I have ADHD and managed to somehow become nocturnal in uni. The problem with this is that I don't deal with being bored well, and there wasn't much to do in the middle of the night so I started smoking three joints a night.
Towards the end of May I was having major panic attacks, literally convincing myself I was about to die. The hangovers were the worst. I'd wake up feeling like my right lung wasn't working and I'd freak out to the point of getting pins and needles all over my head and down my arms, shaking, feeling sick... doesn't help that one of the effects of anxiety is feeling like you can't breathe. I literally convinced myself that my heart had stopped or that my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen or I had a hole in my lung.
Anxiety, fyi, hasn't changed since we were cavemen. Cavemen would get anxious when they were caught outside their cave at night and some big creature was about to eat them. When we get anxious about something, our body is literally expecting us to die, which is why you get the impending sense of doom and why people say anxiety feels like you're dying. You know you're just giving a speech to your class or wearing a particularly tight dress or driving on roads you've never used, but your body is waiting for the big prehistoric creature to crunch you in its teeth.
I stopped the weed completely, I don't have an addictive personality so I don't have any cravings or anything, it was easy for me to drop when I had a reason to.
Being sober for longer than an hour when awake enabled me to realise I'd developed a crippling anxiety disorder. It was to the point where I was so anxious that from the moment I woke to when I went to sleep, I'd be in a constant panic attack. I cried multiple times a day, I freaked out over my breathing and my heart and strokes and brain damage and loads of other shite. Worse part is I couldn't distract myself thanks to my constant internal monologue that never shuts tf up.
The withdrawals were horrible for the first few weeks. Vivid dreams, cold sweats, shaking, the night sweats would leave me drenched. Disgusting. Doesn't help that anxiety is a product of the withdrawal. Anxiety on top of anxiety.
Some of my anxiety symptoms:
- Feeling like I can't breathe / there's hands around my neck
- Black spots in my vision
- Dulled senses, especially eyesight
- Pins and needles
- Chest pain
- Brain fog
- Tinnitus
- Racing heart
- Racing thoughts
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Shaking
- Sweating
Actually, anxiety can set of hundreds of responses. It's your body doing everything it can think of to try and keep you alive. It's your fight or flight, but most of us don't actually have anything to fight or fly from when we're anxious, so your body just keeps going because you're still dying, right? There must be something it hasn't tried yet that will work.
I got put on meds and the constant panic stopped, but I still struggled to come to terms with what was happening, and I was on edge all the time.
I'm an ENFP. I'm outgoing and friendly and love running around and being chaotic. Every time we go on a night out, I end up being involved in some sort of wild story that people will laugh at the next day. Then suddenly, even breathing makes me anxious. I can't smoke or club or drink or even eat new things for the fear of being allergic and not being able to breathe. For reference, I'm allergic to nothing and have never been worried about trying new things before.
It felt like I had died. Like I was just some sort of echo of who I used to be. I was so angry at the anxiety and at myself. What made it worse is knowing that I'd done this to myself and I could have avoided it if I'd just restrained myself from trying to cure being bored with weed 24/7. I'd say 'I hate anxiety, I fucking hate being like this, I'm so angry at myself for doing this, I wish I was her again, I wish I was how I used to be, I wish this never fucking happened'.
Honestly, I just needed to shut up and accept that I'm a different person now. Saying shit like that only ever makes it more of a big deal. Now I actually have stopped thinking that way, the anxiety has become just... a background thing. Like it's there, I know it's there, it still affects me at points but it's so much easier to brush off. Kinda like oh it's you again rather than fuck I hate you I hate this I hate myself I hate everything-
And, some of the changes to my life weren't permanent. I thought this was the end of my fun clubbing life and it was, for a while. I took a few months off. However a couple weeks ago, I went clubbing and had a fucking great time, wasn't thinking about the anxiety once. Wasn't even anxious when I was hungover the next day.
I'm getting better. Now, when I'm feeling anxious it's easier for me to tell myself that it's just the anxiety and distract myself instead of spiralling. It might just be the meds making me better, but I kind of think they're wearing off? I'm getting the side affects back and while on them I could never, ever get drunk. Not even tipsy. I literally felt nothing in my brain. And then the other week I managed to suddenly get drunk twice? Plus I didn't really get anxious unless I was on my period (massive hormonal imbalance), but I've been on edge for the last week or so. If they are wearing off, it's kinda good because it means my anxiety is better even when they're not working properly.
It does get better. At the start it feels like it will never end, but I promise it does.
So yeah. Anything you have questions about (anxiety, meds, side effects, vivid dreams) I'm here to answer - even if you're not going through something like this but you're just curious. I'll try my best to give you useful advice/tips or just my own experience that might help you come to terms with your own. Either way, I'm a very open book, I don't mind answering :)
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