap to you. These are pretty deep thoughts I'm having but basically, I'm kind of questioning the strength of the relationship at the moment. Maybe I should seek couples counseling. I admit the grass looks greener, but what the hell do I do now to stop thinking this? Unless there is something else at play I should be looking at, which might be quite possible...? https://ift.tt/40wLbrD https://ift.tt/SmrUfGe
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