This is kind of a long explanation but I feel if you were truly to understand my thoughts process I need to explain the series of events. I don't have anyone to talk to and feel like I just need to get this out.
I stayed alone for about a year from an abusive relationship in attempts to heal. Now when I have seeked out a connection I feel as if my presence doesn't matter. It first started as a fling. I met a guy (well not a new meet knew each other prior just never spent time together) I genuinely liked to spend time with, talk to, play video games and so on. I thought the connection was double sided, he brought me on occasions, met his friends and family and he showed me off not afraid to claim me as his girlfriend. He would make time for me just me and him. I felt special, and the intimacy was amazing he always wanted to touch me be with me. Have sex. Always told me I was beautiful. Once he had asked if I was on birth control I was honest and told him no. He then asked me about my chances of falling pregnant. I was told at my last check up appointments that because of my abuse and imbalance of horomes I should start accepting the fact that I will probably never get pregnant or have kids. Which I thought rang true because the previous relationship of 2 years we never had used protection, I was never on birth control and I never fell pregnant. So I told him my chances where low. Well what do you know a couple months into our newly found relationship I found out I was pregnant.
It was a shock for both of us and being in a newly found relationship I for sure though he would bolt or tell me to get rid of it. But he didn't. In fact told me to keep it and said he wanted to be apart of it if I would let him. He wanted to be a family. This made me feel better and agian reassured me this relationship wasn't like the rest at all.
Fast forward to now we have been together 8 months and I am 21 weeks along. His mother wants to have a baby shower soon. He told his work but refuses to tell any of his younger friends. Me F/21 and him M/21 have friends between ages 19-28. He has told 2 of his older friends. I didn't want to pressure him into telling anyone too fast as I knew this was an exceptionally hard thing to accept. However I have popped now and can't really hide the fact that I have gotten fatter for sure. The changes that have happened in our relationship seem subtle yet have happened so jurrasically I don't even know how to feel except hurt. My body has been going through so many changes that the first thing I have noticed is that he doesn't touch me anymore, he doesn't initiate anything anymore if he doesn't have to, the times I have he makes little to no effort and just wants to spoon with me facing away or have me do all the work by getting on top or giving him a blow job. This has made me feel terrible about how my body has changed. He still tells me that I am beautiful and tells me not to hide my pregnancy but then does out of the blue things like I had asked him while re arranging our room, if he wanted to shop for some baby items such as a crib since we were literally re arranging the room, to make room for a crib. He told me yes he would but then told me a day later that we could get it but that after I measured how much space it would take up I needed to pack it up and put it away. I asked him why, we were literally making the space for it. He then told me that I was acting like it (him meaning our son) was coming out tomarrow and that it didn't need to be up for the next 4 months. I understood where he was coming from but felt like it was an effort to still hide my pregancy from his friends who would come hang out in our room with him weekly. When I asked him he told me it had nothing to do with that. I decided it wasn't worth arguing about and that I was probably getting ahead of myself. I agreed to take it down after seeing how much space it would take up. When we went shopping I stopped in the baby section and begun to look at cribs. He was even looking with me. But after some time he turned to me and asking if instead we could get it at a different time. A later date, I couldn't hide my disappointment and wanted to cry because he just watched me get excited over it. I had only wished he had said something if he didn't want to get it way earlier instead of what seemed like teasing me with it. Since then I have began to feel like I have just ruined his life by getting pregnant. We have had many arguments recently because he refuses to tell his friends why he doesn't go to parties anymore, or why I no longer engage in drinking with them or smoking. Also i have been trying to keep my system clean of smoking yet proceeds to hotbox our room with his friends and doesnt see an issue with it when i have brought up to him that i live in the room too and would prefer if they went into a different room to smoke. One time him and his 2 friends were sitting in there and i ate a whole plastic thing of black berries. He was by the trashcan so i had asked him if he could throw the container away for me, he then commented about the fact i had eaten the whole thing by myself in front of his friends. I was embarressed and then felt ashasmed and fat. It got me thinking agian on how much my body has changed and how much fatter i have gotten. I weighed 109lbs before pregnancy and now being 21 weeks along half way through i weigh 134 which i was told was normal and that its what is keeping my baby healthy. His friends said nothing just laughed with him. In my brain i was sort of mad. He knew the reason i was eating so much yet his friends do not to them he just made me look fat. He keeps telling me not to hide it but then creates excuses. I have asked him multiple times why he won't and he just states that it is hard to accept and no one needs to know his business. I get it. I wasn't prepared for this either. I don't know how I'm going to mother a child but I am trying to make the most of it, I don't want to child to grow up thinking he was a mistake or think that he will not be loved. I want to be excited but feel like I cannot be. He doesn't want to shop for any baby items and I have have since stopped asking him anything baby related and he doesn't seem to mind. Yet at the same time he comes to all the appointments and worries if I have eaten and taken my