I’m a 17yr old black girl who has been raised in a primarily white and Asian environment. I’m a junior. I struggle w depression and anxiety (I am most likely either an ISFJ, INFP, or ISFP, although I think I am an ISFJ and have tested as this in the past.)
I have had a boyfriend, an ISxP, but our relationship failed - he was black and I’d say he had a lot of issues but also was not actually the best person morally? He seemed into me at first and his Valentine’s Day gifts for me were impressive, but he disrespected my sexual boundaries so many times I had to make a document and our relationship became “toxic” (he said it was bc of me and I accepted it. In hindsight I don’t think I was strictly to blame.) I felt rlly bad bc I had started out wanting to help him and even cried abt it. But now I’d say I feel this weird mixture of like, resentment I guess toward him but also idk j a lot of bad emotions? I don’t quite regret the experience though bc what it did do is help me know there are men who find me attractive.
I plan to start at community and currently intend to be a nurse but actually feel stressed and hopeless abt my future a fair amount. I am taking slightly easier classes this yr w exception of Spanish 3 and my two AP’s bc well, I j don’t want to be crazy stressed. Idk, the thing is I honestly don’t think I actually want to stay in this city but feel like bc of how my parents are I know nothing abt succeeding in life?
I feel resentment toward my father now. He is a dumb alcoholic and I wish he made more money, he emotionally abused my older brother and I believe he has smthn to do w why my brother is in rehab. He is an introvert, both my parents are v introverted (well actually my mom is likely an unhealthy ESFJ) distrusting people which is likely how I turned out the way I am (I’m a 6w5 and still talk to ppl but can struggle w trusting them)
I don’t have “good social skills.” I sort of think a lot of ppl are like morally bad but have noticed I can be attracted to men who are I guess I very masculine in terms of energy? And it’s not like someone being immoral would turn me off from being attracted to them, I remember I kissed my ex harder than ever when he admitted he used to steal from stores (I do not know why I did that. I told him to not do it again)
I rlly struggle w my sleeping schedule but am working on fixing it right now, it’s still c hard but an j workin on setting it back little by little each night. J am currently v excited for stranger things 4 (I love TV!) and it is helping me j kind of stay alive and healthy I guess, I rlly like movies and tv and actually talked abt it in my therapy session today
I spend a lot of time on my phone the internet and Reddit probably too much time but it’s so hard to j put down the phone idk I also discussed that in therapy
I would say I am below average (4/10)) facially but think makeup which I intend to perfect over summer should help me become average looking
I make an effort to be polite in conversation and have heard many times before that I am formal
I remember I was known for being the smartest girl in middle school. I’d actually say I’m kind of dumb but idk my AP English teacher showed my argumentative essay to the class so maybe I’m not that dumb? I can say things that make no sense though
Nurses in my state are high income by technicality (over $100,000 in salary,) but I honestly might eventually move out of my state. I also might not, but probably will. If I have kids I want them to be raised in a primarily black environment, so they don’t feel the way I have growing up and so they feel more connected to their culture. I have grown up feeling unattractive and don’t want to have kids who feel that way
I really hope that I am good about saving money. One thing I don’t want more than anything else is to end up being broke, that would really bug me if I end up w no money at all as an adult. I have been worried abt finances since I was 10, I just couldn’t stand something like that.
I fear a man losing interest. I want to find a man who really loves me, thinks I’m beautiful, and wants me around
My diary entry tonight:
Dear diary,
I’m crying. I can’t help it. It’s the second day of my period and I’m crying. I feel so disgusting. I’m crying about how I’m dark and black and ain’t nobody love me or want me. I had a boyfriend but even he lost interest. I have hair on my chest and stomach, god why? I’m crying about how masculine that makes me feel. I look at myself in the mirror and can range from feeling like I’m almost pretty to slightly below average to feeling like I look like a damn monkey. I just feel like there’s no point to living a lot of the time. I feel like I won’t succeed. I was just in tears over how I’m dumb and ugly and really, why do I have hair on my chest? Is there some hormonal imbalance? Can I even have kids? It’s odd bc I found out a spoiler for stranger things 4 today that excited me bc it was in relation to one of my ships. And I was talking in my therapy session this morning about how excited I am for stranger things 4, none of these feelings were popping up. But now they are. Living in a primarily white and Asian city it feels like nobody understands or cares.
