As Salam Aleykoum everyone,
Be prepared it's going to be very very long and thank you in advance for those who will read everything and respond to my concerns. I'll try to organize it as best I can in bullet points so you can refer back to it when you respond.
I'm coming to you today because I'm completely lost and depressed. My faith is greatly weakened. I know that Islam is the truth and I don't want to leave this religion and go to hell, but I can't help thinking that Allah prefers men. This thought haunts me and I cry almost every day.
I can't feel valued as a woman in Islam, I just feel like a sub-being. Let me explain why:
- For me, Allah has made life more difficult for women:
First of all, without even talking about religion, Allah created us weaker, and with more physical complications. Menstruation, childbirth, the hormonal imbalance that most women experience, less physical strength, etc. You ask most men if they'd like to be women, they say no because they know it's harder, but most women would happily become men because, let's be objective, it's better and easier.
I've always resented this because this difference in strength means that we've always been the victims in history. Women have always been abused precisely because they can't defend themselves. Sex objects, sex slaves, rape, crime, all because we can't defend ourselves.
I know you're going to tell me that this has nothing to do with religion, it's the fault of men themselves, except that Allah is omniscient, He knows everything in advance, and He also wrote the destiny of all mankind in advance, so He knew that all this would happen and that women would always be abused. Why did He choose this destiny for women? I can't help feeling resentment (Astaghfirullah).
2) Polygamy
I know that many of you will tell me that polygamy was introduced at one time to help women who lost their husbands in war, except that Islam applies to any period. And today men can marry, if they're right and just, for any other reason, without even telling their first wife. It tears my heart out and I cry just thinking about it. How is it that women's feelings are not taken into account? Is breaking a woman's heart justifiable if you apply a sunnah correctly?
I know you're going to tell me that I can prevent this from happening if I put it in the marriage contract, but if a woman isn't aware of this rule she can find herself trapped and the motives for her divorce won't be valid.
And I also know that some people will tell me that Islam restricted this number when men used to take much more than four wives and were unjust, but then again, before Islam came along why did Allah decide that women had to suffer like this? I can't get this question out of my head.
And above all I hate muslim men who ask "but why are women against polygamy?" but it's for exactly the same reason as if the situation were reversed: we're jealous, what's the harm in wanting a husband who has no desire for another? They themselves wouldn't accept it, but as always their excuse is "we're not the same, a man's not meant to share his wife", but seriously? The majority of women also don't want to share their man, only a small minority accept it without any worries and I respect that, otherwise most polygamous marriages are marriages where the women accept it out of spite.
And today, I've seen many testimonies of men in the West who agree to share their wives with other men (weird I know), again it's a minority, as for the women, the majority of them and we want a monogamous marriage, why do they pretend not to understand?
3) Beating your wife
I know that a husband doesn't have the right to beat his wife hard, and that if it comes to that, as a last resort, he can "correct" her without hurting her or leaving any marks. But for me, it's deeper than that, it's the symbolism behind it. The fact that as a last resort he has the right to "correct" me as if I were a child makes me feel devalued.
Some people justify it by saying that it's for disobedient women who aren't good to their husbands. But what about women whose husbands aren't good to her then? Why is it always one way, and in favor of the man?
4) The hijab
One of my biggest difficulties to understand too. A woman's awrah is from head to toe, but for a man it's only from navel to knee. Girls, let's be honest with each other, what we're most attracted to in a man isn't that area specifically but it's also a whole. A man's hair, his arms, his shoulders, his torso, in short, just like they like everything about us. I don't understand this freedom they have. The wife has to make herself beautiful only for her husband, but the husband has to make himself beautiful outside and show off?
I can't understand this logic. Some say we have to fight our urge to please, our greatest desire, but why is it always the woman who has to restrict her nature? What I mean is, if our true nature is to want to please and be pretty, why do we have to deny it, while men don't have to deny their true nature, i.e. to love women and have several if they're fair and can afford it?
5) Paradise and hours
So here we come to the subject that breaks me the most and depresses me the most. I've always thought that if this life was going to be harder for us, then maybe in Jannah we'd have a better situation than the men, but not at all.
The men will have hours as well as 2 wives and we'll have what? Just a husband. I'm sorry, but I'm also a woman with a desire for several men and I’m struggling to lower my gaze and resist the temptation, but I'm going to have to accept having only one husband just because I am a woman.
People say to justify this (well, especially men who don't know how a woman works) that men have a desire for several women but that women don't. That's not true.
It's not true, look at today's West with complete sexual liberation (which I'm totally against), women have body counts as high as men, because when you don't put restrictions on them, women also have a lot of desire for men.