prenatals during the day. It doesn't seems like he wants to really spend time with me either, like he'd rather be elsewhere I had mentioned to him that I felt as if we were just roommates, that I see him everyday but that we no longer spend quality time just us like the beginning. That his friends always want to hang out in person or play video games, since he has so many different friends they take up all of his time. His reply was that it seems like I require all of his attention and he needed to drop his friends all together. I felt terrible and told him I didn't want that. Even tonight he told me he couldn't wait to spend time with me. We decided to game. But I didn't realize that meant with one of his friends as well. He told me he has been blowing him off recently and feels bad. I just didn't have any response at this point and feel worse now as my game needed an update that is projected to take 22 hours. He didn't seem bothered by this at all and just got on to game with his friend throwing his headset on and at that point I just felt ignored and insignificant. He's been gaming with him ever since not even talking to me and I've had the time to type all of this out. I don't want to bring it up as an issue and have it be another argument. He takes care of me, we both work and he is a hard worker, he provides and never has an issue handing me something if I need it and it's not baby related. I have been kicking myself thinking I should be more grateful, that he hasn't ran out on me and is here for me. But I can't help feeling the way I do, why won't he tell his friends? Why would he rather make me seem controlling to them rather than just telling them the truth? Am I asking for too much attention? Am I too clingy? Have I not healed enough and now I'm just the toxic one? I don't mind if he hangs out with his friends I have been okay with everytime he has gone out I don't understand that I am doing so wrong. I feel like I'm just here because I'm having his son and that he's only with me because of the baby. Everytime I have expressed this to him his responses are I don't know what to say or literally just silence. Like cricket deafening silence. I get nothing from him. I feel like I'm going crazy trying to figure it out. Things have changed so much I just feel like I ruined it and I ruined our spark. I'm now to a point where I cannot hide my baby bump and fear what his friends will think now, I have given up on conversation and trying to brings things up for fear of being annoying or staring an argument that ends with him saying he'll have to choose between me and his friends. I am just looking for balance is all..and i just wanted him to want to be excited with me or atleast do what he says instead of switching on me last minute...am I being too much? Is it just the prenancy hormones? I also notice little things like social media wise he is still single and advertises single his explanation being he is just not on it much. When its had to have a conversation with him because he is always on his phone or texting someone. I really am so confused any shred of advice will help.
This is kind of a long explanation but I feel if you were truly to understand my thoughts process I need to explain the series of events. I don't have anyone to talk to and feel like I just need to get this out.I stayed alone for about a year from an abusive relationship in attempts to heal. Now when I have seeked out a connection I feel as if my presence doesn't matter. It first started as a fling. I met a guy (well not a new meet knew each other prior just never spent time together) I genuinely liked to spend time with, talk to, play video games and so on. I thought the connection was double sided, he brought me on occasions, met his friends and family and he showed me off not afraid to claim me as his girlfriend. He would make time for me just me and him. I felt special, and the intimacy was amazing he always wanted to touch me be with me. Have sex. Always told me I was beautiful. Once he had asked if I was on birth control I was honest and told him no. He then asked me about my chances of falling pregnant. I was told at my last check up appointments that because of my abuse and imbalance of horomes I should start accepting the fact that I will probably never get pregnant or have kids. Which I thought rang true because the previous relationship of 2 years we never had used protection, I was never on birth control and I never fell pregnant. So I told him my chances where low. Well what do you know a couple months into our newly found relationship I found out I was pregnant.It was a shock for both of us and being in a newly found relationship I for sure though he would bolt or tell me to get rid of it. But he didn't. In fact told me to keep it and said he wanted to be apart of it if I would let him. He wanted to be a family. This made me feel better and agian reassured me this relationship wasn't like the rest at all.Fast forward to now we have been together 8 months and I am 21 weeks along. His mother wants to have a baby shower soon. He told his work but refuses to tell any of his younger friends. Me F/21 and him M/21 have friends between ages 19-28. He has told 2 of his older friends. I didn't want to pressure him into telling anyone too fast as I knew this was an exceptionally hard thing to accept. However I have popped now and can't really hide the fact that I have gotten fatter for sure. The changes that have happened in our relationship seem subtle yet have happened so jurrasically I don't even know how to feel except hurt. My body has been going through so many changes that the first thing I have noticed is that he doesn't touch me anymore, he doesn't initiate anything anymore if he doesn't have to, the times I have he makes little to no effort and just wants to spoon with me facing away or have me do all the work by getting on top or giving him a blow job. This has made me feel terrible about how my body has changed. He still tells me that I am beautiful and tells me not to hide my pregnancy but then does out of the blue things like I had asked him while re arranging our room, if he wanted to shop for some baby items such as a crib since we were literally re arranging the room, to make room for a crib. He told me yes he would but then told me a day later that we