I am currently in my early-mid 20s, and i've been sort of playing around with the question of a potential trans identity for a little bit now, it's just that i kind of have trouble navigating things.
Ever since my early teens i've had these fantasies/wishes about being a girl. I wanted boobs, I wanted a vagina, I wanted feminine curves and to be able to look good in dresses. For a bit this urge to be feminine manifested in me wanting to become a femboy, but I sort of cast that idea into the corner because i found it to be unrealistic. I coudn't be a femboy/effeminate because that was not socially acceptable, and I couldn't be a girl because that was impossible and i wasn't born as one (even though i frequently lamented this fact). As far as I was concerned this urge to be feminine was to be shunned, and I walled it off in a corner of my mind. I got pretty good at it, and in combination with life events I got to the point where it became background noise.
I spent a decent chunk of my life wishing that I could have been a girl, finding it unfair in a way that I didn't have a female body because it seemed clearly better than what I had. I remember feeling over the years that if I got gyno the boobs would at least be a nice upside, idly daydreaming about getting some sort of hormonal imbalance that would cause it. Part of the problem is I also had a desire for congruency/matching features. I wished I could have had boobs/a vagina/etc but I didn't have the female body to match...it felt unfair. I also felt I wasn't feminine, so I couldn't be a girl anyway. I didn't want to be effeminate/feminine as a man because as a guy I also had some sort of duty to look like a guy and act like one.
The thing is daydream about being a girl a lot. I imagine myself as a cute girl with feminine features and the whole idea makes me feel happy and warm inside. It just feels so warm and comforting somehow and if I could press a button to instantly become a cis girl I'd do so ASAP. Over the last few months I've slowly allowed myself to be more feminine in my presentation (and to my amazement nothing bad happened...guess teen me was wrong) and I really like the changes i've made honestly.
But despite all this I have trouble even considering pulling the trigger on transition. I feel like being a guy is a dead end somehow, but the idea of actually transitioning really scares me. I've never really been good with change, and despite how much I want the end result I get scared of the whole prospect of transition, growing boobs, etc. I really want boobs too (and it would be weird to be a girl without them) and i've wished for some most of my life but now that it's in the cards i feel held back. I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to do this somehow, that it's a mistake, that I'm not special enough for this to be a good idea. I don't know if this is fear/doubt or a genuine sign that i'm not actually trans and that all my thoughts/feelings are normal curiosity/a sex thing tbh.
I am currently in my early-mid 20s, and i've been sort of playing around with the question of a potential trans identity for a little bit now, it's just that i kind of have trouble navigating things.Ever since my early teens i've had these fantasies/wishes about being a girl. I wanted boobs, I wanted a vagina, I wanted feminine curves and to be able to look good in dresses. For a bit this urge to be feminine manifested in me wanting to become a femboy, but I sort of cast that idea into the corner because i found it to be unrealistic. I coudn't be a femboy/effeminate because that was not socially acceptable, and I couldn't be a girl because that was impossible and i wasn't born as one (even though i frequently lamented this fact). As far as I was concerned this urge to be feminine was to be shunned, and I walled it off in a corner of my mind. I got pretty good at it, and in combination with life events I got to the point where it became background noise.I spent a decent chunk of my life wishing that I could have been a girl, finding it unfair in a way that I didn't have a female body because it seemed clearly better than what I had. I remember feeling over the years that if I got gyno the boobs would at least be a nice upside, idly daydreaming about getting some sort of hormonal imbalance that would cause it. Part of the problem is I also had a desire for congruency/matching features. I wished I could have had boobs/a vagina/etc but I didn't have the female body to match...it felt unfair. I also felt I wasn't feminine, so I couldn't be a girl anyway. I didn't want to be effeminate/feminine as a man because as a guy I also had some sort of duty to look like a guy and act like one.The thing is daydream about being a girl a lot. I imagine myself as a cute girl with feminine features and the whole idea makes me feel happy and warm inside. It just feels so warm and comforting somehow and if I could press a button to instantly become a cis girl I'd do so ASAP. Over the last few months I've slowly allowed myself to be more feminine in my presentation (and to my amazement nothing bad happened...guess teen me was wrong) and I really like the changes i've made honestly.But despite all this I have trouble even considering pulling the trigger on transition. I feel like being a guy is a dead end somehow, but the idea of actually transitioning really scares me. I've never really been good with change, and despite how much I want the end result I get scared of the whole prospect of transition, growing boobs, etc. I really want boobs too (and it would be weird to be a girl without them) and i've wished for some most of my life but now that it's in the cards i feel held back. I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to do this somehow, that it's a mistake, that I'm not special enough for this to be a good idea. I don't know if this is fear/doubt or a genuine sign that i'm not actually trans and that all my thoughts/feelings are normal curiosity/a sex thing tbh. https://ift.tt/sofav3u https://ift.tt/HMKiO6p
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