Or another justification is that men back then needed a motivation to get Jannah, what about us? Don't we women, with all our difficulties, need motivations? It's strange that the "stronger sex", i.e. men who are supposed to be leaders, our protectors, need incentives more than we do, and that they have fewer physical complications (cf. 1) with menstruation etc.).
Do you have any answers for that? Especially if you don't know, that's okay, but don't try to justify it with weird arguments that lose us even more, I've already seen sisters say: « we'll have jewels and beauty so that should be enough for us » (what ??? What if I am not into this ? ) or, since our men will have houris let's try to be like them? (???)
But isn't anyone bothered by this idea? I don't know, it's gnawing at me, I keep telling myself that men will always win, whether on earth or in the afterlife, they'll always have the advantage over women, we'll never have a moment of glory for ourselves. Even in Jannah, if we're all equal, we women will always have lost, at least on earth.
6) The Prophet's ﷺ warnings about women.
Here again, a sensitive subject. Astaghfirullah in advance for what I'm about to say, but I find it hard to love the Prophet ﷺ as I should as a Muslim. Simply because the Prophet ﷺ has always warned women to behave well with their husbands or hell awaits us but never a warning for men. All we tell them is to behave towards us.
Women will be more numerous in hell apparently because they are more ungrateful, but seriously today, is there anything more ungrateful than men? Many beat their wives, don't respect their rights (we still have to fight as Muslims to simply have them), cheat on them, abandon them with their child, aren't fair if they marry another woman, don’t help with house chores etc., but it's women who are more ungrateful?
Throughout history, and even in your own circle, we've always seen more women abused by men than the other way round, haven't we?
That's why I'm having trouble, why warn women so much, when we're the first victims of men? Why don't they have harsh warnings too?
7) Not valued as a woman.
Men can be valued simply as husbands, fathers or just being a Man. But in Islam, I feel that as a woman we are only valued if we are, the mother of, the wife of, the daughter of. But what about women who don't want children? Or unmarried women who don't want children?
Every time we talk about the vision of women, people say "the mother is too important in Islam", but what if I don't want to be a mother?
8) Marriage rights
Well, not surprisingly, men have more rights and benefits.
Most women are content with just one of their rights, which is that the man must provide for them and the dowry. But is that enough for you? Is this one advantage we have as women enough for you? All the disadvantages behind it don't matter to you? Especially since most Muslim men aren't rich, so we still have to live modest lives, and even with today's economy, many of us have to work to support ourselves, especially if we decide to have children. There's always something that gets in the way, I feel, you know what I mean?
We have to obey our husbands, I feel like I'm under the authority of a parent.
One of the women's rights that tickles me: the man must be good to his wife. But it doesn't have to be a right, it's common sense to me.
9) I can't help thinking that Allah prefers men
This is the thought that follows me every day, that depresses me and plays on my faith. Because although pious men and women will have access to Jannah, that doesn't tell us anything about His preference, if there is one. Just because we'll be judged and treated the same on Judgment Day doesn't mean Allah loves us the same.
I mean, He has given everything to men and made life and religion easier for them.
In life: physical strength, fewer hormonal problems, no periods, no childbirth.
In religion: all the great figures of Islam were mostly men, the Messengers were men, they have more freedoms than we do: dress, travel, obedience of their wives, polygamy, marrying Christian or Jewish women (again one of our restrictions, because if we had this freedom, I think many Muslim girls would be married to Christians or Jews because Muslim men, not all of them, but many of them today don't respect our rights and are toxic but we're stuck with them).
I don't know if you understand what I mean, they've always been socially superior to us, they've never had to fight for their rights, they've always been in charge, Allah decided that they'd be in charge and we'd be behind. They don't have to deny their deepest nature (the desire for women) but we do (the desire for men and being pretty).
I mean, that men have always been put first and us behind, if you know how much I would have loved to be a man and have all those advantages. It breaks me.
What I'm afraid of today is that if Allah's logic is that men are better and he prefers them, well that's the right logic because He's the Creator, but I'm just afraid I'll never be able to adhere to it and I'll never be considered a Muslim for Allah. I'm also afraid that all these doubts will take me out of the religion (Astaghfirullah) but until I have answers to all this, I won't be able to get all these thoughts out of my head. I need explanations to be even more convinced and even more involved in my religion.
So there, I'll stop here because it's already too long and maybe I'm still too ignorant so feel free to pick up on my points to give your answers. I know that this sub is benevolent so I'm counting on you my sisters.
Thank you for reading Jazak-Allah khairan
Comments
Post a Comment