could get it but that after I measured how much space it would take up I needed to pack it up and put it away. I asked him why, we were literally making the space for it. He then told me that I was acting like it (him meaning our son) was coming out tomarrow and that it didn't need to be up for the next 4 months. I understood where he was coming from but felt like it was an effort to still hide my pregancy from his friends who would come hang out in our room with him weekly. When I asked him he told me it had nothing to do with that. I decided it wasn't worth arguing about and that I was probably getting ahead of myself. I agreed to take it down after seeing how much space it would take up. When we went shopping I stopped in the baby section and begun to look at cribs. He was even looking with me. But after some time he turned to me and asking if instead we could get it at a different time. A later date, I couldn't hide my disappointment and wanted to cry because he just watched me get excited over it. I had only wished he had said something if he didn't want to get it way earlier instead of what seemed like teasing me with it. Since then I have began to feel like I have just ruined his life by getting pregnant. We have had many arguments recently because he refuses to tell his friends why he doesn't go to parties anymore, or why I no longer engage in drinking with them or smoking. Also i have been trying to keep my system clean of smoking yet proceeds to hotbox our room with his friends and doesnt see an issue with it when i have brought up to him that i live in the room too and would prefer if they went into a different room to smoke. One time him and his 2 friends were sitting in there and i ate a whole plastic thing of black berries. He was by the trashcan so i had asked him if he could throw the container away for me, he then commented about the fact i had eaten the whole thing by myself in front of his friends. I was embarressed and then felt ashasmed and fat. It got me thinking agian on how much my body has changed and how much fatter i have gotten. I weighed 109lbs before pregnancy and now being 21 weeks along half way through i weigh 134 which i was told was normal and that its what is keeping my baby healthy. His friends said nothing just laughed with him. In my brain i was sort of mad. He knew the reason i was eating so much yet his friends do not to them he just made me look fat. He keeps telling me not to hide it but then creates excuses. I have asked him multiple times why he won't and he just states that it is hard to accept and no one needs to know his business. I get it. I wasn't prepared for this either. I don't know how I'm going to mother a child but I am trying to make the most of it, I don't want to child to grow up thinking he was a mistake or think that he will not be loved. I want to be excited but feel like I cannot be. He doesn't want to shop for any baby items and I have have since stopped asking him anything baby related and he doesn't seem to mind. Yet at the same time he comes to all the appointments and worries if I have eaten and taken my prenatals during the day. It doesn't seems like he wants to really spend time with me either, like he'd rather be elsewhere I had mentioned to him that I felt as if we were just roommates, that I see him everyday but that we no longer spend quality time just us like the beginning. That his friends always want to hang out in person or play video games, since he has so many different friends they take up all of his time. His reply was that it seems like I require all of his attention and he needed to drop his friends all together. I felt terrible and told him I didn't want that. Even tonight he told me he couldn't wait to spend time with me. We decided to game. But I didn't realize that meant with one of his friends as well. He told me he has been blowing him off recently and feels bad. I just didn't have any response at this point and feel worse now as my game needed an update that is projected to take 22 hours. He didn't seem bothered by this at all and just got on to game with his friend throwing his headset on and at that point I just felt ignored and insignificant. He's been gaming with him ever since not even talking to me and I've had the time to type all of this out. I don't want to bring it up as an issue and have it be another argument. He takes care of me, we both work and he is a hard worker, he provides and never has an issue handing me something if I need it and it's not baby related. I have been kicking myself thinking I should be more grateful, that he hasn't ran out on me and is here for me. But I can't help feeling the way I do, why won't he tell his friends? Why would he rather make me seem controlling to them rather than just telling them the truth? Am I asking for too much attention? Am I too clingy? Have I not healed enough and now I'm just the toxic one? I don't mind if he hangs out with his friends I have been okay with everytime he has gone out I don't understand that I am doing so wrong. I feel like I'm just here because I'm having his son and that he's only with me because of the baby. Everytime I have expressed this to him his responses are I don't know what to say or literally just silence. Like cricket deafening silence. I get nothing from him. I feel like I'm going crazy trying to figure it out. Things have changed so much I just feel like I ruined it and I ruined our spark. I'm now to a point where I cannot hide my baby bump and fear what his friends will think now, I have given up on conversation and trying to brings things up for fear of being annoying or staring an argument that ends with him saying he'll have to choose between me and his friends. I am just looking for balance is all..and i just wanted him to want to be excited with me or atleast do what he says instead of switching on me last minute...am I being too much? Is it just the prenancy hormones? I also notice little things like social media wise he is still single and advertises single his explanation being he is just not on it much. When its had to have a conversation with him because he is always on his phone or texting someone. I really am so confused any shred of advice will help. https://ift.tt/ZwzanFX https://ift.tt/6mfQdjR
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