Dear community!
I battle with chronic depression since more than a decade now and I am desperately searching for a way to get out of it. It started in my late 20ies short before graduating from university. The first signs of depression were severe procrastination. I would procrastinate on my final thesis, almost leading me to fail university. Then memory issues came, forgetting appointments, losing stuff, fogetting names and places, then I got more and more anxious in social situations. I started with SSRIs and SNRI in 2014 and they helped with my memory and motivation but I quit them in 2021 after breaking up with my ex. That was, when I noticed that the medications made me indifferent and emotionally cold and turned me into a person I didn't like. I became very cynincal and I was constantly cheating on my girlfriend. Now I don't do no medications and all symptoms are back stronger than ever before plus constant brain fog, and a feeling of not being fully present which I didn't experience before medications.
I don't know what started the whole downward spiral. Back in 2011 when it all started I drank alcohol regularily at that time but not excessively. I didn't smoke weed at that time, but I smoked it regularily from my late teens to my mid 20ies. I didn't do any other drugs. There were no traumatic things happening prior to onset.
I really tried a lot to make things better (see the exhaustive list below), but nothing seemed to help, I am posting here to ask for your thoughts on possible root causes and possible remedies! Please note that I made a similar posting on r/NooTopics focusing on the supplement part. I've opened this new discussions for strategies that go beyond that. Suggestions on Nootropics are still very welcome!
So these are my symptoms at the moment:
- Low mood
- anhedonia
- Lack of positive emotions
- Lack of motivation and lots of procrastination
- Constant feeling of overwhelm and weakness
- Social aversion and social anxiety
- Hard time getting up in the morning
- Day time sleepiness
- Brain fog, bad concentration
- Word finding problems
- Memory issues, especially short term memory - these got significantly worse since I don't take SSRIs and SNRIs any more
- The feeling of not being fully present, not taking part in my life.
Apart from that I have some chronic physical symptoms that might be related somehow:
- Hashimoto (Antibodies and inflammation are detectable but my thyroid hormons are normal)
- Pancreatic insufficiency which expresses itself in fatty stools
- Insensitive fingertips and low finger dexterity
- Hands falling asleep frequently
- Light tinnitus
- Chronic nasal congestion, poor sense of smell
- dandruff and oily scalp
These symptoms give me a hard time at work. At the moment I try to cover up my bad work performance with unpaid extra hours, but this is a vicious circle, leading to more stress, even less concentration and even more extra hours I have to spend to keep up with my schedule… It is also hard on my relationships. I Have no interest in meeting friends. I have to force myself to do it from time to time. It is also hard on my romantic relationships, since I simply can't have strong positive emotions and can't even say whether I love my girlfriend or not. I tend to believe that I do, and so I behave accordingly, but I feel like an imposter doing so….
What I have tried so far:
Subscription meds:
I have been mostly on SSRI and SNRIs so far, most of them had rather strong side effects, which made me refrain from them . At the moment I don't take any subscription medication.
- Sertralin: restlessness and jittering
- Quetiapin: made me extremely tired for 12h and more
- Venlafaxin+Abilify: restlessmess, bad concentration, low libido, UV sensitivity
- Venlafaxin + Wellbutrin: no records left
- Venlafaxin alone: improved mood, cognition and motivation, restlessness, excessive sweating
- Duloxetin: improved mood, cognition and motivation, indifference, low emotions
- Milnacipran: like Duloxetin
- Brintellix: No effect at all
Psychotherapies:
I've tried a bunch of different psychotherapies, which weren't very helpful so far. Most of them fell into the realm of CBT:
- Integrative therapy: mostly uninspired talking. Really useless.
- EMDR: Talking with tapping on my thighs. No clear structure ot goal. Very useless.
- schema-focused behavioural therapy: Talking with some supportive handouts and exercises. Very
- Behavioural Therapy: Very uninspired and pointles talking "How do you feel today"?, peppered with some truisms "Just act!". Very useless.
- A 7 week online program against depression, lead by psychologists. We had weekly tasks, self reflections and group discussions. It was quite nice but didn't change a thing.
- A 6 week stay in a mental hospital, accompanied by a strict daily structure of sports, occupational therapy and psychotherapy (CBASP=. It was a nice stay but I felt exactly the same when I got out.
