Hi all,
Unsure if I’m looking for advice or just to rant or encouragement, but here it goes:
I’m doing my MA and I’m really, really lucky to have a full-ride (tuition remission + stipend comes with TA-ing) and a pretty large and competitive fellowship. However, while I know that I’d be struggling without it, I feel terribly ungrateful and indebted and ultimately unworthy of it. For some context, I live in a terribly car-dependent place with no car. The bus to get me to campus (abt 48 min) is consistently late, and is often even later or never arrives in the afternoon and evening. I’m far from home and while I have friends, I’ve been pretty terribly depressed these past two years, even becoming horribly suicidal at two different points. When I first arrived, I was fresh out of a really difficult break of (3 year relationship), went through another few abusive situations, had a few deaths of people close to me, spent birthdays and holidays alone, etc etc. Anyway, I’m graduating in a month and I’ve done a terrible job of being really involved on campus or really doing anything to prove that I’m deserving of such aid from the uni. I haven’t gone to the fellowship get-togethers, haven’t done a good job with getting involved with my department’s events. This was ultimately triggered because I was supposed to go to a play with our department which our department head (my head thesis advisor) was a guest speaker at. The bus never came so I emailed them to let them know that I wouldn’t be going. The thing is, though, that I could’ve waited for the next bus, but instead I just went home and read. I didn’t even try very hard to go. I didn’t see their email response until much, much later that both co-directors had offered to pay for my uber to campus. They’re so kind and willing and I’m slacking behind.
Before anyone asks, yes I’m taking steps to help myself. I’ve been off and on with therapy and I’m restarting therapy next week and getting birth control removed to fix any hormonal imbalance. I guess I’m worried that my advisor might dislike me and won’t give me a good recommendation for any potential PhD applications in the future. I’m also just terribly worried about disappointing her because she’s so magnificent and brilliant and impressive and I don’t want to be ungrateful to her efforts. I realize that I’m insecure about my abilities and my worthiness, and that ultimately insecure about being insecure. Anywho. Is this making any sense?
Peace ya’ll.
Hi all,Unsure if I’m looking for advice or just to rant or encouragement, but here it goes:I’m doing my MA and I’m really, really lucky to have a full-ride (tuition remission + stipend comes with TA-ing) and a pretty large and competitive fellowship. However, while I know that I’d be struggling without it, I feel terribly ungrateful and indebted and ultimately unworthy of it. For some context, I live in a terribly car-dependent place with no car. The bus to get me to campus (abt 48 min) is consistently late, and is often even later or never arrives in the afternoon and evening. I’m far from home and while I have friends, I’ve been pretty terribly depressed these past two years, even becoming horribly suicidal at two different points. When I first arrived, I was fresh out of a really difficult break of (3 year relationship), went through another few abusive situations, had a few deaths of people close to me, spent birthdays and holidays alone, etc etc. Anyway, I’m graduating in a month and I’ve done a terrible job of being really involved on campus or really doing anything to prove that I’m deserving of such aid from the uni. I haven’t gone to the fellowship get-togethers, haven’t done a good job with getting involved with my department’s events. This was ultimately triggered because I was supposed to go to a play with our department which our department head (my head thesis advisor) was a guest speaker at. The bus never came so I emailed them to let them know that I wouldn’t be going. The thing is, though, that I could’ve waited for the next bus, but instead I just went home and read. I didn’t even try very hard to go. I didn’t see their email response until much, much later that both co-directors had offered to pay for my uber to campus. They’re so kind and willing and I’m slacking behind.Before anyone asks, yes I’m taking steps to help myself. I’ve been off and on with therapy and I’m restarting therapy next week and getting birth control removed to fix any hormonal imbalance. I guess I’m worried that my advisor might dislike me and won’t give me a good recommendation for any potential PhD applications in the future. I’m also just terribly worried about disappointing her because she’s so magnificent and brilliant and impressive and I don’t want to be ungrateful to her efforts. I realize that I’m insecure about my abilities and my worthiness, and that ultimately insecure about being insecure. Anywho. Is this making any sense?Peace ya’ll. https://ift.tt/W9s2cvq https://ift.tt/WJi2Y1V
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