I have heard I sound white
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I’m a 17yr old black girl who has been raised in a primarily white and Asian environment. I’m a junior. I struggle w depression and anxiety (I am most likely either an ISFJ, INFP, or ISFP, although I think I am an ISFJ and have tested as this in the past.)I have had a boyfriend, an ISxP, but our relationship failed - he was black and I’d say he had a lot of issues but also was not actually the best person morally? He seemed into me at first and his Valentine’s Day gifts for me were impressive, but he disrespected my sexual boundaries so many times I had to make a document and our relationship became “toxic” (he said it was bc of me and I accepted it. In hindsight I don’t think I was strictly to blame.) I felt rlly bad bc I had started out wanting to help him and even cried abt it. But now I’d say I feel this weird mixture of like, resentment I guess toward him but also idk j a lot of bad emotions? I don’t quite regret the experience though bc what it did do is help me know there are men who find me attractive.I plan to start at community and currently intend to be a nurse but actually feel stressed and hopeless abt my future a fair amount. I am taking slightly easier classes this yr w exception of Spanish 3 and my two AP’s bc well, I j don’t want to be crazy stressed. Idk, the thing is I honestly don’t think I actually want to stay in this city but feel like bc of how my parents are I know nothing abt succeeding in life?I feel resentment toward my father now. He is a dumb alcoholic and I wish he made more money, he emotionally abused my older brother and I believe he has smthn to do w why my brother is in rehab. He is an introvert, both my parents are v introverted (well actually my mom is likely an unhealthy ESFJ) distrusting people which is likely how I turned out the way I am (I’m a 6w5 and still talk to ppl but can struggle w trusting them)I don’t have “good social skills.” I sort of think a lot of ppl are like morally bad but have noticed I can be attracted to men who are I guess I very masculine in terms of energy? And it’s not like someone being immoral would turn me off from being attracted to them, I remember I kissed my ex harder than ever when he admitted he used to steal from stores (I do not know why I did that. I told him to not do it again)I rlly struggle w my sleeping schedule but am working on fixing it right now, it’s still c hard but an j workin on setting it back little by little each night. J am currently v excited for stranger things 4 (I love TV!) and it is helping me j kind of stay alive and healthy I guess, I rlly like movies and tv and actually talked abt it in my therapy session todayI spend a lot of time on my phone the internet and Reddit probably too much time but it’s so hard to j put down the phone idk I also discussed that in therapyI would say I am below average (4/10)) facially but think makeup which I intend to perfect over summer should help me become average lookingI make an effort to be polite in conversation and have heard many times before that I am formalI remember I was known for being the smartest girl in middle school. I’d actually say I’m kind of dumb but idk my AP English teacher showed my argumentative essay to the class so maybe I’m not that dumb? I can say things that make no sense thoughNurses in my state are high income by technicality (over $100,000 in salary,) but I honestly might eventually move out of my state. I also might not, but probably will. If I have kids I want them to be raised in a primarily black environment, so they don’t feel the way I have growing up and so they feel more connected to their culture. I have grown up feeling unattractive and don’t want to have kids who feel that wayI really hope that I am good about saving money. One thing I don’t want more than anything else is to end up being broke, that would really bug me if I end up w no money at all as an adult. I have been worried abt finances since I was 10, I just couldn’t stand something like that.I fear a man losing interest. I want to find a man who really loves me, thinks I’m beautiful, and wants me aroundMy diary entry tonight:Dear diary,I’m crying. I can’t help it. It’s the second day of my period and I’m crying. I feel so disgusting. I’m crying about how I’m dark and black and ain’t nobody love me or want me. I had a boyfriend but even he lost interest. I have hair on my chest and stomach, god why? I’m crying about how masculine that makes me feel. I look at myself in the mirror and can range from feeling like I’m almost pretty to slightly below average to feeling like I look like a damn monkey. I just feel like there’s no point to living a lot of the time. I feel like I won’t succeed. I was just in tears over how I’m dumb and ugly and really, why do I have hair on my chest? Is there some hormonal imbalance? Can I even have kids? It’s odd bc I found out a spoiler for stranger things 4 today that excited me bc it was in relation to one of my ships. And I was talking in my therapy session this morning about how excited I am for stranger things 4, none of these feelings were popping up. But now they are. Living in a primarily white and Asian city it feels like nobody understands or cares.I have heard I sound whiteView Poll https://ift.tt/bM4Sk09 https://ift.tt/1D9quGo
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