- CBASP: This is what I still do at the moment. Very structured method, which is mostly about analyzing social situations, identifying limiting beliefs and rewriting the situation without limiting beliefs. Not very helpful, since there aren't many social situations to analyse and since I am an overly agreeable person, who doesn't ever get
Alternative Approaches
These are the things I tried outside the realm of standard medicine
- Running: I've tried running two times. In 2021, when I was on a sabbatical, I used to run every single day 4 months straight. It gave me a slight uplift up to about two hours after, but my overall mood and cognition didn't change. This year, when I had a stay at the mental hospital I also used to run every day with no noticeable effect. I don't do it at the moment because I feel just too exhausted
- Mindfulness Meditation: I've done several courses on mindfulness meditation and used an online app for meditation over two years. It helps at the moment and also some time directly after the meditation but didn't change my overall wellbeing.
- Kambo: A frog secretion that is used in traditional amazonian medicine. It is supposed to boost immunity, focus and mood. I did it 3 times. It gave me a mood boost but only for 2 days after. This didn't seem to be worth the tiresome procedure you have to go through to achieve it (it makes you feel very sick and thowing up is an integral part of the ceremony)
- Holotropic Breathwork: Hyperventilating while listening to music in a group setting. This is a technique that should get you in touch with your subconcious, and really many people in the group hallucinated and felt very strong emotions from it. For me it didn't do a thing. 3 hours of hyperventilating just made me feel exhausted.
Things that I do at the moment:
- Psychotherapy 1x per week
- Microsoding Psilocybin: I've tried it a few weeks but it rather made me feel more irritable at work that enhance my performance. I still use it from time to time before therapy, because I have the feeling that it gives me more access to my emotions. I find it easier to feel sad or cry a few hours after taking it.
- Yoga: I attend a weekly Yoga session consisting of 45 minutes body movements and 45 minutes meditation since 2 years. It gives me a clear head for about two hours afterwards, but didn't change my overall wellbeing.
- Organic food/cosmetics: I switched all my foods and cosmetics to organic to reduce the toxicity load on my body
- Quitting alcohol: I quit drinking alcohol about a month ago and I will avoid alcohol until christmas. I already had a period of 10 weeks without alcohol this spring.
- Ketogenic diet: I started the ketogenic diet one month ago and according to the urine tests strips I have been in ketosis every day since. I don't feel much effect from it t, except for my sense of smell which seems to have improved a little bit. I am planing to stay on it until christmas
- Whole body Hyperthermia: I am doing a 45 minutes to 1 hour long Sauna session in a sauna tent once a week to get my Body temperature at 38,5 °C. This is a protocol inspired by Dr Charles Raison and the Foundmyfitness podcast. I did it 4 times so far and it didn't do much except for making me sweat a lot. See: https://www.foundmyfitness.com/topics/whole-body-hyperthermia
- Suplements:
I have tried a ton of different supplements and still do a lot of them. This is what I am taking at the moment:
• Betaine and pepsine - to improve protein digestion
• Pancreatine - to improve fat digestion
• Electrolytes: to support hydration in the ketogenic diet
• MCT oil: 1 tea spoon to enhance ketone levels
• Taurine 1g - for improved fat burning to support the ketogenic diet
• Glutamine 5g: for gut health
• Acacia powder (Gummi arabicum): 1 table spoon for gut health
• Vitamin D3 +K2: for mood and immune system
• Cod liver oil - 1 table spoon - (\~1500 mg DHA, 1000mg EPA) for mood and against inflammation
• Acetyl-L-Carnitin: 2x 500mg - for mood and cognition
• Creatine Monohydrate 1x5g: for cognition
• Huperzine A: 1x 250mcg: for cognition
• Hericium 2x 650mg - for cognition
• Cordyceps: 2x 500mg - for energy
• L-Tyrosin 500 mg- for improved dopamine levels
• N-Acetyl-L-Cystein (NAC): 1x 800mg - for detoxofocation
• Vitamin B Complex - for cognition and detoxification
• Ashwaganda: 1x200mg for sleep
• Magnesium: L-Threonat: 1x 1000mg for sleep
• Tumeric powder - against inflammation
• Maca Powder - for energy
These are things that I am planning to do in the near future:
- I made an appointment at an integral medicine practitioner, and will check for possible nutrient deficits and hormone imbalances. I also want to check for possible traces of heavy metals or mold.
- I made an appointment with and ENT doctor to check my congested nose and plan to do a surgery to free my airways
- I am planning to do a high dose Psilocybin ceremony in the netherlands.
- If this doesn't work I will try high dose ketamine.
- I am doing the journalling protocol which has been recently promoted on Huberman Lab: https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/a-science-supported-journaling-protocol-to-improve-mental-physical-health
Any thoughts on that? Any alternative suggestions?
Thanks for reading (if you got that far;-)!
Comments
Post a Comment