Hi! I’ve been confused about my feelings and sexuality for so long and I feel like I’m reaching nowhere near an answer.
Now, I’m a firm believer that defining oneself by restricting one’s characteristics and traits, and confining oneself in those boundaries of a label is folly. I may be of whatever ambiguous nature, my sexuality may be a blend of many factors, however, something I’m certain of is that I don’t feel sexual attraction or sexual urges.
I’ve always felt weird and ‘abnormal’ when I heard my friends speak about how they’re crazy about someone because they find them so sexually attractive, because I’ve never looked at anyone I found beautiful or someone I had deep love for and felt any sort of lust, or had any thoughts about having sex with them. I do get overwhelmed with positive feelings when I see someone I think is beautiful, though I feel no sexual desire nor does my brain stray into fantasising about them. I do find that I have a preference for men though, obviously women are beautiful in my eyes, but I gravitate in art, writing, or even just real life relationships to men. From my knowledge, this would make me fit under the term ‘asexual’, right?
If so, what even is being asexual? Is it a lack of something I was supposed to be born with? Hormonal imbalance? Or is it because sexual attraction is majorly psychological? I can feel sexual pleasure if I make myself experience it, by myself, but I don’t ever get urges to have sex with anyone I find attractive, and the thought of it is sometimes repulsive to me if I’m being honest.
To me, the thought of having a companion I love to death is so delightful, but it’s never accompanied by sexual thoughts. I love people I find attractive, and great personalities in general , almost like I love friends, but with a more vehement and thorough emotion.
Does anyone else relate? Or is my state a product of some trauma or illness? I’m really conflicted 😅
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